Like OP I wonder how I’ll feel too. I had a great childhood but things got tense when I was in college and grad school because I was trying to assert some independence and was probably being a huge a-hole. I’m in my 40s now and things have been going downhill since I got married because she hates DH and his entire family for reasons unimportant to this post.

She’s also become one of the most negative people I have ever encountered to the point where we can’t have a conversation without negative rants about everything. And I do mean “rant.” Lengthy monologues about how everything is awful, everything is dangerous, everyone has malicious intent, DH is terrible, everything I do is wrong, and the usual politics. It’s hard to get in a word and she just gets louder.

It’s exhausting and I can’t have a conversation with her. I don’t call her on the phone just to talk. She lives nearby so I usually see her once a week with DC but she doesn’t like my house so she always leaves after about 30 min. She won’t stay for dinner because she doesn’t like my food. I try to bring up positive aspects about what we are discussing or redirect her but nothing works. I avoid spending time alone with her because of the extreme negativity and ranting. She is sad about this. She blames DH and I’ve tried to explain that it’s because I don’t want to be ranted at constantly but she thinks that we are just having a normal conversation.

She is in her 80s now and I feel obligated to try and repair the relationship but I don’t know how. Do I spend time alone with her and just absorb all the negativity? When she dies how will I feel? I think I’m going to feel incredibly guilty for distancing myself.

Anonymous wrote:OP back. My mother has passed away a few days ago, and this is a terrible thing to say but I feel great relief! There’s a lot to deal with, but overall I am happy this situation has resolved and my dad will finally be able to take a break from caring for her.
Hopefully the poster above is right and I will be able to finally have a closer relationship with my dad. She always inserted herself between him and us kids.

OP I understand you are in the throes of grief. I hope someday you get to a place where you find happiness and good memories of your mother.

Anonymous wrote:OP back. My mother has passed away a few days ago, and this is a terrible thing to say but I feel great relief! There’s a lot to deal with, but overall I am happy this situation has resolved and my dad will finally be able to take a break from caring for her.
Hopefully the poster above is right and I will be able to finally have a closer relationship with my dad. She always inserted herself between him and us kids.

Blessings to you OP. It's not terrible to feel relief - you are now able to move forward without a weight hanging on you. As others have said, give yourself grace as you process old memories and what-ifs. Remember to give your dad grace too. Best wishes for a happier tomorrow!

OP back. My mother has passed away a few days ago, and this is a terrible thing to say but I feel great relief! There’s a lot to deal with, but overall I am happy this situation has resolved and my dad will finally be able to take a break from caring for her.
Hopefully the poster above is right and I will be able to finally have a closer relationship with my dad. She always inserted herself between him and us kids.

Anonymous wrote:I felt relief when my dad died. He was a good, but broken man who had a lot of trauma in his childhood that festered, and came out in unhealthy ways involving us "kids."

I don't believe he knew any better, and there were definitely glimpses of love and care among the rage. Nevertheless, dealing with him was challenging. I felt shock--but relief when he died suddenly, and before he had a chance to deteriorate physically and mentally.

I feel no guilt about my feelings of relief.

Exact same situation here, with addiction thrown into the mix. He was only 60 when he died, and I was so relieved that my mom wouldn’t be tied to him for the rest of her life, that we could be free to enjoy family holidays for the first time in ages, and that he would never kill anyone driving drunk. I often feel sad about all his lost potential. He was brilliant and kind in spurts, and he truly loved us to the best of his limited ability. I found that after he died I was able for the first time in years to focus on the good things about him and the good times we had as a family.

My mom’s remaining years were so happy and healthy compared to all the years of their marriage. You don’t really talk about where your dad was in all this, but I hope there is a possibility you could have a stronger relationship with him once he is no longer dealing with her demons. Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:I can relate OP. My mom's depression and anxiety is extermalized and she needs a scapegoat-that would be me. Dad kept he in check,but when he died all hell broke lose on me. I have needed to set major boundaries and I too pray she doesn't have a long drawn out death because she will milk it with non-stop guilt trips. I have tried to do what I can without losing my mind. I do think there will be relief when she passes. I have already mourned who she could not be and who i lost when dad stopped being a buffer. I think I might even breathe easier knowing the abusive behavior is OVER.

I could have written tis post and have been thinking a lot about it this week. I tell myself I've done what I can while maintianing my sanity---but who knows what might evolve. Hoping it will bring relief. I've tried to remove any of my own guilt from the equation

Anonymous wrote:You will be angry, at what could have been. You will relive your trauma, you will feel sad that you cannot love your mother the way mothers deserve to be loved, and you will feel sad that you were not loved the way you deserved to be. You will feel relief, and then you will feel shame at feeling that relief. Mostly you will feel puzzled and distraught at how your mother became this person, and you will worry that you could have - should have- intervened or confronted her — in a fantasy that you could have fixed this. But you will be okay and you will find a way to honor what was best of her and bury the rest.

Thank you for this. My mother has numerous health problems, hoarding issues, etc and isn't happy that she's in an assisted living facility now (after years of fighting it). We've had a declining relationship for the last 20 years, and now as the only child I'm left holding the bag for all of her care and finances, and she seems to derive pleasure from turning over all her long-neglected responsibilities to me. I've found myself facing OP's question a lot lately and thinking that it would be best for her to pass quickly of a heart attack (not out of the realm of possibility for her) than have to carry on like this. Selfishly, I also don't want to manage her life anymore and resent being in this position. I imagine the quote above will resonate whenever the time comes.

I felt relief when my dad died. He was a good, but broken man who had a lot of trauma in his childhood that festered, and came out in unhealthy ways involving us "kids."

I don't believe he knew any better, and there were definitely glimpses of love and care among the rage. Nevertheless, dealing with him was challenging. I felt shock--but relief when he died suddenly, and before he had a chance to deteriorate physically and mentally.

I feel no guilt about my feelings of relief.

Anonymous wrote:You will be angry, at what could have been. You will relive your trauma, you will feel sad that you cannot love your mother the way mothers deserve to be loved, and you will feel sad that you were not loved the way you deserved to be. You will feel relief, and then you will feel shame at feeling that relief. Mostly you will feel puzzled and distraught at how your mother became this person, and you will worry that you could have - should have- intervened or confronted her — in a fantasy that you could have fixed this. But you will be okay and you will find a way to honor what was best of her and bury the rest.

I think I will definitely worry that I could have done more.

Anonymous wrote:I felt relief and grief. A huge new hole but also one closed. So hard to explain.

Did you feel better overall than when she was alive? I am looking forward to relief, closure, end of story. But I don’t want an even worse one to start

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my mentally ill (and physically ill) mother passed away and there was huge relief, that her suffering was over and honestly, that I didn't have to hear about it 24/7.

I enjoyed the silence.

Then some months passed and I remembered the previous versions of her and I missed those, and I grieved them.

Its ok there is not one set way of feeling / handling this kind of situation.

Thank you for sharing. Right now I just really want all this story to be over! To become free, in a way. But maybe it’s an illusion and one is never free…

Anonymous wrote:I can relate OP. My mom's depression and anxiety is extermalized and she needs a scapegoat-that would be me. Dad kept he in check,but when he died all hell broke lose on me. I have needed to set major boundaries and I too pray she doesn't have a long drawn out death because she will milk it with non-stop guilt trips. I have tried to do what I can without losing my mind. I do think there will be relief when she passes. I have already mourned who she could not be and who i lost when dad stopped being a buffer. I think I might even breathe easier knowing the abusive behavior is OVER.

Thank you for sharing! I too hope that I will only feel relief. I am afraid of some old grief resurfacing though

Anonymous wrote:My mom was an alcoholic with whom I cut off most contact a couple years before she died. Like you, she had been making my life very difficult for many years. I felt a huge wave of relief when she died, but I also grieved very much for the mom she could've been, and the one I remember from my early childhood. It was difficult, and still is at times. Hugs, op. These strained parental relationships are really tough.

Thank you so much! I often think that I am done grieving for the good mom I could have had, but who knows!