Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband cheated I would not say anything. I’m very happily married and would like to stay that way.

Whaaaat?!

+1

When women think this, it is usually because of money. Oldest profession.

no that's putting all women into one tiny box, like a misogynist would do, shame on you pp, shame.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband cheated I would not say anything. I’m very happily married and would like to stay that way.

Whaaaat?!

+1

When women think this, it is usually because of money. Oldest profession.

I've read plenty of posts by people, usually women, who are paralyzed and afraid to confront because they are worried they'll lose the marriage. It can become an obsession to monitor the affair secretly for signs that the spouse prefers you or the OW -- definitely a tragic and useless way to deal with it.

But this post should really be titled: Why would someone choose not to confront a cheating soon-to-be-ex spouse? and the answer is right there in the title. In this case, there's obviously no fear of losing a marriage that's already ending. So the betrayed spouse may weigh the pros and cons and decide that confrontation isn't worth the drama . . . how exactly would it help?

At some point you just have to cut your losses. Cheating probably is that point for most people.

Anonymous wrote:The guy probably knows there would be no point and he didn’t want to save the marriage anyway. My Ex-H cheated with his admin assistant (so unique and special!) and I did confront him, but he lied about it and gaslit me for a solid year of therapy. I had trust issues. I wasn’t a good mom. I spent too much time in the office. I didn’t spend enough time in the office. He couldn’t be in a marriage where his spouse didn’t trust him. I was an idiot for trusting him. He literally drive me insane.

Looking back, I could have predicted that would be how he handled things. Wish I had just skipped that year and gone straight to divorce.

+1. My spouse responded to me telling him I knew he was cheating by begging me to stay in the relationship. (We had 2 kids.) I literally said to him that I was only willing to be in a monogamous relationship and that he had to go to therapy, truthfully disclose, etc. - and please don’t ask for this chance if you can’t do that, I don’t want to be 2 years down the road in the same position.

Guess what happened?

Really skipping it all - confrontation, couples therapy, etc. would have been better.

My husband's ex cheated. It was at a time when men generally didn't get custody and very limited visitation at best. He didn't care about losing her, but cared about losing the kids. In the end she left with her AP, got a good alimony/life long retirement from his pension and turned the kids against him to think he cheated/destroyed the marriage and never took any responsibility. He would have stayed for the kids.

The guy probably knows there would be no point and he didn’t want to save the marriage anyway. My Ex-H cheated with his admin assistant (so unique and special!) and I did confront him, but he lied about it and gaslit me for a solid year of therapy. I had trust issues. I wasn’t a good mom. I spent too much time in the office. I didn’t spend enough time in the office. He couldn’t be in a marriage where his spouse didn’t trust him. I was an idiot for trusting him. He literally drive me insane.

Looking back, I could have predicted that would be how he handled things. Wish I had just skipped that year and gone straight to divorce.

It would be a mark to me that he was also deceptive. You don't need to make drama to acknowledge to someone that you don't approve of cheating and if you are embarrassed your wife cheated then you have personal issues you haven't dealt with yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another angle: he was embarrassed by this and letting his ex know would have given her satisfaction.

Unfortunately there is merit to this. I know two men who were cheated on (women may feel the same way--I have no idea) and both said that they were "embarrassed that they couldn't satisfy their wives."

Maybe they were just a couple of sluts.

Because they don't care anymore. Because they already planned to leave. Because they hate conflict. Because they know they aren't going to get any kind of closure or satisfaction out of it. Because they're embarrassed or humiliated. Because they don't think it will change anything. Because they can't/don't want to leave, and so don't want to risk blowing things up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another angle: he was embarrassed by this and letting his ex know would have given her satisfaction.

Unfortunately there is merit to this. I know two men who were cheated on (women may feel the same way--I have no idea) and both said that they were "embarrassed that they couldn't satisfy their wives."

Then he probably wouldn't be telling OP.