Anonymous
Post 04/27/2022 09:15     Subject: Re:Husband never admits he's wrong
Anonymous wrote:OP, there's generally too much chatter. You would all benefit from more autonomy -- including your daughter brushing her own hair. Here is how it should have gone down: Daddy hurts when he brushes her hair. She brushes it herself.

Op, generally: couples do not need to fight. People do not need to admit short comings. People aren't "wrong" to the point of needing to apologize. Your examples do not indicate that he his hurting you. Instead, he is sarcastic. It's another form of an eyeroll. It's not respectful and is a slippery slope but frankly it sounds like you nag too much or just generally nit pick.


When you physically hurt someone (the daughter), even if it is unintentional, you apologize. That he can't even apologize to his child speaks volumes about his own maturity.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2022 09:11     Subject: Husband never admits he's wrong
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Fyi for those of you in the "I never make my kids apologize because it's not authentic/genuine" camp--this is the adult you will get. You are forewarned.


BS. Helping kids see and acknowledge kids the impact of their actions is what a parent should do, and that is far from “forcing them to apologize.” Telling your kids “say sorry” is not teaching kids anything important. It doesn’t teach them to be empathic, it doesn’t teach them that intent doesn’t equal impact, etc. It teaches them that the most important thing is to keep the peace.


Sometimes keeping the peace *is* the most important thing. Would you rather be right or be happy?
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2022 09:04     Subject: Husband never admits he's wrong
Depends how frequently he is carelessness and mindlessly brain-farting around the house. If this was frequent I’d hope he’s rarely in the house.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2022 06:21     Subject: Re:Husband never admits he's wrong
Anonymous wrote:I will give you the hair brushing thing, but who cares about the dishwasher? It's not like it's going to flood the kitchen if he opens it when it's running, he will just have to start again and close the door. Why does that require any kind of adjudication of who was right or wrong? It was the most minor of blips.


+1 Who cares? It didn’t require a shout i.e. “RUNNING”) or really anything. He just closed and restarted, rather than taking dripping stuff out of it, right?
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2022 01:38     Subject: Husband never admits he's wrong
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Fyi for those of you in the "I never make my kids apologize because it's not authentic/genuine" camp--this is the adult you will get. You are forewarned.


BS. Helping kids see and acknowledge kids the impact of their actions is what a parent should do, and that is far from “forcing them to apologize.” Telling your kids “say sorry” is not teaching kids anything important. It doesn’t teach them to be empathic, it doesn’t teach them that intent doesn’t equal impact, etc. It teaches them that the most important thing is to keep the peace.


I agree that it's important to teach them empathy, you are absolutely right. But if a child doesn't ever have to overcome the discomfort of saying they are sorry then they will never overcome that discomfort, even if they are dead wrong and they know it.


+1 million
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2022 23:32     Subject: Re:Husband never admits he's wrong
Anonymous wrote:OP, there's generally too much chatter. You would all benefit from more autonomy -- including your daughter brushing her own hair. Here is how it should have gone down: Daddy hurts when he brushes her hair. She brushes it herself.

Op, generally: couples do not need to fight. People do not need to admit short comings. People aren't "wrong" to the point of needing to apologize. Your examples do not indicate that he his hurting you. Instead, he is sarcastic. It's another form of an eyeroll. It's not respectful and is a slippery slope but frankly it sounds like you nag too much or just generally nit pick.


Married adults with kids absolutely need to admit and minimize their shortcomings. Not cool to raise a dysfunctional Mini Me.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2022 21:53     Subject: Re:Husband never admits he's wrong
OP, there's generally too much chatter. You would all benefit from more autonomy -- including your daughter brushing her own hair. Here is how it should have gone down: Daddy hurts when he brushes her hair. She brushes it herself.

Op, generally: couples do not need to fight. People do not need to admit short comings. People aren't "wrong" to the point of needing to apologize. Your examples do not indicate that he his hurting you. Instead, he is sarcastic. It's another form of an eyeroll. It's not respectful and is a slippery slope but frankly it sounds like you nag too much or just generally nit pick.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2022 21:51     Subject: Re:Husband never admits he's wrong
Anonymous wrote:I will give you the hair brushing thing, but who cares about the dishwasher? It's not like it's going to flood the kitchen if he opens it when it's running, he will just have to start again and close the door. Why does that require any kind of adjudication of who was right or wrong? It was the most minor of blips.


This. I’m wondering if this type of thing happens frequently. My DH does this a lot over meaningless stuff and 20 years in I pretty much ignore him.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2022 21:50     Subject: Husband never admits he's wrong
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Fyi for those of you in the "I never make my kids apologize because it's not authentic/genuine" camp--this is the adult you will get. You are forewarned.


BS. Helping kids see and acknowledge kids the impact of their actions is what a parent should do, and that is far from “forcing them to apologize.” Telling your kids “say sorry” is not teaching kids anything important. It doesn’t teach them to be empathic, it doesn’t teach them that intent doesn’t equal impact, etc. It teaches them that the most important thing is to keep the peace.


I agree that it's important to teach them empathy, you are absolutely right. But if a child doesn't ever have to overcome the discomfort of saying they are sorry then they will never overcome that discomfort, even if they are dead wrong and they know it.


NP, but you do realize that people who don't force their kids to apologize aren't taking that stance because they don't think they should apologize, right? I never forced my kid. She learned it because we modeled it for her. We apologize. Like people. Sometimes she didn't apologize when she was little, but I found she eventually did, most of the time, and it was genuine. At 9, she almost always does when I think it would be warranted.


And how do others perceive your daughter and her ability to apologize?

I do think it's pointless standing there shouting at your kid to apologize but I don't think just modeling it is enough.


This last line is my point. I'm not standing there yelling and increasing punishments until they apologize, but I strongly and firmly encourage it to happen; sometimes waiting through the discomfort until they do. My kids are teens now and have zero "trauma"
From this system and are actually great at apologizing when they know they did something wrong, but they also stand their ground if they feel like they didn't. We model it, but for many people, that's not enough. A lot of people in the world (like op's dh) who always feel like the victim and never the guilty one.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2022 21:46     Subject: Husband never admits he's wrong
You can also say "oops" and move on.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2022 21:39     Subject: Husband never admits he's wrong
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Fyi for those of you in the "I never make my kids apologize because it's not authentic/genuine" camp--this is the adult you will get. You are forewarned.


BS. Helping kids see and acknowledge kids the impact of their actions is what a parent should do, and that is far from “forcing them to apologize.” Telling your kids “say sorry” is not teaching kids anything important. It doesn’t teach them to be empathic, it doesn’t teach them that intent doesn’t equal impact, etc. It teaches them that the most important thing is to keep the peace.


I agree that it's important to teach them empathy, you are absolutely right. But if a child doesn't ever have to overcome the discomfort of saying they are sorry then they will never overcome that discomfort, even if they are dead wrong and they know it.


NP, but you do realize that people who don't force their kids to apologize aren't taking that stance because they don't think they should apologize, right? I never forced my kid. She learned it because we modeled it for her. We apologize. Like people. Sometimes she didn't apologize when she was little, but I found she eventually did, most of the time, and it was genuine. At 9, she almost always does when I think it would be warranted.


And how do others perceive your daughter and her ability to apologize?

I do think it's pointless standing there shouting at your kid to apologize but I don't think just modeling it is enough.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2022 21:08     Subject: Husband never admits he's wrong
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Fyi for those of you in the "I never make my kids apologize because it's not authentic/genuine" camp--this is the adult you will get. You are forewarned.


BS. Helping kids see and acknowledge kids the impact of their actions is what a parent should do, and that is far from “forcing them to apologize.” Telling your kids “say sorry” is not teaching kids anything important. It doesn’t teach them to be empathic, it doesn’t teach them that intent doesn’t equal impact, etc. It teaches them that the most important thing is to keep the peace.


I agree that it's important to teach them empathy, you are absolutely right. But if a child doesn't ever have to overcome the discomfort of saying they are sorry then they will never overcome that discomfort, even if they are dead wrong and they know it.


NP, but you do realize that people who don't force their kids to apologize aren't taking that stance because they don't think they should apologize, right? I never forced my kid. She learned it because we modeled it for her. We apologize. Like people. Sometimes she didn't apologize when she was little, but I found she eventually did, most of the time, and it was genuine. At 9, she almost always does when I think it would be warranted.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2022 19:37     Subject: Husband never admits he's wrong
Anonymous wrote:He opened a running dishwasher?!?!

Confess! Confess! Confess!



Right. This scenario didn't require an apology or a confession.

Or really op to say anything.

This was a whoops m start over again and move on.

Same thing with the hair though her a simple whoops sorry didn't mean to hurt you let's try again and moving on.no reason this should have ended with daughter running out crying.

I feel like there's not a lot of letting go and moving on in this household instead a lot of drama and turning everything into a catastrophe

Anonymous
Post 04/26/2022 19:32     Subject: Husband never admits he's wrong
Honestly , you both sound overly dramatic.

I'm willing to bet your husband grew up with overly critical parents and yours are overly dramatic.

It sounds like you're raising overly dramatic kids.


What this means is some things require a reaction and others different degrees of reactions.

Anonymous
Post 04/26/2022 19:31     Subject: Husband never admits he's wrong
He opened a running dishwasher?!?!

Confess! Confess! Confess!