Anonymous wrote:Oh the irony. You’re just another smothering/manipulative/enabling woman in his life!

I agree. A grown man does not need guidance from his wife about his family relationships.

Just let your DH handle it.

Unless mom is quite wealthy, I would assume she'd probably want the $10K back at some point, probably in the form of caring for her in her old age. There will undoubtedly be strings attached to this "gift" Just have him tell her "Mom, it means the world to me that you want to give me such an extravagant gift. Thank you. But please don't. It would make me much happier if you would save that money for your own retirement as you grow older.

This avoids the stringy gift and sends the message that her son cannot be her retirement and old age care plan. That's what she's angling for.

I don’t understand why he can’t take the gift, and then just ignore when his mother tries to manipulate him.

I mean, even if after they are said - “I paid $10k for your dream trip to England, and now you won’t give me $10k to pay for my cancer treatment”, you could just tel them you really appreciated the gift but you don’t have the funds to pay/time to give/whatever.

Taking the gift doesn’t mean you “owe” them anything other than a thank-you and the same courteous behavior you would give anyone who gave you a nice gift.

Anonymous wrote:Take the gift and spend it on something non returnable. When she later tries to hold it over his head he can just ignore. Gifts with strings only work if you hold onto the strings.

For the other women, do not let the flock of hen peckers back in.

OP said the gift is something on which he has to give input, indicating it's not a straight-out cash gift. So he can't necessarily take it and spend it as he pleases. OP, he needs to decline firmly -- Mom, I want to be clear, I am saying no to this gift, but I'd like to go to X with you.

He should have an alternative gift he can tell her to get him. Tell her, not ask her.

He also should be prepared for her to do something totally manipulative like simply get him this very expensive gift without any further consultation and even if he has said no. She may just go ahead and get it or something else hugely expensive and drop her pretense of consulting him. OP, he needs to be ready if that happens: Will he tell her, Mom, I did tell you no to the gift clearly, and I can't accept it? Can he do that or will he cave to keep the peace?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bigger problem is: "He keeps coming to you"

He shouldn't need this much hand holding

From you or his mother.

+1

He wants OP to tell him it is ok for him to accept the money. He would have accepted the money by now if he thought OP would be 'ok' with him doing so. He's just swapped out OP for his mom, and now is seeking OP's permission and approval to do/have something he wants from both women.

JFC. So both you PPs can read this man's mind and diagnose him and read his motivations, all based on OP's post? You are magical indeed.

You married a man-baby

Take the gift and spend it on something non returnable. When she later tries to hold it over his head he can just ignore. Gifts with strings only work if you hold onto the strings.

For the other women, do not let the flock of hen peckers back in.

“If you want to take the gift, take the gift. But when she inevitably holds this against you in the future, I don’t want to hear a word about it. I don’t want to discuss this anymore. This is your family and your decision.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, you keep bringing up this extravagant gift and I keep saying no. All I want for my milestone birthday is for us to have a healthy relationship that maintains the boundaries we’ve discussed since things got difficult a few months ago. By continuing to push this gift, you are making me feel uncomfortable as it seems you haven’t heard me. Please don’t bring it up again. But I’d love to celebrate with you. How about dinner on the 16th?”

Too verbose (no offense). My mother is cray so I deal with this all the time. The less you say the better.

“Like I’ve said, I don’t want that gift. How about dinner on the 16th?”

If she wants to discuss it further…

“I’m not going to discuss it further. How about dinner?”

+1

Brilliant example of boundaries!

Anonymous wrote:The bigger problem is: "He keeps coming to you"

He shouldn't need this much hand holding

From you or his mother.

+1

He wants OP to tell him it is ok for him to accept the money. He would have accepted the money by now if he thought OP would be 'ok' with him doing so. He's just swapped out OP for his mom, and now is seeking OP's permission and approval to do/have something he wants from both women.

Oh the irony. You’re just another smothering/manipulative/enabling woman in his life!