I sometimes keep secrets, but I would not feel obligated in this situation; you have not agreed to anything, and your mom cannot just put that on you.

OP again. Yes it’s become a problem with my mom and having to keep track of who should know what. Multiple times I have accidentally said something to a sibling who wasn’t supposed to know something even though the other siblings knew. I mean, my sister is supposed to drive them to the airport but she has no idea why they’re traveling in the first place. Don’t know why I was told anyway, I live hours away and won’t be involved in all this.
Mom is now mad that I spoke up to her instead of just saying I would keep it a secret. But that’s another problem.
I’m not planning on telling DH unless he directly asks about the cousin. I shouldn’t have described her as a “random family member “ since DH has had to help her out a few times in the past so he may ask how she’s doing one day.
Before anyone asks, yes I’ve been in therapy.

I don’t keep secrets from my spouse and it would really annoy me if my mom or any family member kept telling me stories and then insisting I not tell my DH.

If this went on or was a pattern I would just say “you know what, will you please refrain from telling me things that you also want me to keep secret from DH? I don’t like keeping secrets from him and it is exhausting to keep track of what I am not supposed to share with him. Thanks for understanding.”

If they push back I would just say something like “I hate to miss out on hearing your stories etc… but I need to put my marriage first and not having secrets is something I really value.” Or say nothing at all and it’s clear this person doesn’t get it.

I don’t really think this is considered keeping a secret from your spouse. This is not sharing someone else’s information. I probably would not share it, and my husband would most likely not really even be interested in hearing about it. It’s different if this somehow impacts you or him or your children. I don’t see why he needs to know - other than it being juicy information to gossip about with one another.

Married nearly 30 yrs. He knows 95 percent of everything. But not everything. There is such a thing as oversharing imo. Things I haven't shared:

1 how I get lonely sometimes BC he always is busy with his hobbies...tennis, golf, etc. Yes I played tennis for years to keep up but his League is much higher than mine. So it wasn't a couple's thing. Golf, it's with the guys. Now when he's gone for the day, I do something fun myself, museums, walks, bike ride, cafés, meet a girlfriend for lunch etc.

2 how a guy I knew over 30 years ago emails me once a year to check in how I am with life. He sends family pics. We exchange one or two short emails. Usually just over a period of a few days. I don't share much personal stuff with him. But I like hearing from him once a year. He lives thousands of miles away. Apparently I was the one that got away. Ten years ago he wanted to fly out and meet me. I was horrified and we didn't communicate for a couple years. He was embarrassed I think. A couple years went by and he started his annual email to me again.

3 how I have some regrets about marrying into his crazy in-laws. He's a good person but there is some serious addiction and dysfunctional stuff in his family that has long term impacts.

4 how years ago a work colleague was flirty with me and I was flirty back.

5 how he's overweight and been trying to lose 25 pounds for the past 15 years. Getting a little tired of hearing about it. But I would never tell him that or call him overweight.

So yes he knows 95 plus percent but not everything single thing.

Anonymous wrote:It’s like she read my mind. I just got a barrage of texts out of the blue starting with the double exclamations about not telling DH again, followed by more details about what’s going on with the cousin. I’m going to respond to her that I hope things will get better soon but there’s no reason to be yelling in her texts and I won’t go out of my way to tell him but I won’t lie either if it comes up one day.
Wish me luck this won’t go well. Yes my mom is insane, much like a lot of moms on this board. I’ve been married over 20 years so it’s not like DH isn’t one of the family.

My husband reads my text and keeps track of my cell phone as I don't... so, he'd just laugh, respond like he's me and tell me my mom is crazy. But, I'm loyal to my husband, not mom.

My friends can tell me things in confidence. If it doesn’t affect DH, there’s no reason for him to know. I treasure the relationships I have with my friends and respect their privacy.

Yes. Things that aren't mine to tell. He also doesn't know everything about me

Your mother is the one who is telling the secrets. Tell her to stop telling you information and then dictating who you cannot tell. She’s the one who started this game. Even better, tell her you are opening your Facebook app to tell the world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do keep friend's secrets from him. If my friend tells me she's going through a scary divorce and asks me not to tell anyone, it does her no good and me no good to immediately tell
My dh. If someone asks you not to tell, and it has nothing to do with you and your life, I would keep it to yourself.

+1. I do not keep my secrets from him, I keep other people's secrets from him.

OP again. Yes to this. If someone tells me something in confidence then of course I honor that. But this is different. This is something about a random family member and my mom is just embarrassed about it.
I did tell her I won’t lie if it comes up one day. She then asked why on earth it would come up. And then - if it does come up, just say that she is going through some hard times and I don’t know the details.

Correct me if I’m wrong, mom, but that’s lying.

I don’t understand the distinction you are making. You said if someone tells you something in confidence then of course you would honor it…? Isn’t that exactly what your mom did?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do keep friend's secrets from him. If my friend tells me she's going through a scary divorce and asks me not to tell anyone, it does her no good and me no good to immediately tell
My dh. If someone asks you not to tell, and it has nothing to do with you and your life, I would keep it to yourself.

+1. I do not keep my secrets from him, I keep other people's secrets from him.

OP again. Yes to this. If someone tells me something in confidence then of course I honor that. But this is different. This is something about a random family member and my mom is just embarrassed about it.
I did tell her I won’t lie if it comes up one day. She then asked why on earth it would come up. And then - if it does come up, just say that she is going through some hard times and I don’t know the details.

Correct me if I’m wrong, mom, but that’s lying.

I wouldn’t think anything about this and understand my own mother to simply say “fine.” My husband would not care to hear about any personal things going on with my cousins. He doesn’t really know them since we have never been local. He wouldn’t care if my mother was flying out to help them. It wouldn’t do any good to tell him and if I did, he would listen more for me. It also wouldn’t do any good to tell my mom I told him, if I ever did.

If you know your mom is embarrassed, don’t create an issue by insisting you will tell your husband after she asked you not to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do keep friend's secrets from him. If my friend tells me she's going through a scary divorce and asks me not to tell anyone, it does her no good and me no good to immediately tell
My dh. If someone asks you not to tell, and it has nothing to do with you and your life, I would keep it to yourself.

+1. I do not keep my secrets from him, I keep other people's secrets from him.

Yep. This is not your secret, OP. No need to tell.

Agree. OP, you say it’s a random family member as of their privacy doesn’t matter. There’s no need to tell your DH here. Sounds like your mom should have kept it to herself but desperately needs someone to discuss it with; so why can’t you honor her request not to tell DH. Doesn’t sound like he would even care, anyway, doesn’t sound like it’s something you need him to process.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do keep friend's secrets from him. If my friend tells me she's going through a scary divorce and asks me not to tell anyone, it does her no good and me no good to immediately tell
My dh. If someone asks you not to tell, and it has nothing to do with you and your life, I would keep it to yourself.

+1. I do not keep my secrets from him, I keep other people's secrets from him.

Yep. This is not your secret, OP. No need to tell.

Only about gifts. We're really good about being each other's vaults.

I certainly have an interior private life, and if someone asks me not to tell my DH something, I won’t (within reason), but I mostly share things freely with my husband. My mother has many secrets, I think it’s a generational thing.