OP here. Thanks for perspective. no reason to hash it out again with him, so I went quiet. Eventually a few days later brother texted that things were busy and nephew liked the gifts. (Nephew is in kinder). He sent me a pic of nephew really enjoying the gift so I was happy to see that.

To answer questions Yes I am married w/two small children, dh and I both work. I understand being busy. The party they were having was in laws only, not like a big party with other kids. I understand hectic birthday party days, so the day before the birthday, we texted to pick a general time to say hi for a quick minute and both agreed. but then on the day he didn’t communicate with anyone or for days after. SIL is cordial with our family but I wouldn’t say warm.

I am going to drop expectations. I had thought it was pretty low already for a monthly text or call. I think it’s one of those “it is what it is” sorts of situations. Thanks all

I struggle with this too! What’s hard for me is I just ADORE my little brother and want my kids to know him and I love spending time with him and SIL. There’s times when I’ve flown to his city, on dates he told me he was available, with my young kids, and in a 4 day weekend he will make time for a 2 hour dinner and a 1 hour park visit.

It kept breaking my heart and I asked my brother multiple times if it had something to do with the way I was relating to him or something in the past. I don’t really know what the problem is but I’ve tried so hard on my end to make sure I’m treating him kindly and hearing him, I don’t think there’s anything I can do to make us have more of a relationship.

In my experience, holding brother accountable always backfires and results in more distance. I just keep reaching out periodically with no expectations, and on the rare occasion he reaches out to me, I respond with warmth and happiness.

I’ve also worked on focusing on other, more reciprocal relationships, even though none of them compare to my brother, honestly.

Love you, little bro.

I hold out hope that things might shift someday.

Drop the rope without having a conversation about it. That’s what I did because I was just done. Brother panicked and now makes a huge effort. It wasn’t passive aggressive or on purpose but he is a totally different person now. I was literally done and think it was a wake up for him.

What does it look like when he "gets pouty"? Does he call you upset? If that's his m.o., then it sounds like "saying your piece" is something your family does, and sure, you can do that before pulling back.

But you DID have the talk already a few years ago, and nothing changed, so I think you can reasonably start pulling back without announcing, "Hello! This is me pulling back!"

One thing to remember is that his kids are innocent in this. So I'd keep sending them gifts/cards, if that's what I do for all my nieces and nephews.

I shifted to sending birthday and Christmas cards. Maybe just sit and wait to see how long it takes for him to contact.

Anonymous wrote:SIL prioritizes her family and that takes up all your brother’s time and attention. What was your relationship with her like?

Ummm, what? You think brother desperately wants to call his sister, and his wife slaps the phone out of his hand?

I think people are very rigid about expectations. My SIL could probably have written this but she wouldn’t because she understands we get busy on the day of and will contact her at a good time. I’d text probably but honestly the big celebration is with the people you see in person. If that’s not your family it’s about proximity not whose Il you are.

Anonymous wrote:My DH is not close to his family. My dad was not close to his. I think there are a lot of men who do not stay close to their family of origin but are perfectly happy in their lives.

Are you married OP?

Well, he's certainly teaching his own kids to do the same.

Otherwise, you really shouldn't generalize.

I have several brothers and a sister. Not close to any. They do not care.

SIL prioritizes her family and that takes up all your brother’s time and attention. What was your relationship with her like?

My DH is not close to his family. My dad was not close to his. I think there are a lot of men who do not stay close to their family of origin but are perfectly happy in their lives.

Are you married OP?

I can see this happening w one of my brothers too and it’s sad. We used to be close and we both have kids of similar ages. I’d love to have a relationship w my brother, his wife (my only SIL), and their kids. I’d love for the cousins to grow up close and for my kids to have their aunt and uncle in their lives.

But they don’t seem to feel the same way. I think part of it is just that they’re really busy—they both work and have 2 young kids whereas I’m a SAHM and my kids are slightly older and in school so I have more time to think about other things like family relationships. I also think they focus more on SIL’s family than on mine. Her parents are divorced and both remarried so she has 2 sets of parents and she also has more siblings than in my family. I guess it also seems in a lot of families (and is true in my brother and SIL’s case) w heterosexual couples, that people tend to be closer w the woman’s family than the man’s family. Maybe because women tend to be better than men at maintaining family relationships/emotional ties to people in general.

Did he call the next day? Sounds like it may have been busy with company over for said cousins bday. But he should have responded to your email or texts.

Anonymous wrote:You contact him because you want to, OP, not because you expect reciprocity. He could have inattentive ADHD, Asperger's, or maybe he just doesn't feel the need to contact you so frequently, even though he loves you. Whatever the reason, just contact him when you feel like it.

True. Either way , he doesn’t value or care about relationships. Yes drop the rope. I hope he treats his own wife Ok.

OP. Thanks, I appreciate the perspectives.