Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

It's creepy. I would never go to even my closest family member's home and just use their whatever, and not tell them?

And my MIL is welcome in my home ANY time, but you tell someone your are going and/or that you were there. Waiting til they are out of time is sneaky and creepy. It stinks of snooping.

Like a PP mentioned, you can assign different codes to different people. Which is definitely what I would do with vendors, since then you can delete after their work is done. You can give your MIL a code and have it alert you when used, or turn it off when you want to be more private. With these apps there are usually different ways you can set things up to how you feel comfortable. Then in the future say something like you have a new app where the code has to be "activated" to be used so she needs to let you know when she's going to stop by. Blame it on the technology. Or if you don't want her visiting, just turn her code off when you want.

There are 2 issues here: MIL violated privacy by letting herself in the house without asking or at least alerting first. OP and her DH are not overreacting here. 2. How dare MIL actually be angry that she was not alerted of a new code when she was violating privacy behind their backs?

Anonymous wrote:
I would be happy to let my MIL or parents use my house in my absence so they could relax a bit and use the bathroom -
at their age, they need to go more frequently!

All I can assume is that your relationship is fraught already, since your MIL has been letting herself in without telling you. Why would she do that? If you don't trust her, you can't let her in, but merely going by your first post, it seems as though you're over-reacting, and not letting a frail old lady have a well-earned rest.

She would do that because she has boundary issues and asserts herself instead of risking a no. I would bet that OP’s mil has boundary issues around other things too. Even if relationship is fraught, and not on mil, that does not make it ok to go into someone else’s house without permission. Not a sister, in-law, or best friend. Even when I stop by my parents house out of the blue I give them a quick call when I’m a couple blocks away to just make sure no one is napping or whatnot.

I would be annoyed by the boundary violation but I don’t think the answer is to punish her by not giving her the new code. Tell her just give you a heads up if she needs to use the restroom, etc, and get a camera doorbell so you’ll know when she does.

You’re not overreacting OP. Some people have poor boundaries and instead of accepting responsibility they become defensive and self justified when called out.

My mil used to do this. She has a key for emergency purposes or just in case we are not home and she needs to come over. She clearly didn’t understand because we realized she was stopping by our house when we were away to poke around, bring in mail. Even when we explicitly said Do Not Do This, she would still do it. Finally the last time my DH said something like “mom, we asked you to please not come over without asking and us saying ok. Why do you keep doing this?” She was really irritated but seems to have gotten the message and hasn’t since. We have cameras so get alerts when people enter our house when we are away.

You are not wrong and it is better to set boundary now then later when it gets worse and worse. All she needed to do was ask from the get-go “would you mind if I ever need a quick break or bathroom if I stopped by your house when you are oot?” I have no idea why people don’t just do this. I think it has to do with control issues and feeling like certain people are “theirs” so they can do as they please.

The most important part of your post is that your husband is just as pissed and on board with not giving out the new code. That’s all anyone needs to know here. I’d suggest that you move along and stop reading, OP. There will be those that think MIL is just fine stopping in unannounced while you are not home. No need to waste time reading that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would be happy to let my MIL or parents use my house in my absence so they could relax a bit and use the bathroom -
at their age, they need to go more frequently!

All I can assume is that your relationship is fraught already, since your MIL has been letting herself in without telling you. Why would she do that? If you don't trust her, you can't let her in, but merely going by your first post, it seems as though you're over-reacting, and not letting a frail old lady have a well-earned rest.

OP here. We did up until now have a good relationship and we help her out a lot, and have always appreciated when we fed our cat and brought in packages while we were on vacation. In fact, we once asked her to stop by to feed the cat for two days, and she said would it be OK if I just spent the weekend there so I won’t have to drive and we said of course! We help her out a lot but have never entered her home without her knowledge. We even hosted a friend of hers who lives pretty close to us who had water damage in our basement. We had never even met the friend but were happy to help out a friend of MIL’s.

Had she asked us first or even told us after the fact, of course we would have been fine with her taking a break at our house. As to your “why would she do that” question…well, exactly!

^meant to say when she fed our cat

Anonymous wrote:
I would be happy to let my MIL or parents use my house in my absence so they could relax a bit and use the bathroom -
at their age, they need to go more frequently!

All I can assume is that your relationship is fraught already, since your MIL has been letting herself in without telling you. Why would she do that? If you don't trust her, you can't let her in, but merely going by your first post, it seems as though you're over-reacting, and not letting a frail old lady have a well-earned rest.

OP here. We did up until now have a good relationship and we help her out a lot, and have always appreciated when we fed our cat and brought in packages while we were on vacation. In fact, we once asked her to stop by to feed the cat for two days, and she said would it be OK if I just spent the weekend there so I won’t have to drive and we said of course! We help her out a lot but have never entered her home without her knowledge. We even hosted a friend of hers who lives pretty close to us who had water damage in our basement. We had never even met the friend but were happy to help out a friend of MIL’s.

Had she asked us first or even told us after the fact, of course we would have been fine with her taking a break at our house. As to your “why would she do that” question…well, exactly!

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

There is no reason that the MIL could not have asked them. She never told them because she knew it was wrong to enter their house without permission.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t have an issue with it (apparently she left the house in fine form since you didn’t even realize she was there!) but agree she should have told you.

+1

Anonymous wrote:
I would be happy to let my MIL or parents use my house in my absence so they could relax a bit and use the bathroom -
at their age, they need to go more frequently!

All I can assume is that your relationship is fraught already, since your MIL has been letting herself in without telling you. Why would she do that? If you don't trust her, you can't let her in, but merely going by your first post, it seems as though you're over-reacting, and not letting a frail old lady have a well-earned rest.

There is no reason why MIL couldn’t have asked or at least informed them about her visit after the fact. None. There is literally no reason why she couldn’t have asked or said later I wanted you to know I stopped by. None.

Anonymous wrote:You're not overreacting. It's a violation of the social contract. She had the code with the understanding she would only use it under certain circumstances. It is common courtesy to inform/ask someone to visit your home, especially when you aren't there. That she never mentioned she was going into your home while you weren't there is really odd. Her outrage at no longer having the code tells you all you need to know.

100%. If she had apologized and backed down and explained that she really relies on stopping by to use the restroom or take a break before driving again, maybe she could earn some grace. But her being mad at you and DH is beyond and shows you that you are right not to give her the new code. She brought this on herself. She could have asked first, or told you that she stopped by, or been contrite about the violation. These are appropriate consequences.

I would feel like my space had been violated too. It’s less a question of her using it, and more of her not asking first and letting you know after. That would have been ok with me.

I would be happy to let my MIL or parents use my house in my absence so they could relax a bit and use the bathroom -
at their age, they need to go more frequently!

All I can assume is that your relationship is fraught already, since your MIL has been letting herself in without telling you. Why would she do that? If you don't trust her, you can't let her in, but merely going by your first post, it seems as though you're over-reacting, and not letting a frail old lady have a well-earned rest.