Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 17:18     Subject: Re:Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.


In that case tell him that you’ll have to help out your parents with expenses even if parents resist.


He says he has no problem helping with groceries or something.


He's being an ass. The stress of having visitors/guests for two weeks, and cooking three meals a day and cleaning up and catering to them is exhausting.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 17:16     Subject: Re:Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.


Well if you're staying in a hotel can't he stay in the same bed as you? This makes no sense. He sounds like a jerk to insist on imposing himself on elders he doesn't know in a foreign country, when there'll be a hotel room available to him with his wife in it.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 17:11     Subject: Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
OP, do you work? Why is this financial decision solely your husband’s? I couldn’t stand for that.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 16:54     Subject: Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
OP send your parents finds for food. Plan activities so you have places to go. You and your husband should have saved for the trip.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 16:02     Subject: Re:Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.


It's actually quite simple. If you guys can't afford a hotel or airb&b for 2 weeks, then you cut the length of your stay. Otherwise your parents would stress themselves beyond belief.

I'm beginning to think that your DH is willfully obtuse. He's not hearing what your concerns are, that no matter what he thinks, it's a huge imposition on your parents. Instead he's presenting these stark "either or" choices. I'd be embarrassed about being married to a dolt than having poor parents.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 14:36     Subject: Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
Anonymous wrote:If he (you both) can't afford to stay at a hotel then you have no business going for that length of a visit. Jeez. Two weeks is way too long to stay with parents who are financially stressed and have limited space. I would go for MAYBE four days maximum where we'd stay with parents but really, that's only if I thought money and space were not an issue.


+1 If you want a longer visit with your parents, have the come down here. Two weeks under the circumstances you describe is waaaaay too long.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 14:28     Subject: Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
14:23 here. Just remembered something else. I used to visit my grandparents in their minuscule apartment decades ago. They were lower-income too, but kept everything absolutely spotless and cheerful, unlike my MIL, who is depressed. It was a joy to visit them.

My point is that sometimes it's not about the poverty or size of the apartment.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 14:26     Subject: Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
If he (you both) can't afford to stay at a hotel then you have no business going for that length of a visit. Jeez. Two weeks is way too long to stay with parents who are financially stressed and have limited space. I would go for MAYBE four days maximum where we'd stay with parents but really, that's only if I thought money and space were not an issue.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 14:26     Subject: Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
Tell him you can't get it on in your parents place.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 14:23     Subject: Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
Foreigner here, with family abroad.

My dear MIL isn't well off and even though my husband would love to stay overnight in her apartment, over the years, he's understood that it's really just too uncomfortable. We stay elsewhere, usually at my parents' in the same capital city, or somewhere else. But for everyone to agree to this, I had to endure a few overnight stays in sweaty polyester sheets, 6-7 people sharing one toilet and bathroom, and a generally run down living space.

I think you have to prepare him as best you can, and suggest that you buy groceries for your parents, and generally help them out during your visit.

Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 14:18     Subject: Re:Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.


In that case tell him that you’ll have to help out your parents with expenses even if parents resist.


He says he has no problem helping with groceries or something.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 14:14     Subject: Re:Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.

I can see my husband saying this. He's really frugal and genuinely doesn't mind sleeping on a floor and eating frozen peas or whatever to save money. In these situations I have found I have to be really direct with him and explain that I understand that HE doesn't mind, but there are other factors at play such as the hosts' comfort level and ability. This works for us, I don't know if it would work for you.

I also do go sometimes to visit my parents by myself because, for instance, they don't have internet in their rural home and he hates not being connected to his work, so sometimes that can be the answer. But since this would be his first time meeting them, I'd really put my foot down and tell him I expected him to come and to be a good guest! Can he come and you all stay for a few days in their home, and then he flies back and you stay on alone for a longer visit? That might be a reasonable compromise. If he won't even agree to that I'd seriously reconsider this marriage, honestly.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 13:58     Subject: Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
Canada
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 13:55     Subject: Re:Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is insistent that we stay with parents and says he doesn't care about their accommodations. He cannot afford to shell out for a hotel for 2 weeks and if I feel like it would be an imposition for him to stay with them at their situation then I should go by myself.



I don't know what to do.


In that case tell him that you’ll have to help out your parents with expenses even if parents resist.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2022 13:50     Subject: Embarrassed to take husband to visit my wonderful but poor parents
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Prep him in advance what to expect. If he is the good person you think he is, he will not care. He will likely worry about making a good impression on your parents!


This and stay in a hotel. Your parents seem like lovely people.


OP here. I keep asking him to stay at a hotel but he is insistent that we stay with my parents to save money. I think since this is the first time everyone will be meeting, us staying at a hotel would be ideal as we can manage how to have contact or when to see each other vs having some privacy. And it would lessen the stress on my parents to host us. They technically do have a guest room but I worry for them trying to buy food and feed us for 2 weeks!


Either insist on staying in a hotel or somehow compensate your parents so they aren’t burdened with the expenses.