In your case OP I’d be worrying about what you’re modeling for your kids. “Can’t lead”? Sounds awfully misogynistic to me— what happens when your daughter thinks being bossed around is just what’s normal for a woman? What happens if your son thinks he’s just “supposed” to be listened to. This is less an issue of compromise and more an issue of parenting and family dynamics. I’d get your dh into therapy before he does more damage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my marriage is about compromise. But we have to compromise to protect it. Every time you reach an impasse, you have to ask yourself “is this worth creating conflict in my marriage?” Sometimes the answer is yes. But most of the time? It’s no.

So I don’t think of it as being about compromise. The compromises are the choices I make because I value what my marriage is actually about — loving and supporting each other, building a life together, raisin a child together, taking care of each other.

OP here. The problem comes in when it is almost always the same person backing down/giving in. And the other person not even acknowledging or realizing that, and denying it when it’s pointed out. I’m just so tired.

That’s not compromise. That’s one person always getting their own way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think our issues can be compromised on. It’s either “keep some kind of routine, and maybe should have started doing that 5 years ago.” Or “flop back and forth for years between being lazy, having fun, doing some work, getting mad at each other, panicking about life-deadlines and chaos because we DIDn’t set our kids up with any routine, wondering what happened to our time, or why your spouse is mad.”

Basically DH can’t keep to routines for the kids sake. And, now we’re fighting uphill to set up some things in our house, like summertime and kids helping with cleaning, and doing less screens. We still try to implement those things, but we have no method besides just telling them.

In addition, DH feels like I can’t lead. And it’s true. The kids tune me out, my voice is quieter and more stressed out all the time.

So DH leads the way, but he doesn’t use my ideas. Fine, I get that he has skills that he can use. But, I’m the one who reads about parenting often, and who has kept up with a huge variety of ideas on communication, problem-solving. His way isn’t wrong, it’s his way. It’s just that my way is sometimes backed up by several, several writers and family researchers.

Discipline is not about having a strong or loud voice. Your kids tune you out because let them, not because they can't hear you.

It takes a long time to get to a spot where kids do their chores without being reminded. Figure out what you want your kids to do, tell them what you want, and be clear about consequences. Then stand firm. If you want your kids to empty the dishwasher every day, then x doesn't happen until the dishwasher is empty. It doesn't take a strong voice. It takes discipline on your part and a willingness to impose consequences that kids find unpleasant.

Try taking a parenting class together. I like Parent Encouragement Program. When you are in a class together and someone else is telling you what to do, you can discuss and be allies instead of opponents.

pepparent.org

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think our issues can be compromised on. It’s either “keep some kind of routine, and maybe should have started doing that 5 years ago.” Or “flop back and forth for years between being lazy, having fun, doing some work, getting mad at each other, panicking about life-deadlines and chaos because we DIDn’t set our kids up with any routine, wondering what happened to our time, or why your spouse is mad.”

Basically DH can’t keep to routines for the kids sake. And, now we’re fighting uphill to set up some things in our house, like summertime and kids helping with cleaning, and doing less screens. We still try to implement those things, but we have no method besides just telling them.

In addition, DH feels like I can’t lead. And it’s true. The kids tune me out, my voice is quieter and more stressed out all the time.

So DH leads the way, but he doesn’t use my ideas. Fine, I get that he has skills that he can use. But, I’m the one who reads about parenting often, and who has kept up with a huge variety of ideas on communication, problem-solving. His way isn’t wrong, it’s his way. It’s just that my way is sometimes backed up by several, several writers and family researchers.

Discipline is not about having a strong or loud voice. Your kids tune you out because let them, not because they can't hear you.

It takes a long time to get to a spot where kids do their chores without being reminded. Figure out what you want your kids to do, tell them what you want, and be clear about consequences. Then stand firm. If you want your kids to empty the dishwasher every day, then x doesn't happen until the dishwasher is empty. It doesn't take a strong voice. It takes discipline on your part and a willingness to impose consequences that kids find unpleasant.

Anonymous wrote:It is about compromise. Usually the woman who has to compromise.

Not really. Women get insufferable by middle age and compromise an almost nothing.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think our issues can be compromised on. It’s either “keep some kind of routine, and maybe should have started doing that 5 years ago.” Or “flop back and forth for years between being lazy, having fun, doing some work, getting mad at each other, panicking about life-deadlines and chaos because we DIDn’t set our kids up with any routine, wondering what happened to our time, or why your spouse is mad.”

Basically DH can’t keep to routines for the kids sake. And, now we’re fighting uphill to set up some things in our house, like summertime and kids helping with cleaning, and doing less screens. We still try to implement those things, but we have no method besides just telling them.

In addition, DH feels like I can’t lead. And it’s true. The kids tune me out, my voice is quieter and more stressed out all the time.

So DH leads the way, but he doesn’t use my ideas. Fine, I get that he has skills that he can use. But, I’m the one who reads about parenting often, and who has kept up with a huge variety of ideas on communication, problem-solving. His way isn’t wrong, it’s his way. It’s just that my way is sometimes backed up by several, several writers and family researchers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you marry the right person you don't even need to compromise. My wife I agree on everything. Like literally everything

No my friend. She doesn’t agree with you about everything. She’s “compromising”.

How can that be true when she says her opinion first most of the time! lol

I don’t think our issues can be compromised on. It’s either “keep some kind of routine, and maybe should have started doing that 5 years ago.” Or “flop back and forth for years between being lazy, having fun, doing some work, getting mad at each other, panicking about life-deadlines and chaos because we DIDn’t set our kids up with any routine, wondering what happened to our time, or why your spouse is mad.”

I gave in so much. Finally divorcing after almost 30 years.

I was always the compromiser. I gave up significant things at a great cost and now exDH gave up nothing.

Men and culture more generally tell women to compromise but never compromise back. If we don’t compromise then we are labelled some version of “not nice”.

You are a team. Often the needs of the team mean a member does not get what they want but the team should benifit. If you no longer want to help the team or put you first, you should get out.

Almost no one gets what they want most of the time.

This is not a simple question. There are many ways a marriage can be out of balance. I’m a peacemaker so l just did whatever was easiest at the time to keep the peace, but that was a mistake, it’s better to tackle the hard stuff from the beginning and not let the resentment build up.

Anonymous wrote:But how much? Sometimes it feels like to much.

Depends. How much do each of you give?

If you stay in your MBR all day, and spouse is barely employed - I'd say there is a problem with the both of you.

Since you asked.

I was told this by many people so I compromised, or I thought I did.
Turned out I was allowing myself to be walked over. The pattern in the marriage was set and there was no undoing all the "compromises" (expensive hoarding, financial secretiveness, etc..).
I was trying to be on the team, but there was no actual team.

When I feel this way I try to think of our marriage as a whole; not just the week, month, or even year we are currently in. There have been phases where I have compromised more and worked harder but the same can be said about DH at different times.

We are in the thick of it with young kids and I do pull more weight right now but it hasn’t always been this way and I don’t think it always will be. If we intend to be married 60+yrs there will be ebbs and flows and it won’t always be fair 100% of the time.

If, though, you can look at your past, present, and your expectation of the future and see a pattern of one person very consistently compromising and their partner routinely dismissing their partners needs, this is something to consider. You may need to assert your needs more often or stop compromising quite so much if you’ve become a doormat. At the very least, it would be worth a serious conversation about actionable items that could be done to make the marriage more equitable.