Anonymous wrote:I arranged for a sitter and planned a surprise date for me and dh for sat night. When I told him, his reaction was less than enthusiastic. “Oh. Where? Why that day? Is there something special going on?”

What a buzzkill. Not one positive word smile or vibe of excitement. Can’t remember the last time he initiated anything. I was tired of it so I took Matters into my own hands and planned coordinated the damn thing myself. And then to get that reaction? I honestly want to say forget it, and take myself on a solo date instead.

So sorry. My wife is the same as your DH

It's soul sucking. We deserve better

Did he get the BJ after that date, or not?

Anonymous wrote:ExH and l had things in common that we liked to do together before kids and when the kids were baby / toddler age and we’d get a sitter. But as the kids got older he didn’t really want to do anything one on one with me outside the home. I had to plan everything, and eventually he resented if l even set up 2 things a year. We’re divorced. I didn’t love him any more, and one reason is this - he didn’t want to do anything with me, even stuff that he really enjoyed in that past.

No idea if you guys are going the same route but feeling unappreciated and unloved is no good. If that’s how you’re feeling explain it to him in a neural moment.

Yikes, this sounds a LOT like H and I. He recently informed me he isn't interested in being married anymore. Maybe it's depression? He refuses to see a doctor, so we'll never know. But it still hurts like hell to be the one who is making the effort, facing a partner who isn't interested anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was worried he had forgotten an anniversary or your birthday. He may be more excited when it happens.

This. And also your reaction to him not throwing a parade for you is a bit much
Go and have a nice time. I'm assuming here that once he's there he'll be into it.


Ignore the bad advice to throw a tantrum and cancel and go out with friends.

Take the advice to clue himmin next time such as" if like for us to go out just the 2 of us more often. Does The 3 rd Saturday of every month work?". If it does then keep planning.

Agree with all of this. It sounds like he was thrown by the surprise element and was worried he forgot something vs doesn’t ever want to do anything with you ever again.

I hate surprises. DH knows this. I like to think I would feign excitement if DH sprung something like this on me, but chances are my reaction would let him down. I am not a control freak but I would much rather have a say in plans. Maybe Friday would be better because he has to get up early for something Sunday, or he has been really wanting to try the new Italian place and you made reservations somewhere else.

If you want him to surprise you with a night out, or just take the initiative to plan something on his own, you need to be very explicit. DH - I would like for you to plan a night out for us sometime in the next 3 weeks. Here are some days I think would work for me, and here are the numbers of the usual sitters. Please surprise me with a restaurant and/or an activity.

Anonymous wrote:Some people don't like surprises. They have something in mind for a time period and find it difficult to suddenly change gears, even if your motives were good. Planning and agreeing together on an activity might be a better approach for such personalities.

This is me. I would not like the day and time to be a surprise. If you had something on the calendar called Surprise outing on Friday 6-8, that would be intriguing and something to look forward to. If that night at 5;30 you said surprise we are going out in 1/2 hour to a mystery place it’s all planned, I might find it difficult to shift gears. I also hate surprise parties and clowns but my DH knows this about me.

Anonymous wrote:ExH and l had things in common that we liked to do together before kids and when the kids were baby / toddler age and we’d get a sitter. But as the kids got older he didn’t really want to do anything one on one with me outside the home. I had to plan everything, and eventually he resented if l even set up 2 things a year. We’re divorced. I didn’t love him any more, and one reason is this - he didn’t want to do anything with me, even stuff that he really enjoyed in that past.

No idea if you guys are going the same route but feeling unappreciated and unloved is no good. If that’s how you’re feeling explain it to him in a neural moment.

This happened to me too. My spouse became very boring and never wanted to do anything.

ExH and l had things in common that we liked to do together before kids and when the kids were baby / toddler age and we’d get a sitter. But as the kids got older he didn’t really want to do anything one on one with me outside the home. I had to plan everything, and eventually he resented if l even set up 2 things a year. We’re divorced. I didn’t love him any more, and one reason is this - he didn’t want to do anything with me, even stuff that he really enjoyed in that past.

No idea if you guys are going the same route but feeling unappreciated and unloved is no good. If that’s how you’re feeling explain it to him in a neural moment.

Anonymous wrote:He was worried he had forgotten an anniversary or your birthday. He may be more excited when it happens.

This. And also your reaction to him not throwing a parade for you is a bit much
Go and have a nice time. I'm assuming here that once he's there he'll be into it.


Ignore the bad advice to throw a tantrum and cancel and go out with friends.

Take the advice to clue himmin next time such as" if like for us to go out just the 2 of us more often. Does The 3 rd Saturday of every month work?". If it does then keep planning.

I would probably react poorly to having a fully-planned surprise sprung on me. It's awfully presumptuous. Why not check in first? "Hey, spouse, I'd like to get a sitter one night so that we can go out. Saturday OK for you?" I'm plenty spontaneous and love going out, I just also like having some say in my own plans & schedule.