I would be happy they are even discussing this with you frankly. My parents have millions and I have NO IDEA what they plan to do with it. I'm just assuming they donate it all to charity but I could plan a lot more efficiently if I knew their intentions.

Anonymous wrote:Let it go.
We have rich relatives who are very generous as well. My kids say thank you - write thank you notes - clear out their old stuff and donate etc.
We talk about how fortunate they are and how the relatives are self made - and how the relatives lived before they were successful.
They know it is generous to get a sweatshirt that costs $175 (my 14 YO just got an "Aviator" brand as a birthday gift) and that this is not something that we could do. We also talk about what that amount of money could do for others so they understand what we value.
My oldest is in 10th grade and we sat down to talk about college and how we have saved and made choices to support him so that he will not need to consider finances when deciding what the right school is for him.
Next year he will get a car. He proposed a used Honda as an option.

I don't think you get this situation. We aren't talking about a car or an expensive shirt. They will inherit millions...as in- won't have to work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you but it their money and their choice. There is nothing you can do. You can talk to your children and see if they will agree to a plan that they do not get money until they are 25.

Who would agree to that?

I did. My grandparents set up a UTMA account for my siblings and me when I was little, and at 18 it would have become mine. But my dad said “either you can sign this document letting me control this money until you are 31 and your mother and I will continue to add the tax allowed 30k every year, or you get it now and that’s it”. So I signed it, happily. My parents paid for college and grad school and I got a job after grad school and could easily support myself. When I bought my first house at 28, my dad gave me a loan against the UTMA, which I paid back when I got the money 3 years later.

Why age 31? It seems random. Did he figure you’d be married with kids by then and would pass the money onto them rather than (in his opinion) spend it frivolously in your 20s?

Yes. I think my dad figured that by 31, I’d either be settled and responsible or…not and it probably wouldn’t matter whether you had the money or not. Il

Just read your update, OP, and agree that you have every reason to be concerned. Your ILs sound pushy and have poor boundaries. They’re trying to undermine your parenting. With your son’s struggles, I appreciate how hard it can be to teach to delay gratification, and your ILs are trying to sabotage your efforts. Someone else mentioned your ILs using money to manipulate and control. I totally agree. Some serious boundaries need to be put in place. Maybe even distancing the relationship, but your DH has to be on board. I’m sorry you are in this situation. As far as the trust goes, could hearing from an experienced trust attorney and child psychologist/psychiatrist be helpful for your ILs to delay the trust until 25-30, considering your son’s diagnosis?

If it were my parents I'd threaten to cut off my parents if they didn't change the will to postpone giving my kids the money, but I would not suggest this to DH.

Anonymous wrote:How is your will structured if you and DH die? When will your kids directly get your money? Maybe your DH could use that as an example when he talks to his parents and he can say your financial advisor suggested it. My will doesn't let my kids have the money directly until 28 before that it can only be used for education or a down payment. I have seen a lot of people lose motivation due to too much financial subsidies in your 20s.

They’d have trusts to be used for various purposes at different ages and then just become theirs to do what they want with at 40

Op here - my worry is that we don’t know who they will be at 18 or what they will be able to handle. I partied a little too much when I first went to college and then got my act together when I realized I needed the grades to get a good job. And examples like that are minor. I have 3 - who knows if one will struggle with drugs or drinking, with mental health issues that could be made worse with no purpose, with motivation issues etc etc. Millions of dollars in cash with no carrots or sticks tied to it will make any of these problems worse and I’m not delusional to think I can somehow parent so perfectly that I will raise 3 perfect kids with no struggles in the transition to adulthood

DH and I also made a lot of money and their college, first cars and other needs will be met. They’re already starting adulthood on 3rd base but yes I want to make sure they’re motivated to see run home (bad analogy but you get the gist)

And yes they are mad at us because we pushed back when they tried to move on our street, because we won’t let the 4yo stay with them the full summer, bc I get annoyed when they give the 4yo hundreds of dollars in cash telling him he doesn’t “have to do chores for quarters at home anymore because he can now buy anything he wants”. The 4yo has adhd and a sensory processing disorder that causes behavioral problems, with the guidance of a neuropsych we have him in an evidence based program that involves earning toys and other rewards, so yes I push back at the 2x a month of average “surprise” presents they try to send him, and yes I push back on my fil telling my kids things like “you can have secrets with grandpa - we can have special things just between you and me” for many many reasons. They’re wild

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you but it their money and their choice. There is nothing you can do. You can talk to your children and see if they will agree to a plan that they do not get money until they are 25.

Who would agree to that?

I did. My grandparents set up a UTMA account for my siblings and me when I was little, and at 18 it would have become mine. But my dad said “either you can sign this document letting me control this money until you are 31 and your mother and I will continue to add the tax allowed 30k every year, or you get it now and that’s it”. So I signed it, happily. My parents paid for college and grad school and I got a job after grad school and could easily support myself. When I bought my first house at 28, my dad gave me a loan against the UTMA, which I paid back when I got the money 3 years later.

Why age 31? It seems random. Did he figure you’d be married with kids by then and would pass the money onto them rather than (in his opinion) spend it frivolously in your 20s?

How is your will structured if you and DH die? When will your kids directly get your money? Maybe your DH could use that as an example when he talks to his parents and he can say your financial advisor suggested it. My will doesn't let my kids have the money directly until 28 before that it can only be used for education or a down payment. I have seen a lot of people lose motivation due to too much financial subsidies in your 20s.

Anonymous wrote:All these people says bc it’s fine - you would handle over millions to your 18yo if you had it to spare? Versus waiting until they were older?

It's not ideal, but people are saying that OP doesn't have much control in this situation, unless she can play it like 16:13 and her father, who both made an excellent choice!

Let it go.
We have rich relatives who are very generous as well. My kids say thank you - write thank you notes - clear out their old stuff and donate etc.
We talk about how fortunate they are and how the relatives are self made - and how the relatives lived before they were successful.
They know it is generous to get a sweatshirt that costs $175 (my 14 YO just got an "Aviator" brand as a birthday gift) and that this is not something that we could do. We also talk about what that amount of money could do for others so they understand what we value.
My oldest is in 10th grade and we sat down to talk about college and how we have saved and made choices to support him so that he will not need to consider finances when deciding what the right school is for him.
Next year he will get a car. He proposed a used Honda as an option.

It's your husband that has the control most likely here. He needs to step up, ask to qualify gifts at 18 to college tuition and board, maybe fun money until they graduate college and or grad school, start a business, etc., otherwise, they will not bother to continue to strive for anything- college or whatever. Frankly, I wouldn't have at 18, either. They will not have the tools to utilize this money for any good use, to invest well, to develop any kind of work ethic. He can ask his parents not to ruin his kid's lives. Another gift can then be bestowed at 30, then at 40, etc. It can go to a house or wahtever. That would be generous and make sense. At 18? A recipe for disaster which, yes, may very well contribute to the end of their lives especially if they end up doing something with the money that involves drugs or gambling. We don't know their personalities, but I have not met many 18 years olds, even very mature ones, that would be able to employ a free ride in life at the get go. This is a time when they are determining who they are, what they want and why, and with whom. These years set the template for their entire lives- even the mistakes and missteps are valuable. Having everything they need without ever acquiring it themselves is not love. They will be actually undoing your inlaws legacy of how THEY became successful. It will end here..even if your kids are terrific. They can be the beneficiaries of other things, maybe [?] that other people don't get- cars, even a condo perhaps, but not ready income without life first. You are not wrong here...get your husband on board.

The parents are very angry at the both of you and they think they can circumvent your parenting with this gift, which leaves you out- right when you could use this money. I am curious about that. This says a lot about these people. People use money to manipulate and are very narcissistic. They did a lot of HW to see how to stick to you both and will instead be harming these kids. Sympathies, OP. Maybe try to negotiate a truce for things they can do now that you have declined- camp fees, clothes, things they want to buy the kids as a way to prevent this later just to assauge them. Yes, it is first world problem, but it will end up being a deadly problem later.

All these people says bc it’s fine - you would handle over millions to your 18yo if you had it to spare? Versus waiting until they were older?

Even the best kids are still not fully mature at 18. I would insist they make the age 25 minimum.

Their brains aren't even fully developed at 18.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you but it their money and their choice. There is nothing you can do. You can talk to your children and see if they will agree to a plan that they do not get money until they are 25.

Who would agree to that?

I did. My grandparents set up a UTMA account for my siblings and me when I was little, and at 18 it would have become mine. But my dad said “either you can sign this document letting me control this money until you are 31 and your mother and I will continue to add the tax allowed 30k every year, or you get it now and that’s it”. So I signed it, happily. My parents paid for college and grad school and I got a job after grad school and could easily support myself. When I bought my first house at 28, my dad gave me a loan against the UTMA, which I paid back when I got the money 3 years later.