Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife has to stay out of sight of the younger child. Could the nanny take the kids out of the house for small portions of the day? 20 months is still within the real of normal. I don’t think you can convince your wife to wean until she and baby are both ready.

And my daughter knows where my wife’s office is and tells us she’s going to Mommy for breast. You cannot distract her and she cries and calls for Mommy u til Mommy let’s her in.

My pediatrician told me, when I asked how long would be too long to nurse, "when the kid can ask for it, they are too old". Sounds like you are there. It's becoming a problem. How are her teeth?

Sounds like your ped has some internalized issues. So a kid that talks at 12 months vs 22 months? One would need to be weaned at 12 vs 22. Or how about the old- when they get teeth? So a kid gets teeth at 6 months vs 14months? One kid has to wean at 6 months.

How do you respect your pediatricians with this idiotic, obviously personal preference and not medically based, advice?

Relax, if a pediatrician said this, it was 1990.

She wants her mommy and undivided attention. Guaranteed if there was breast milk in a cup it wouldn't suffice. Mom must like the dynamic at least on some level, otherwise she would end it. You need to advocate for yourself and everyone else. Enduring crying like that is stressful. This is about your daughter wanting specific comfort. Replace it with something better (maybe a super cozy little tent or something with stuffies, special lights, books) or teach parameters.

OP, it’s ok for your toddler to cry. I know it sounds heartbreaking, but if you keep on you will end up with a very spoiled child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife has to stay out of sight of the younger child. Could the nanny take the kids out of the house for small portions of the day? 20 months is still within the real of normal. I don’t think you can convince your wife to wean until she and baby are both ready.

And my daughter knows where my wife’s office is and tells us she’s going to Mommy for breast. You cannot distract her and she cries and calls for Mommy u til Mommy let’s her in.

My pediatrician told me, when I asked how long would be too long to nurse, "when the kid can ask for it, they are too old". Sounds like you are there. It's becoming a problem. How are her teeth?

Sounds like your ped has some internalized issues. So a kid that talks at 12 months vs 22 months? One would need to be weaned at 12 vs 22. Or how about the old- when they get teeth? So a kid gets teeth at 6 months vs 14months? One kid has to wean at 6 months.

How do you respect your pediatricians with this idiotic, obviously personal preference and not medically based, advice?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could talk to the pediatrician. He might have advice on weaning. It sounds like nobody’s happy with the current arrangement. I have absolutely no expertise, but I wonder if maybe she’s not getting enough nutrition anymore from nursing and might do better on solids. If nothing else, he might be able to provide reassurance that your daughter will be okay if she isn’t immediately breastfed upon request.

WTF really? Please dont feign this as an arguement.

OP- if it were a lovey that she couldnt sleep without or sit on the couch without would you have the same response? Or a paci?

Nursing is comforting to children and it goes in ebbs and flows. The more hysterical she gets and the more you try to take it away and then let her nurse is making it anxiety provoking. If your wife is okay with it what does it matter? Do you care because she wants it or because she cries when hse cant get it?

Yes. My only issue is that my daughter sobs when she’s denied breastfeeding with gulping breaths and flowing tears. Even if she has to wait one minute.

She doesn’t use a pacifier. Never has.

Ok so you are daft. My point was that for most kids a lovey or pacifier would be what they want and scream about. Your daughter doesnt need a pacifier (which is basically a plastic nipple) because she has mom.

What does your wife think about all this? I wouldn't to right to "ask her to stop" but I would definitely open the conversation. See how she feels about it. It's possible that she wants to continue to breastfeed, but feels pressure from you and/or the nanny and/or society to stop, which would be very different than if she wants to stop, but then feels guilty in the moment with your daughter screaming a crying.

If it's the former, and she wants to continue, then it becomes a discussion of how long, and how to make things more manageable for everyone. And I think it's reasonable in this discussion, to point out that you think it might be better for your family for her to wean. But you really, really want to listen here and get to the bottom of how she's feeling and what she wants, and then you can combine that with what you want, and what's working, and what's not to come up with a plan. This will be more difficult, I think.

The easier option is if she wants to stop but feels guilty in the moment. Because then, you can offer to help her! And this is just a logistical/discipline problem. I think if that's the case, you agree on a plan (does she want a slow wean, or to just end everything, or what). For example, you guys could decide that for now, nursing is only morning, pre-nap, and at bedtime. Then, your wife works from a coffee shop for a week or two and only comes home for the pre-nap nurse, until the habit is established.

But all of this starts with a conversation with your wife about how she feels.

How many times a day?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife has to stay out of sight of the younger child. Could the nanny take the kids out of the house for small portions of the day? 20 months is still within the real of normal. I don’t think you can convince your wife to wean until she and baby are both ready.

And my daughter knows where my wife’s office is and tells us she’s going to Mommy for breast. You cannot distract her and she cries and calls for Mommy u til Mommy let’s her in.

My pediatrician told me, when I asked how long would be too long to nurse, "when the kid can ask for it, they are too old". Sounds like you are there. It's becoming a problem. How are her teeth?

Anonymous wrote:I assume your baby is on solid food so this isn’t about nutrition. Who is not happy with the nursing—you or your wife?

A 20 month old is NOT a baby….

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve stayed out of my wife’s decision to keep breastfeeding our daughter whenever she wants but it’s now becoming a problem. My wife and I both work from home (with a nanny) so I can hear my daughter crying for “best” [breast]. It’s the only time she cries all day long. If my wife can’t take her immediately, my daughter sons like she’s been rejected. My wife can’t sit for one minute with my daughter without nursing. My older child, 3.5, resents it and our nanny is getting tired of it. My wife has tried to only nurse at certain times but just gives in and nurses whenever my daughter wants to.

Can I ask her to stop? I know it’s supposedly a horrible thing to do but it’s my child too and I hate to see her miserable.

You can insist on boundaries and rules but breastfeeding a 20month old is not in and of itself harmful. The lack of boundaries are.

np The only person who can set the boundaries is the mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could talk to the pediatrician. He might have advice on weaning. It sounds like nobody’s happy with the current arrangement. I have absolutely no expertise, but I wonder if maybe she’s not getting enough nutrition anymore from nursing and might do better on solids. If nothing else, he might be able to provide reassurance that your daughter will be okay if she isn’t immediately breastfed upon request.

WTF really? Please dont feign this as an arguement.

OP- if it were a lovey that she couldnt sleep without or sit on the couch without would you have the same response? Or a paci?

Nursing is comforting to children and it goes in ebbs and flows. The more hysterical she gets and the more you try to take it away and then let her nurse is making it anxiety provoking. If your wife is okay with it what does it matter? Do you care because she wants it or because she cries when hse cant get it?

Yes. My only issue is that my daughter sobs when she’s denied breastfeeding with gulping breaths and flowing tears. Even if she has to wait one minute.

She doesn’t use a pacifier. Never has.

OP, the point is how would you feel if your kid cried with gulping breaths and flowing tears every time her paci was misplaced for a few minutes? At least you can't lose mommy.

I agree with the PP who said you have to model waiting and patience. This isn't unique to breastfeeding and the meltdowns might not be fixed by weaning, they might just be transferred to some object/activity.

Anonymous wrote:I assume your baby is on solid food so this isn’t about nutrition. Who is not happy with the nursing—you or your wife?

It sounds like he’s not happy, the nanny is not happy, the older sibling is unhappy and the child is constantly frustrated. The wife is the only one happy with the current on demand arrangement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could talk to the pediatrician. He might have advice on weaning. It sounds like nobody’s happy with the current arrangement. I have absolutely no expertise, but I wonder if maybe she’s not getting enough nutrition anymore from nursing and might do better on solids. If nothing else, he might be able to provide reassurance that your daughter will be okay if she isn’t immediately breastfed upon request.

WTF really? Please dont feign this as an arguement.

OP- if it were a lovey that she couldnt sleep without or sit on the couch without would you have the same response? Or a paci?

Nursing is comforting to children and it goes in ebbs and flows. The more hysterical she gets and the more you try to take it away and then let her nurse is making it anxiety provoking. If your wife is okay with it what does it matter? Do you care because she wants it or because she cries when hse cant get it?

Yes. My only issue is that my daughter sobs when she’s denied breastfeeding with gulping breaths and flowing tears. Even if she has to wait one minute.

She doesn’t use a pacifier. Never has.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume your baby is on solid food so this isn’t about nutrition. Who is not happy with the nursing—you or your wife?

Me, my older child, and our nanny are all unhappy with my my daughter crying to be breastfed. And that’s the only time she sobs all day.

When this is over she will find something new to sob about so make sure you have reasonable expectations about that.

There is a kids book called “Milkies when the sun shines” or something like that to set boundaries for night weaning.

I would start on a long weekend and just say “best is not available right now” and set boundaries. Personally I nursed at wake up, before nap, and before bed only. When my kid asked I would say “it’s not milky time”.

The kid will be miserable for 2-3 days. My kids were tearful and angry. Your wife may also be tearful and angry as her hormones adjust to BF less. For me it was like post partum depression for 1-2 weeks each time I changed - when I went to work and switched from feeding to pumping, when I dropped night nursing, when I cut pumping sessions and eventually when I weaned. Each time would hit me a few days after the change and last 1-2 weeks.