Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why are you saying you're a white family???

Probably because it's common in the Caribbean, South America, the Middle East, and many other places to reside in the family home until marriage, in my family, it would be very odd and unacceptable if a child moved out before marriage for anything beyond a great job opportunity that only existed far away from family. Uni, sure, coming back and forth. But we stay put until marriage. And we have a good bit more wealth than other people in the area, so it's not a money thing.

+1

I appreciate the OP mentioning her family is "White". I'm from South America, so yes, I stayed home until I was 26, no question from my parents. I have two teens born and raised here and it would be perfectly normal for my kids to stay home pass college years.

I moved out of my parents house when I got married. I had a nice job and was able to save up (also helped out with mortgage payments). It just felt silly to pay for my own place, when my job was close to my parents house.

Anonymous wrote:I expect it to be like a boomerang.

Out for college

Back to save money for 1st/last/security deposit … an apt in NYC could expect $8K just to live in …. If you have roommates

Out of house to work…

Back to save for down payment

Out of home permanently

+1 Just because they move out does not mean they may not move back in for various reasons in their early 20s.

Our 29 year old son moved back home in March 2020 to finish his graduate degree rather than live with a houseful of unrelated roommates with differing covid philosophies. We provide room & board and he pays his other expenses. It has worked out well because he is considerate and good company. He also has pitched in to help when we had some unexpected health emergencies. He’s planning to stay until he completes his degree and starts his first postgraduate position. DH and I would not want him to stay longer for his sake. By then he will have saved enough to give him a good cushion for a few years.

My parents told us that they expected us to move out 6 months after we completed formal schooling, so high school if we didn't go to college or college if we did not go to grad school. I was out of the house when I went to college, although I did return home for the summer.

I don't know what I expect for my son. He is 10 so it feels early to be thinking about those things. I guess my expectation is that he will go to college and live in the dorms or an apartment but be home for the summer. I would hope that he is able to find a job and move into his own place when he has finished his education. I don't think it hurts for a young adult to learn to live within their pay check and maybe not have a great apartment or have to live with a roommate. I know some kids live with their parents when they finish school, some because it is free and some to save up and be able to buy a place of their own. I have nieces and nephews who are living at home while paying down college loans.

I guess my expectations will depend a lot on what the economy looks like when DS is at that age and what his debt load looks like. But I would expect that he moves out once he has a job after he finishes school.

It's all about finances now. From the day when I went off to college I never lived at home again. During the college years I visited in vacations but as soon as college was over I got an apt with friends and then in my mid-late 20s I bought my own apt. It was affordable.

Then we had the boomerang generation, who couldn't afford their own homes and a lot of people in their 20s living back with parents.

We still have that situation. Its all well and good to talk about "independence" but if you're funding that, it's not really independent it is just a smokescreen.

I expect it to be like a boomerang.

Out for college

Back to save money for 1st/last/security deposit … an apt in NYC could expect $8K just to live in …. If you have roommates

Out of house to work…

Back to save for down payment

Out of home permanently

I have two DDs, and the younger one has been "adulting"--she's independent and when she goes to college, she'll not move back. I can tell. Even if she did, she's industrious and helpful and it would be no big deal.

My older one who is in college now...she makes me nervous. When she lived with us, it was a constant battle to get her to do anything around the house. She did have a job in the summer, but it was like afternoons one or two days a week. In college, she does clean her room, and do her laundry, etc.

However; whenever she comes home, she regresses and is super messy all over the house, and unmotivated. I know it's because she's on vacation, but it's also her personality and my fear is I'll somehow end up with her at home forever.

I have heard that developmentally, in general, lots of adult kids regress when back in their childhood home. They could be 40 years old, but suddenly, back at home, they are acting like they are 15. It has to do with old patterns and habits--both with people and the objects (the house) that they used to interact with in a certain way.

This particular DD seems like a candidate for that. For the quality of both our lives, I do not want that to happen. Our house is big and we won't need it much longer. DH and I plan to find something smaller, and in a different area, like lots of empty nesters do...but part of the reason is I want to push the permanency of "adulting" a bit with my older DD.

Who, btw, I'm crazy about and love having her around, and love visiting her in college. I'll be happy to have her come visit us in our new digs...new place, new rules...a fresh start.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:just talked about this with my 10 yo. we expect her to move out when she gets married. i don't see the point of moving out if you are not starting a family.

You don't see a point in learning independence and how to manage on your own ( with roommates perhaps? That's sad!

Np. yea, I do think there is value in living on your own before you get married. My mom got married pretty young (22...although I guess that wasn't THAT young in the 70s) and went from living with her parents straight to living with her husband-my dad. Well when they got divorced, she said one of the absolute hardest things about it was living on her own for the first time in her life.

your mom was going through a divorce/single and taking care of kid(s). this would have been difficult regardless of how much time she spent living on her own prior to marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:just talked about this with my 10 yo. we expect her to move out when she gets married. i don't see the point of moving out if you are not starting a family.

You don't see a point in learning independence and how to manage on your own ( with roommates perhaps? That's sad!

Np. yea, I do think there is value in living on your own before you get married. My mom got married pretty young (22...although I guess that wasn't THAT young in the 70s) and went from living with her parents straight to living with her husband-my dad. Well when they got divorced, she said one of the absolute hardest things about it was living on her own for the first time in her life.

So? If she had done it before marriage, it would have been hard then, too. Some people NEVER live alone. Most have roommates in between leaving home and getting married.

exactly. why do it if you don't have to?

my sister, who is in her 60s, never lived alone. she is an MD Phd and extremely successful in every way, now has grandkids. she lived at our home and we actually shared a room while she was doing a residency and dating. she married at 30 and only then moved out to live with her husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:just talked about this with my 10 yo. we expect her to move out when she gets married. i don't see the point of moving out if you are not starting a family.

You don't see a point in learning independence and how to manage on your own ( with roommates perhaps? That's sad!

Np. yea, I do think there is value in living on your own before you get married. My mom got married pretty young (22...although I guess that wasn't THAT young in the 70s) and went from living with her parents straight to living with her husband-my dad. Well when they got divorced, she said one of the absolute hardest things about it was living on her own for the first time in her life.

So? If she had done it before marriage, it would have been hard then, too. Some people NEVER live alone. Most have roommates in between leaving home and getting married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:just talked about this with my 10 yo. we expect her to move out when she gets married. i don't see the point of moving out if you are not starting a family.

You don't see a point in learning independence and how to manage on your own ( with roommates perhaps? That's sad!

Np. yea, I do think there is value in living on your own before you get married. My mom got married pretty young (22...although I guess that wasn't THAT young in the 70s) and went from living with her parents straight to living with her husband-my dad. Well when they got divorced, she said one of the absolute hardest things about it was living on her own for the first time in her life.

No expectation, really. DD just finished up her first year of medical school here in the DC area and lived at home- and plans to live at home for the foreseeable future. Med school is so freakin' expensive and she is incurring substantial debt to do it, so the money she can save in rent is money she won't have to pay back later (with interest!). We love having her here -- she helps out where she can, she cleans up after herself, and is quiet. So it's all good. I would feel differently if she was hard to live with, disrespectful of our space, etc.

Anonymous wrote:just talked about this with my 10 yo. we expect her to move out when she gets married. i don't see the point of moving out if you are not starting a family.

Being independent is so over-rated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:just talked about this with my 10 yo. we expect her to move out when she gets married. i don't see the point of moving out if you are not starting a family.

You don't see a point in learning independence and how to manage on your own ( with roommates perhaps? That's sad!

yeah, nothing in my pretty extensive experience suggests any of that is necessary.