Anonymous wrote:Also, weed is a depressant. So he’s barking up the wrong tree if he thinks that will fix his mood issue. Since you all have a 4 month old I would guess that the likelier cause of this depression is sleep deprivation, life stress, and the addition of a newborn to your family. If you both aren’t getting 8 solid hours of sleep each night, table the divorce and mental health conversations and focus on that.

Anonymous wrote:Also, weed is a depressant. So he’s barking up the wrong tree if he thinks that will fix his mood issue. Since you all have a 4 month old I would guess that the likelier cause of this depression is sleep deprivation, life stress, and the addition of a newborn to your family. If you both aren’t getting 8 solid hours of sleep each night, table the divorce and mental health conversations and focus on that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

This is excellent advice above, OP. It's sad to have to say it but you need to take advantage of this stage quickly, before he starts to backpedal, deny he's got a problem, claim weed "isn't addictive" blah blah. It'll happen sooner or later. I'd get as much documentation as you possibly can, as soon as you can, like PP says. And you can't let DH know what it's really for (full custody eventually) but...yeah, you need full legal and physical custody. THIS time the baby was with him but another time it could be so different and tragic. Next time the baby might be in the car.

I truly wish for you a very aggressive and experienced attorney who can get you the sole custody you need to protect your kids. If your DH eventually straightens up for long enough he might get some custody or visitation but right now and for a long time to come, he's a danger to your kids. I actually wish I could somehow steer you to a good attorney. Maybe you can post here separately for names of attorneys people have used in custody situaitons where a parent is a drug user.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Voice of dissent here. My experience on these threads is that there are a lot of divorced people who want other people to get divorced to affirm their life choice and to validate themselves and to address the social isolation and stigma they likely feel in real life by building a virtual community of other people who are and support for virtually any circumstance.

I found your first post interesting. Your husband is asking your permission to use weed, and you are trying to put all sorts of parameters on his usage, how often, when, dosage, etc. It seems to me, that you are very controlling and so perhaps this secret usage is a way to avoid you controlling his recreational drug use.

I’m sorry, but leaving the baby on a car seat - outside - so he can smoke a joint, to me, is not a divorcable event. It isn’t the best idea and smacks of immaturity but he’s an adult, weed is legal in many areas, and frankly, a ton of men smoke pot. In my upper crust Bethesda neighborhood, I know of at least a half dozen married fathers who occasionally get together after the kids go down for bed and hang out in the yard and smoke pot. None of the wives are in the hysterics you are. Was he blowing the smoke in the baby’s face? Probably not. Was the baby safe and being observed. Probably. Was he far enough away for baby to avoid second hand? Probably. Your utter hysteria, to me, is the problem. It sounds like you have created a very materialistic relationship with your partner where you are controlling and angry, he feels controlled by you and rebels by withdrawing and getting angry, hiding things, getting more depressed, and doing less around the home which fuels your anger and resentment and you try to put greater control on him. Vicious cycle.

What the two of you need - in the thick of difficult years parenting - is couples counseling. This is not a divorcable event, sorry. When you made wedding vows you promised to stick by each other in better and worse times. This is a worse time. To not even try to save your marriage with a 4 month old, is a decision you will later retreat, because these little kids will grow up and constantly wonder why you got divorced and if they caused it. You should at least, at the end of the day, be able to tell them that you did everything you could to save the marriage. And I’m sorry, but you have not done that.

OP. The problem is not the weed use. It is that it interferes with our lives. He stays up all night getting high, then sleeps in all morning so I am on childcare duty solo. He gets lazy and uses it as an excuse to not help out with cooking, cleaning, etc. He sneaks off in the middle of the day under the guise of errands so he can smoke. If this were alcohol, it would rightly be seen as problematic. Even if I was a controlling wife who disapproved of her husband’s drinking, if he was sneaking off in the middle of the day to drink or so hungover the next day he couldn’t function, it would be seen as an addiction.

Regardless, it is not working for me. I can not take care of my kids (including an infant), our dogs, work, and deal with this problem. I am literally doing everything despite me crying, begging, and pleading for his help. That enough is reason for me to separate.

Also, our baby has pre-existing conditions that make second hand smoke very dangerous. She was born prematurely and had COVID, and has had long term respiratory problems as a result. Adding in any sort of second or third hand smoke is hugely dangerous, he knows this.

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

Anonymous wrote:Voice of dissent here. My experience on these threads is that there are a lot of divorced people who want other people to get divorced to affirm their life choice and to validate themselves and to address the social isolation and stigma they likely feel in real life by building a virtual community of other people who are and support for virtually any circumstance.

I found your first post interesting. Your husband is asking your permission to use weed, and you are trying to put all sorts of parameters on his usage, how often, when, dosage, etc. It seems to me, that you are very controlling and so perhaps this secret usage is a way to avoid you controlling his recreational drug use.

I’m sorry, but leaving the baby on a car seat - outside - so he can smoke a joint, to me, is not a divorcable event. It isn’t the best idea and smacks of immaturity but he’s an adult, weed is legal in many areas, and frankly, a ton of men smoke pot. In my upper crust Bethesda neighborhood, I know of at least a half dozen married fathers who occasionally get together after the kids go down for bed and hang out in the yard and smoke pot. None of the wives are in the hysterics you are. Was he blowing the smoke in the baby’s face? Probably not. Was the baby safe and being observed. Probably. Was he far enough away for baby to avoid second hand? Probably. Your utter hysteria, to me, is the problem. It sounds like you have created a very materialistic relationship with your partner where you are controlling and angry, he feels controlled by you and rebels by withdrawing and getting angry, hiding things, getting more depressed, and doing less around the home which fuels your anger and resentment and you try to put greater control on him. Vicious cycle.

What the two of you need - in the thick of difficult years parenting - is couples counseling. This is not a divorcable event, sorry. When you made wedding vows you promised to stick by each other in better and worse times. This is a worse time. To not even try to save your marriage with a 4 month old, is a decision you will later retreat, because these little kids will grow up and constantly wonder why you got divorced and if they caused it. You should at least, at the end of the day, be able to tell them that you did everything you could to save the marriage. And I’m sorry, but you have not done that.

Anonymous wrote:No wrong decision here. But if you are feel overburdened now it is not going to be any easier alone with sole custody. -Single mom with sole custody after physical abuse, and very tired.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not recently divorced. It’s a hard and sad process, but there’s also a lot of peace that comes with it. This is the beginning of a wonderful new chapter of you. You are going to love your new found freedom, and the return of your mental and emotional energy. Best of luck to you! You should be proud of yourself.