it sounds like a financial issue - obsessive saving - does it extend to other areas of your life or is he just really not into decor? (dinners, vacations)

Anonymous wrote:I understand what you mean. In my case, the furniture was a huge issue, and it was one of many things that he was ultra controlling about. I decided to take a freelance gig on the side and didn't mention it. I saved up $20k over several months, and spent a large part of that on new furniture. He didn't ask many questions since I was paying for everything. We did eventually divorce due to his controlling nature.

Bingo! OP, this is not about furniture. Whatever the issue, it's manifesting itself as arguing about furniture but the issue is bigger than that. And you can divorce your husband for anything you feel is reasonable. Everyone has different deal-breakers.

He needs to see the difference. If he doesn't have a social life os doesn't see other people's houses, show him pictures of how normal adults live.

You should divorce because your husband is controlling. Dang.

Anonymous wrote:Ha. My dad was like this. My siblings and I slept on mattresses on the floor because my dad thought bed frames were pointless. His second wife did not put up with that. The first thing she did when they got married was buy a regular to replace the card table he was using. My dad didn’t complain.

Okay but I want to add that it’s not all great for my stepmom either. She would like to replace the 40-year old forest green carpet. Nope! It’s functional so no point. She would like to have the popcorn ceilings scraped and painted over, and can’t do it herself because she is disabled. Ha heck no, nothing wrong with popcorn ceilings. Speaking of her being disabled, she would like to spend 5K to convert her bathtub into a walk-in shower because one of her legs was amputated and it’s hard to hop over the side of the bathtub to shower. Nope. My dad lets her hop.

I’m a SAHM and i buy whatever I want. I’m a grown woman. I get to make those choices. If my husband said he wanted me to ask permission to buy an end table from Craigslist I’d tell him he can find a new wife who is okay with that arrangement. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My husband did not "forbid me" from buying furniture but this was definitely an issue early in our relationship. He was still very much in the mode that if we could technically furnish our apartment with stuff he found on the street, we did not need to buy anything, and certainly not anything high quality that might actually last, be comfortable, or work properly.

I just had to work on him. First I argued with him about why furnishing our home with decent furniture was an investment in our own comfort and happiness. One thing that helped with this is that he developed back problems he was convinced were related to our mattress. I said "oh, then we should buy a new mattress." Which we did, with him freaking out the whole time about how much mattresses cost. But each time he tried to cheap out, I asked "What is the point in spending $400 on a mattress that will hurt your back? Isn't it worth it to spend $900 or $1000 on a good quality mattress that will be comfortable? You sleep on it every night." That was the beginning of him starting to understand the value in spending money (which we could absolutely afford) on furniture.

I also just had to acclimate him to the cost of furniture so that he understood that when I suggested we buy a lamp for $150, I was actually being frugal. He had this childish idea that all furniture should cost less than $100 because he'd only ever shopped at IKEA. Once he understood the actual range of costs for furniture, and saw what furniture that you didn't have to assemble and that wasn't made of composite materials looked like, he became more open to buying higher quality things.

Anonymous wrote:Op, you have yet to answer if you have kids?

Also, how is he not letting you? Use your own money to buy it and then he cant say anything.

Is he frugal and controlling all around or just when it comes to this?

if no kids and controlling in all aspects, get the hell out.

Op listen to this. Step back and look at the big picture instead of getting bogged down in petty details about furniture

Op, you have yet to answer if you have kids?

Also, how is he not letting you? Use your own money to buy it and then he cant say anything.

Is he frugal and controlling all around or just when it comes to this?

if no kids and controlling in all aspects, get the hell out.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have the money, but he is certain that any aesthetic upgrades are pointless and a waste of money. Nevermind the fact that it causes me deep distress to live in a space that isn't furnished like a normal adults apartment should be. Before I even provide him with options, he will exaggerate and say that he does not want me to "spend thousands on a table" and lecture me about being frugal.

Just find inexpensive things on Facebook marketplace. There’s your compromise. You both win. There are lots of rich people selling their expensive things for next to nothing on Facebook. (I love rich people)

Are there certain things he WILL spend money on or is he just a tightwad in general?

You say everyone who knows you knows that you love nice things. So you're not springing some new personality trait on your husband. I presume that part of why you two work is that you balance each other out, but that only works if you're meeting in the middle.

Has he looked at, say, West Elm online to see what furniture costs these days?

It sounds like you can both learn how to communicate better. You say he is forbidding you and shutting you down, but it also sounds like you hear his comment and then stop engaging. Schedule a time to sit down and be very clear about needing to set a budget for x, y, and z pieces. Express some empathy for his issues but be clear that you remaining unhappy isn't an option.

Anonymous wrote:Clearly, yes, you can. Is this something you can work through, though? Is he controlling in general, as others have suggested?

It's hard to judge without knowing how much you want to spend on said furniture and if there is anything else at play here, like you are saving to buy a place in a few years and furniture won't necessarily work elsewhere. Personally, we've lived with our rather shoddy bedroom furniture for 10 years, since i figured styles would change before we got a 'dream home.'

Compromise: Try estate sales!

Well, early in our marriage we were broke and made little money. So we did not have much extra on updating our home. We made good money now and can certainly easily afford a few upgrades to our living space. It just never occurs to him as in his eyes it is unnecessary and frivolous. My demands are:

- no furniture from target and Walmart
- good quality wood antiques from FB marketplace, estate sales or other second hand stores

He hears me turning down Walmart and panics and thinks I want to buy a 2k table.

At this point I am so resentful and angry at him I just want to walk and build a home and nest with someone who would appreciate my desire to make us a nice home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been married? any kids? Speaking from experience, this miserly behavior will get much worse over time. The point is, he doesn't care that you are miserable not having decent furniture. You are not going to spend "thousands of dollars" on a table. He's not listening.

OP here. I think it is this that is gutting to me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I like nice things and would like a nice living space. Of course there is a difference between buying a 5K couch vs a 1200k couch or a 3k table vs a $600 table.

At this point in our life, I do NOT want to buy target furniture or have mismatched old furniture from his bachelor days. Currently I use an empty box as a side table as we do not have a pair. Our dining table is old and the fabric on the chairs is gross and peeling. He does not see it as a problem. I am not allowed to look for fabric to reupholster those, nor am I allowed to look for side tables.

He automatically turns down any discussion that suggests a side table will cost more than $50. He also has insanely unreasonable demands for what the prices of furniture should be. He wants a $300 couch and a $50 table.

Never mind the fact that it does not matter to him that this IS important to me and makes me miserable.

What do you mean “allowed”? Like does he physically block you from going?

Do you have kids? It’s not divorcing over furniture, it’s divorcing because he’s controlling and doesn’t care about your needs.

I’d just flat out say “I can either buy furniture for our home, or I can buy furniture for the new apartment I’ll be moving into if you continue this BS. Your choice”

Clearly, yes, you can. Is this something you can work through, though? Is he controlling in general, as others have suggested?

It's hard to judge without knowing how much you want to spend on said furniture and if there is anything else at play here, like you are saving to buy a place in a few years and furniture won't necessarily work elsewhere. Personally, we've lived with our rather shoddy bedroom furniture for 10 years, since i figured styles would change before we got a 'dream home.'

Compromise: Try estate sales!

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been married? any kids? Speaking from experience, this miserly behavior will get much worse over time. The point is, he doesn't care that you are miserable not having decent furniture. You are not going to spend "thousands of dollars" on a table. He's not listening.

OP here. I think it is this that is gutting to me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I like nice things and would like a nice living space. Of course there is a difference between buying a 5K couch vs a 1200k couch or a 3k table vs a $600 table.

At this point in our life, I do NOT want to buy target furniture or have mismatched old furniture from his bachelor days. Currently I use an empty box as a side table as we do not have a pair. Our dining table is old and the fabric on the chairs is gross and peeling. He does not see it as a problem. I am not allowed to look for fabric to reupholster those, nor am I allowed to look for side tables.

He automatically turns down any discussion that suggests a side table will cost more than $50. He also has insanely unreasonable demands for what the prices of furniture should be. He wants a $300 couch and a $50 table.

Never mind the fact that it does not matter to him that this IS important to me and makes me miserable.

How long have you been married? any kids? Speaking from experience, this miserly behavior will get much worse over time. The point is, he doesn't care that you are miserable not having decent furniture. You are not going to spend "thousands of dollars" on a table. He's not listening.