Anonymous
06/02/2022 13:58
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
Anonymous wrote:My MIL is obsessed with my son (and no, I'm not even complaining about how damaging this is to my daughter, both kids are college-aged). She has a long history of altering her plans so that she just "happens" to be in the area when she thinks she can see him, figuring we won't be able to say "no". She has no respect for boundaries. In the past she would announce she was going to visit for the weekend, and for the fourth weekend in a row, where my husband explained that it just wouldn't work, she had my father-in-law make up some story. Now they were going to be driving through on Monday, but she found out that my son is coming in Saturday night (9 p.m.), is going out with friends, and plans on hanging out with us on Sunday for brunch. He has a train ride to his summer internship that leaves at 2:30 p.m. My MIL has announced that she just happens to have changed her plans and will be driving by on Sunday. I don't want them to stop by for brunch. I feel like I get precious little time with him, and haven't seen him for months (whereas they have already swooped in to his college town to visit recently). It just isn't the same dynamic hosting them - I always get pushed to the background. My husband wants to be the nice guy, and just allow them to show up. I'm on the fence - suck it up, or put my foot down. Any advice?
So stop getting pushed to the background. Doing so will also help your DS see that it is ok to set boundaries. The easiest way is to do the opposite of what you normally do. If you run around hosting, don't. Put something out and expect people to serve themselves. You sit down hang out with your DS and if they ask for something either pretend you don't hear them or say oh there is plenty in the kitchen - help yourself! And quickly start a conversation. Your DH can fetch things for them. It's really easy to do the ignore, they ask, you smile a little at them and then turn to your kid and start talking. If someone says oh they asked you for so and so, you slightly turn and say oh sorry I was lost in though, just go ahead and help yourself. The first couple of times I got teased for being spacey and just went along with it and said ok guess so! but after a few times, it wore thin and they realized I didn't care.
Anonymous
06/02/2022 13:49
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
So I guess this is how things look from your helicopter.
Anonymous
06/02/2022 13:46
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
OP, you need to stand up for yourself. i mean you have college age kids! Dude, you should have done that long time ago. Put your foot down and tell you husband to deal with it, or pick up the phone and tell that woman that you want some time with your core family alone, and to back off.
Anonymous
06/02/2022 13:44
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
Anonymous wrote:You sound like a horrible person
go away. as my 2 yr old would say.
Anonymous
06/02/2022 13:08
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
I would let this one go but have a family meeting (you, DH, son) to discuss privacy, plans, boundaries, and mutual cooperation.
Anonymous
06/02/2022 12:40
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
You sound like a horrible person
Anonymous
06/02/2022 12:38
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
Just let them know you will be available to visit with them after 3pm or so on Sunday, and that you have plans earlier in the day.
Anonymous
06/02/2022 12:29
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
OP can't remember who told the MIL?
I don't buy it. But if that's true, it can only mean that the situation isn't as dire as she describes. Otherwise, you know full well that when making the plans, OP, DH, and DS would all be like "ok, no mention of this to MIL."
I don't buy it. But if that's true, it can only mean that the situation isn't as dire as she describes. Otherwise, you know full well that when making the plans, OP, DH, and DS would all be like "ok, no mention of this to MIL."
Anonymous
06/02/2022 12:24
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
Your son is an adult. He can manage his relationship with grandma.
Anonymous
06/02/2022 12:22
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?
Loose lips sink ships. Don’t tell her anything unless you want to see her. And if your son actively wants to see her, that’s fine, but you don’t have to be around. Go on a spa weekend. He’s not a baby.
Notice that OP won’t answer this question: How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?
If you told her, that’s on you.
If DH told her, that’s on him.
If YOUR SON told her, and he wants to see her, then THAT is what “rules the day.” It’s his time home and he should see the people he wants to see during the visit. If you don’t like that, take yourself out to the movies or get your nails done.
I don't honestly remember. Most likely she asked, and we answered. It's hard to be evasive on direct questioning, and my son would have told her if we hadn't.
Actually, it was my son's idea to have brunch with me, my husband and daughter.
He hasn't heard anything about grandma's plans - that communication is going through my husband. She hasn't reached out to my son.
Does your son really care if Grandma comes to brunch? You sound very possessive of your adult son.
OP isn’t being possessive she doesn’t want a rude relative to demand an invitation.
Anonymous
06/02/2022 12:21
Subject: Re:MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
It’s the OP’s house. OP and her husband have the right to not host.
1. Tell her absolutely not. Tell her you won’t open the door.
2. Lie and tell her that plans changed. DS will be coming through at dinner time so you won’t be having brunch and you/DH have some errand to run n Sunday morning.
1. Tell her absolutely not. Tell her you won’t open the door.
2. Lie and tell her that plans changed. DS will be coming through at dinner time so you won’t be having brunch and you/DH have some errand to run n Sunday morning.
Anonymous
06/02/2022 11:19
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?
Loose lips sink ships. Don’t tell her anything unless you want to see her. And if your son actively wants to see her, that’s fine, but you don’t have to be around. Go on a spa weekend. He’s not a baby.
Notice that OP won’t answer this question: How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?
If you told her, that’s on you.
If DH told her, that’s on him.
If YOUR SON told her, and he wants to see her, then THAT is what “rules the day.” It’s his time home and he should see the people he wants to see during the visit. If you don’t like that, take yourself out to the movies or get your nails done.
I don't honestly remember. Most likely she asked, and we answered. It's hard to be evasive on direct questioning, and my son would have told her if we hadn't.
Actually, it was my son's idea to have brunch with me, my husband and daughter.
He hasn't heard anything about grandma's plans - that communication is going through my husband. She hasn't reached out to my son.
Does your son really care if Grandma comes to brunch? You sound very possessive of your adult son.
Anonymous
06/02/2022 10:48
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?
Loose lips sink ships. Don’t tell her anything unless you want to see her. And if your son actively wants to see her, that’s fine, but you don’t have to be around. Go on a spa weekend. He’s not a baby.
Notice that OP won’t answer this question: How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?
If you told her, that’s on you.
If DH told her, that’s on him.
If YOUR SON told her, and he wants to see her, then THAT is what “rules the day.” It’s his time home and he should see the people he wants to see during the visit. If you don’t like that, take yourself out to the movies or get your nails done.
I don't honestly remember. Most likely she asked, and we answered. It's hard to be evasive on direct questioning, and my son would have told her if we hadn't.
Actually, it was my son's idea to have brunch with me, my husband and daughter.
He hasn't heard anything about grandma's plans - that communication is going through my husband. She hasn't reached out to my son.
Well, there you have it. YOUR SON is choosing to have a close relationship with his grandma where he tells her his plans. So either YOUR SON can stop telling her every time he's in town, or he can make arrangements to see her or to host her. Do you get that? Do you get that if he informs you that Grandma will be coming over for brunch, you can say hey sounds fun, enjoy, and you can go get a pedicure or make a coffee date with a friend? You don't even need to be there. And if you want time with your son without Grandma around, you can open your mouth and communicate that to the son you raised.
This isn't on her. She is just expressing her wishes. This is on you and DH for informing her of your plans and your business, and on your son for informing her of his plans and his business.
Anonymous
06/02/2022 09:18
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?
Loose lips sink ships. Don’t tell her anything unless you want to see her. And if your son actively wants to see her, that’s fine, but you don’t have to be around. Go on a spa weekend. He’s not a baby.
Notice that OP won’t answer this question: How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?
If you told her, that’s on you.
If DH told her, that’s on him.
If YOUR SON told her, and he wants to see her, then THAT is what “rules the day.” It’s his time home and he should see the people he wants to see during the visit. If you don’t like that, take yourself out to the movies or get your nails done.
I don't honestly remember. Most likely she asked, and we answered. It's hard to be evasive on direct questioning, and my son would have told her if we hadn't.
Actually, it was my son's idea to have brunch with me, my husband and daughter.
He hasn't heard anything about grandma's plans - that communication is going through my husband. She hasn't reached out to my son.
You need to get better at deflecting direct questions. It takes practice.
But especially since you daughter is still in the house, you need to be protecting her. And really your son too. Her favoritism can ruin your kid's own sibling relationship. I would have shut grandma out awhile ago because of it.
Anonymous
06/02/2022 09:16
Subject: MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Tell him your kid changed his pants and won’t be in the area after all.
Why stop at pants, tell her he changed his shirts too!
Boys never change their underwear! Mom, tell DS to change his underwear!!!