Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:34     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
I knew before I opened this thread that the "spouse" was a guy because no man complains that his wife isn't too bright. In fact, that's a quality many men look for in a wife.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:34     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi, I am looking for tips, advice from people who have dealt with with a spouse who is just not "with it." DH have been together for 5 years. Over time, I have realized he is just not that smart and it is extremely frustrating and I don't know how to deal. One of the primary issues we have is his lack of listening comprehension. For example, unless l explain something to him in a very detailed way and several times, he will either think I never told him about something or remember the conversation wrongly. He will then blame me for not sharing things with him and being a poor communicator. It's extremely frustrating because I feel like I have to spell things out and communicate like I'm speaking to a child just to get him to remember anything. This also happens with other people. I often have to be the one to call if he needs to speak to a customer service rep because he gets confused and just doesn't want to deal with it. I also am responsible for keeping up and paying all bills, keeping appointments, etc. because he doesn't want to deal with it. Resolving any issues is also extremely difficult because he cannot argue linearly, so if I make a point while having a discussion he will answer with something that is completely unrelated and not responsive to the point I was trying to make. He then gets mad at me for actually brining the argument back to the point at hand. He also holds views that I find very difficult to understand or respect (e.g., COVID beliefs not at all based on science, belief in conspiracy theories, increasingly alt-right views, disparate views on discipling our kids). I am at a loss at what do. Over time, he has become increasingly angry and I think resentful of me because I don't trust his judgement or value his opinion on things. And I feel the same way. I find myself losing respect for him and just not really understanding how he made it to his late-30s not understanding/knowing things that to me are basic. Any advice from people who have been there? I just really don't know how to move forward.
Advice:Be glad he's male. In this area, a white male US Citizen can earn big bucks with a clearance and not too intellectual/skilled and just watch cat videos at work. I'd have him do this and get a manny, because you have to ask if your kids would be off with him alone 50% of the time if you divorce.


modern day racism.
Sadly written from a factual witnessing of discrimination.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:31     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Sounds like ADHD and/ or executive functioning issues. These become worse with age and increased responsibility without treatment. I'd encourage you to do a free screening with him online and then take those results and make an appointment with his PCP from there a neuropsych eval I earn you a neuropsych appointment may take months to get.
But his PCP might be able to start him on a low dose of med in the meantime.

As for household duties split up responsibilities and use something like phone and Google calendar for .
reminders.


For discipline that is something you compromise on and unless it involves abusive techniques let the other partner manage.




Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:29     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Is it possible he has some sort of cognitive degenerative illness? The not understanding customer service reps is concerning. I know a lot of truly dumb people, and a lot of people with ADHD, and a lot of alt-right people, but none of them have issues understanding basic conversations with customer service reps.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:26     Subject: Re:Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Anonymous wrote:lmao you married a stupid guy and you are just realizing it after 5 years? Are you SURE that he's the one who is stupid?


I would’ve used nicer words but asked the same question? What else is highlighting his weakness now?
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:13     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Anonymous wrote:We have kids, which has exacerbated the issue. I have suggested couples counseling. He doesn't "believe" in counseling, so trying to get him to go has been like pulling teeth. Maybe individual therapy would be helpful?


He needs a neuropsych eval. Get separated in the meantime.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:13     Subject: Re:Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Anonymous wrote:Half the people making snarky comments here didn't even read the post. OP already had children with this man.

OP, I am sorry that I don't have answers for you. I think it would be possible to stay married to a man who's less intelligent if he has the other attributes you cited (e.g. kind, family oriented, etc.) but the increasing support of conspiracy theories, alt-right views, and a non-science-based approach to Covid (I'm guessing he's anti-vax) suggest that you are growing apart and may increasingly have different outlooks and values. I tend to think that divorce is a last option when there are children involved, but maybe therapy is in order. Good luck.


I've got a DH with ADHD/depression and has a lower intellect than I do but is highly intelligent in other areas. The ADHD/depression has been challenging but because we have a lot of common interests, respect for each other and are willing to work on the relationship, our marriage has worked well for over 20 years.

I agree with the PP that the increasing support of conspiracy theories, alt-right views and non-science based approach to COVID indicate that you outlooks and values are growing far apart. If your DH isn't willing to go to counseling, you should go by yourself to help you navigate this and determine what it is you're willing to live with and what you're not.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:08     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi, I am looking for tips, advice from people who have dealt with with a spouse who is just not "with it." DH have been together for 5 years. Over time, I have realized he is just not that smart and it is extremely frustrating and I don't know how to deal. One of the primary issues we have is his lack of listening comprehension. For example, unless l explain something to him in a very detailed way and several times, he will either think I never told him about something or remember the conversation wrongly. He will then blame me for not sharing things with him and being a poor communicator. It's extremely frustrating because I feel like I have to spell things out and communicate like I'm speaking to a child just to get him to remember anything. This also happens with other people. I often have to be the one to call if he needs to speak to a customer service rep because he gets confused and just doesn't want to deal with it. I also am responsible for keeping up and paying all bills, keeping appointments, etc. because he doesn't want to deal with it. Resolving any issues is also extremely difficult because he cannot argue linearly, so if I make a point while having a discussion he will answer with something that is completely unrelated and not responsive to the point I was trying to make. He then gets mad at me for actually brining the argument back to the point at hand. He also holds views that I find very difficult to understand or respect (e.g., COVID beliefs not at all based on science, belief in conspiracy theories, increasingly alt-right views, disparate views on discipling our kids). I am at a loss at what do. Over time, he has become increasingly angry and I think resentful of me because I don't trust his judgement or value his opinion on things. And I feel the same way. I find myself losing respect for him and just not really understanding how he made it to his late-30s not understanding/knowing things that to me are basic. Any advice from people who have been there? I just really don't know how to move forward.
Advice:Be glad he's male. In this area, a white male US Citizen can earn big bucks with a clearance and not too intellectual/skilled and just watch cat videos at work. I'd have him do this and get a manny, because you have to ask if your kids would be off with him alone 50% of the time if you divorce.


modern day racism.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:08     Subject: Re:Dealing with less intelligent spouse
How about other qualities? Does he eat well? Takes care of his health? Intelligence, or lack thereof, can be manifested in so many different ways. My neighbor is married to a man who needs her to remove basil from a slice of pizza before he can eat it but he's uprooting her to move all the way to some podunk part of the country just so that he can play golf all day. He eats processed foods and subsists on meat and potatoes ("Real men don't eat vegetables"). There's nothing like 5 minutes with the guy to appreciate my health freak of a husband.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:07     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Divorce. He’s not a stupid as you think he is. He’s found a way for someone else to manage his life. That is how he survived as long as he did - he can do things/understand. But why when you’ll just swoop in and do for him.

This is only going to get worse for you.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:03     Subject: Re:Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:lmao you married a stupid guy and you are just realizing it after 5 years? Are you SURE that he's the one who is stupid?


But it "only" took 5 years!


Half the country got sucked into Trumpism in the last 5 years. OP asked for advice not nasty snark.

Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:02     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
We have kids, which has exacerbated the issue. I have suggested couples counseling. He doesn't "believe" in counseling, so trying to get him to go has been like pulling teeth. Maybe individual therapy would be helpful?
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:02     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Anonymous wrote:
It could be ADHD, OP. What you describe is inattention and a lack of executive functioning skills (the ability to schedule, plan and get organized). If he spends his time on dubious websites as a distraction, his views may be skewed. People who frequently makes mistakes and do not feel in control of their life because of that often get defensive and angry with the years.

My husband is like this. He has ADHD he refuses to treat, and we suspect he may have some high-functioning form for Asperger's. He has a high IQ, and he doesn't believe in conspiracy theories exactly, but he sometimes over-reacts about things and has mentally rigid thinking that gives him a very black and white view of the world - which leads to irrationality and some extreme views, since the world is not black and white.

I don't know what to suggest, OP. I push back against weird concepts when I have the energy, but sometimes I just roll my eyes and focus on my own life. He is not a reliable partner and it's been hard, these last few years.


Agree it's likely ADHD. My husband had a neuro-psych eval and it clearly stated that he listening issues. However, he is above average in intelligence, which is probably similar to your husband. He's probably growing angry and defensive if you are treating him with resentment. Your post reeks of superiority. I suggest looking at medical treatment, then working on therapy. Find ways to meet in the middle. Don't take for granted his emotional intelligence. Kids need that too.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 11:55     Subject: Re:Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Half the people making snarky comments here didn't even read the post. OP already had children with this man.

OP, I am sorry that I don't have answers for you. I think it would be possible to stay married to a man who's less intelligent if he has the other attributes you cited (e.g. kind, family oriented, etc.) but the increasing support of conspiracy theories, alt-right views, and a non-science-based approach to Covid (I'm guessing he's anti-vax) suggest that you are growing apart and may increasingly have different outlooks and values. I tend to think that divorce is a last option when there are children involved, but maybe therapy is in order. Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 11:50     Subject: Dealing with less intelligent spouse
Kids or no kids?