Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 11:26     Subject: Re:Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP if this seems like a burden to you, you might be stretched too thin. Nobody has a perfect family. A well-meaning, perhaps bored aunt who sends too many gift texts is not high on the list of problems that come with being in a family. This should be mildly annoying but very manageable. If it feels like you can’t deal, you may be too busy.


Said somebody who does not understand the way dysfunctional people operate. Most likely the aunts behavior is a SYMPTOM of a whole lot of crazy. If you understand how dysfunction works you understand the little thing is often just another example a large gaping issue like the person is....controlling or manipulative or dramatic and for whatever reason it's the annoying barrage of texts that sends us into frustration when really it's a sign of a person who is just a jerk. Gifts are the PERFECT way to let out one's crazy and be passive aggressive, because it's a giiiiiiift, everyone should be gracious and kind about gifts? How could someone who gives gifts be anything but generous?


This is my MIL. She is controlling and passive aggressive about everything. She will not ever get a person the specific thing they want. She must find a thing that is of her choosing and BETTER (according to her) than what the recipient wants. But her version of better is always something awful from JC Penney. Example - she harasses me about getting me a sweater. I send options from Target, J Crew Factory etc (so nothing expensive). I receive a sweater from JC Penney. Recent example: I sent this link - https://factory.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/sweaters/pullovers/cable-crewneck-sweater/BG834?display=standard&fit=Classic&color_name=chrome-green&colorProductCode=BG834

and received this item - https://www.jcpenney.com/p/alfred-dunner-peachy-keen-womens-round-neck-embellished-3-4-sleeve-striped-pullover-sweater/ppr5008137980?pTmplType=regular&deptId=dept20000013&catId=cat100210006&urlState=%2Fg%2Fwomen%2Ftops%3Fitem_type%3Dpullover%2Bsweaters%26id%3Dcat100210006&page=2&productGridView=medium&badge=petite

She told me that she wanted to get me something more exciting. Straight to the donate pile. When I don't wear the hideous items she gifts to me, there are lots of sad faces and moping around about how no one appreciates how much she cares about everyone.


Yuo. It is no longer a gift. It's just an opportunity to be a jerk, but nobody can complain because what kind of awful person complains about a gift? We have a relative who knows everyone donates her gifts so she even says "If you don't like, give it to Larla. She appreciates everything." Uh no, Larla does not want it. Larla has told you to STAHP giving her things and now you are trying to force strange interactions where we go to Larla who then tells us to keep the crap.

I think we really as a society need to reevaluate what is truly "gift giving. True kindness and compassion re gifts. If you must give material stuff at least don't give landfill clutter. Also, is it a gift if children working crazy hours for almost no pay slaved away to make it? People will love you if you are a good person. The gift is not going to make a family decide if they like or not, unless if you continuously use gifts to be a manipulative nut.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 10:56     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:I keep a running amazon wish list when I think of things my kids would like. It's primarily for me so I don't forget stuff, but then if someone (usually my MiL) asks I can send them the link for ideas.

If she starts asking for more details I would just refer her back to the list.

Or just stop spending time and energy on it. You don't have to respond to every text right away. You don't have to research and provide options for every suggestion. Let her do her spinning without your effort--and she'll likely end up in the same place. Change your conversation above to:

Monday:
Her: DC2’s birthday is coming up! Any gift ideas?
Me: She just learned to ride a bike, so a bell or a basket for her bike would be great. Or maybe a small soccer ball to kick around the yard. Here's an amazon wishlist I keep for her.
Her: OK! I’m looking into both of those ideas. What color is her bike? What are her favorite colors? What size soccer ball would be right for her? Would she play with a basketball? If so what size?
Me: All those details are on her wishlist.

Tuesday:
Her: I was looking into gifts for DC2. I’m thinking about going in a different direction. What do you think of roller skates?
<just ignore this for now>

A few hours later:
Her: I was looking at the roller skates and I’m not sure what kind of socks she would wear with them.
<ignore this one for now too>

A few hours later:
Her: The roller skates seem to complicated with all the accessories. Any other ideas?
Me: There's lots of ideas on the amazon wishlist I sent earlier. Those are all things she really wants right now.
I like this idea.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 10:52     Subject: Re:Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP if this seems like a burden to you, you might be stretched too thin. Nobody has a perfect family. A well-meaning, perhaps bored aunt who sends too many gift texts is not high on the list of problems that come with being in a family. This should be mildly annoying but very manageable. If it feels like you can’t deal, you may be too busy.


Said somebody who does not understand the way dysfunctional people operate. Most likely the aunts behavior is a SYMPTOM of a whole lot of crazy. If you understand how dysfunction works you understand the little thing is often just another example a large gaping issue like the person is....controlling or manipulative or dramatic and for whatever reason it's the annoying barrage of texts that sends us into frustration when really it's a sign of a person who is just a jerk. Gifts are the PERFECT way to let out one's crazy and be passive aggressive, because it's a giiiiiiift, everyone should be gracious and kind about gifts? How could someone who gives gifts be anything but generous?


This is my MIL. She is controlling and passive aggressive about everything. She will not ever get a person the specific thing they want. She must find a thing that is of her choosing and BETTER (according to her) than what the recipient wants. But her version of better is always something awful from JC Penney. Example - she harasses me about getting me a sweater. I send options from Target, J Crew Factory etc (so nothing expensive). I receive a sweater from JC Penney. Recent example: I sent this link - https://factory.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/sweaters/pullovers/cable-crewneck-sweater/BG834?display=standard&fit=Classic&color_name=chrome-green&colorProductCode=BG834

and received this item - https://www.jcpenney.com/p/alfred-dunner-peachy-keen-womens-round-neck-embellished-3-4-sleeve-striped-pullover-sweater/ppr5008137980?pTmplType=regular&deptId=dept20000013&catId=cat100210006&urlState=%2Fg%2Fwomen%2Ftops%3Fitem_type%3Dpullover%2Bsweaters%26id%3Dcat100210006&page=2&productGridView=medium&badge=petite

She told me that she wanted to get me something more exciting. Straight to the donate pile. When I don't wear the hideous items she gifts to me, there are lots of sad faces and moping around about how no one appreciates how much she cares about everyone.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 10:06     Subject: Re:Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:OP if this seems like a burden to you, you might be stretched too thin. Nobody has a perfect family. A well-meaning, perhaps bored aunt who sends too many gift texts is not high on the list of problems that come with being in a family. This should be mildly annoying but very manageable. If it feels like you can’t deal, you may be too busy.


Said somebody who does not understand the way dysfunctional people operate. Most likely the aunts behavior is a SYMPTOM of a whole lot of crazy. If you understand how dysfunction works you understand the little thing is often just another example a large gaping issue like the person is....controlling or manipulative or dramatic and for whatever reason it's the annoying barrage of texts that sends us into frustration when really it's a sign of a person who is just a jerk. Gifts are the PERFECT way to let out one's crazy and be passive aggressive, because it's a giiiiiiift, everyone should be gracious and kind about gifts? How could someone who gives gifts be anything but generous?
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 10:02     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
I always respond with "a fun board game". If we already have it, it goes to the regift/birthday gift shelf. If we don't have it, it's something we can play when said relative comes to visit.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 09:44     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
My mother does this also. I just leave a lag time before responding, to the point that she has changed her mind several times before I respond. If it’s a weekday, I respond and say “haven’t had time to look at this but will try this weekend!”
If you leave 2-3 days before responding they will find someone else to provide the attention. It’s a feedback loop, they just want a person to chat with them. If you don’t have time, disengage.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 09:36     Subject: Re:Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:OP if this seems like a burden to you, you might be stretched too thin. Nobody has a perfect family. A well-meaning, perhaps bored aunt who sends too many gift texts is not high on the list of problems that come with being in a family. This should be mildly annoying but very manageable. If it feels like you can’t deal, you may be too busy.


Sometimes "close" relatives believe it is their right and responsibility to exceed boundaries from children's gifts to event planning like birthday parties, showers, and weddings. Time and energy sucking demands that do not stop. Same people start up. It's not boredom.

From experience, I doubt the OP aunt just began intruding for kid gifts. What do we, as older relatives give non DC or DIL-son inlaw-GC as gifts? Showers? No dialogue or debate just e gift cards from Amazon. When one nephew got married they had a registry with a cash gift fund- could send $ on line. I got grief from relatives for doing it since it wasn't as personal as a check. Meanwhile the couple appreciated the gift and the convenience of getting the $ the way they set it up. Less than 2 minutes for me to do the transaction did give me 2 hours cumulative of nag.



Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 07:13     Subject: Re:Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
OP if this seems like a burden to you, you might be stretched too thin. Nobody has a perfect family. A well-meaning, perhaps bored aunt who sends too many gift texts is not high on the list of problems that come with being in a family. This should be mildly annoying but very manageable. If it feels like you can’t deal, you may be too busy.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 07:10     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
If you do the Amazon gift list, don't be surprised if to your face or behind your back they yap on about how tacky it is and also don't be surprised if they ignore it and still give junk you can't even donate. Some people need to be as annoying as possible in their determination to be oh so "generous" giving a "gift." They are also often highly offended by "No gift please, the gift is seeing you!"
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2022 05:59     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Haha this sounds so annoying! you're feeding into it too much, though. Boundaries! Respond once or twice then drop the rope. Or just say, "Dont worry about it. Enough. I have no more ideas"
Anonymous
Post 05/14/2022 13:56     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:I think the only option here is an amazon wish list. Direct her to it and stop responding to related texts after you do so. That sounds so annoying!


Yes.
Anonymous
Post 05/14/2022 13:55     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
NP but with people like this, wishlists don't work. I just stopped responding to DH's crazy aunt.
Anonymous
Post 05/14/2022 12:03     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Stop engaging the back ad forth.

Send 3 ideas.

“I sent you my 3 best ideas; that’s all I’ve got!”

Then ignore further inquiries.


This.


Yes, all of this, plus the referral to the Amazon wishlist. And I’d add a final: “I’m sure whatever you pick will be great.” My guess is that she’s feeling unsure and needs a little boost of assurance.
Anonymous
Post 05/14/2022 11:46     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
Anonymous wrote:Stop engaging the back ad forth.

Send 3 ideas.

“I sent you my 3 best ideas; that’s all I’ve got!”

Then ignore further inquiries.


This.
Anonymous
Post 05/14/2022 11:41     Subject: Requests for gift ideas making me nuts
I used to get sucked into this with relatives who are not nice people and tend to be manipulative. In my case the nice ones might ask once and then they just followed what i said or understood we really do value your company and there is NO GIFT needed.

With the manipulative ones I just insisted no gifts. I might engage in the back and forth once and give suggestions and then I stopped. I filed the email away in separate folder. Always, always they did whatever they wanted so there was no point. These were the same ones where no thank you is enough so if a verbal thank you or note was not enough and they needed detained descriptions of why it was amazing and photos of kids with gifts, I also stopped responding and stopped feeling guilty. Life is too short and a gift is not supposed to be a string that is annoys you.