Anonymous
04/16/2022 23:30
Subject: If you as an adult have a good relationship with your mom
Number one reason is respecting my choices. She clearly didn't like all the guys I dated, but they were always welcome into our home. She never pushed me into activities she thought I should do, and always supported the ones I chose. She didn't want me moving away, but she goes out of her way to visit and support us from after. She's just happy that I'm happy.
Anonymous
04/14/2022 21:00
Subject: Re:If you as an adult have a good relationship with your mom
I had a great relationship with my mother - imperfect as we both are - because we both have good senses of humor. My mother could easily laugh at her mistakes and was wickedly funny in her own right. Nothing was too sacred including her own kids and grandkids. My memories of laughing until I couldn’t breathe are among my best memories.
Anonymous
04/14/2022 11:57
Subject: If you as an adult have a good relationship with your mom
Anonymous wrote:My mom and I are close, and the biggest reason I can articulate is that she’s just easy-going and doesn’t create drama. She is supportive, happy to hear about what we’re doing but doesn’t tell us if she thinks we’re doing it wrong. She’s always happy to see us, but doesn’t have demands about holidays or schedules. She’s a a good host and guest. We also have similar personalities and world outlooks, so we can talk about a wide variety of topics without any minefields. It’s just easy.
My former MiL is very different. We actually got along (still do) well, but it took/takes so much work. She and her son (my ex) have a very tense relationship and she doesn’t speak to his new wife. For years, every holiday was a production. Half of them ended up with her in tears or sulking. Got offended if we didn’t want to or weren’t able to visit them/join vacations made with no consultation about schedule, destination, or accommodations. Every conversation is a litany of complaints. She is great with the kids, but otherwise visits are always just so fraught because you never know what’s going to create a maelstrom of emotion.
I'm the OP and your description of your former MIL is pretty much my mom to a T. But she's not even really great with my kids.
Anonymous
04/13/2022 22:43
Subject: If you as an adult have a good relationship with your mom
My mom and I are close, and the biggest reason I can articulate is that she’s just easy-going and doesn’t create drama. She is supportive, happy to hear about what we’re doing but doesn’t tell us if she thinks we’re doing it wrong. She’s always happy to see us, but doesn’t have demands about holidays or schedules. She’s a a good host and guest. We also have similar personalities and world outlooks, so we can talk about a wide variety of topics without any minefields. It’s just easy.
My former MiL is very different. We actually got along (still do) well, but it took/takes so much work. She and her son (my ex) have a very tense relationship and she doesn’t speak to his new wife. For years, every holiday was a production. Half of them ended up with her in tears or sulking. Got offended if we didn’t want to or weren’t able to visit them/join vacations made with no consultation about schedule, destination, or accommodations. Every conversation is a litany of complaints. She is great with the kids, but otherwise visits are always just so fraught because you never know what’s going to create a maelstrom of emotion.
My former MiL is very different. We actually got along (still do) well, but it took/takes so much work. She and her son (my ex) have a very tense relationship and she doesn’t speak to his new wife. For years, every holiday was a production. Half of them ended up with her in tears or sulking. Got offended if we didn’t want to or weren’t able to visit them/join vacations made with no consultation about schedule, destination, or accommodations. Every conversation is a litany of complaints. She is great with the kids, but otherwise visits are always just so fraught because you never know what’s going to create a maelstrom of emotion.
Anonymous
04/13/2022 13:18
Subject: Re:If you as an adult have a good relationship with your mom
I have a great relationship with my mum and pretty much always have. I'm a young mother now and have asked her about how she views motherhood and how the relationships with your children evolve.
She describes it as such:
As a mother you go from Coach to Personal Trainer to Cheerleader. When your kids area very young they need you for everything - you direct what is happening and are a critical part of their life in every way. As they get older you shift more to just helping them work through things that they request/accept your input on. And eventually your job is just to cheer them on no matter what and that's about it. Most importantly- you are never truly on the field with them during "games." Even as a "Coach" to a 4 year old in preschool, you don't control what happens to them 100% of the time. You just help them through it and teach them over time how to Navigate the fields of life.
She describes it as such:
As a mother you go from Coach to Personal Trainer to Cheerleader. When your kids area very young they need you for everything - you direct what is happening and are a critical part of their life in every way. As they get older you shift more to just helping them work through things that they request/accept your input on. And eventually your job is just to cheer them on no matter what and that's about it. Most importantly- you are never truly on the field with them during "games." Even as a "Coach" to a 4 year old in preschool, you don't control what happens to them 100% of the time. You just help them through it and teach them over time how to Navigate the fields of life.
Anonymous
04/13/2022 13:08
Subject: Re:If you as an adult have a good relationship with your mom
I have daughters that are both adults and children, and biological and a step daughter. I do what my mom has done for/with me:
- every time we reunite (after school, after going anywhere) I say "I'm so happy to see you!"
- I let them see me put away my phone and will say things like "They can wait; you're more important"
- we have some rituals but I also do little surprise things occasionally (maybe once a month or less) that I know will make them happy like bring the dog to pick them up from school or have cookies coming out of the oven right when they get home, or the time I got my stepdaughter socks with ruffles a few months after she'd mentioned she'd always wanted those
- I make time for us one on one. It might just be walking the dog, or cleaning the kitchen after dinner together, but other times we go to the diner for an after-school snack or go to the beach for a few hours
- minimal judgment of their friends
- I remember the details of their lives that are important to them
- I send care packages to college with a mix of treats and letters
- every time we reunite (after school, after going anywhere) I say "I'm so happy to see you!"
- I let them see me put away my phone and will say things like "They can wait; you're more important"
- we have some rituals but I also do little surprise things occasionally (maybe once a month or less) that I know will make them happy like bring the dog to pick them up from school or have cookies coming out of the oven right when they get home, or the time I got my stepdaughter socks with ruffles a few months after she'd mentioned she'd always wanted those
- I make time for us one on one. It might just be walking the dog, or cleaning the kitchen after dinner together, but other times we go to the diner for an after-school snack or go to the beach for a few hours
- minimal judgment of their friends
- I remember the details of their lives that are important to them
- I send care packages to college with a mix of treats and letters
Anonymous
04/13/2022 13:03
Subject: If you as an adult have a good relationship with your mom
I do not have A relationship with my Mom. She is super judgmental, confrontational, and depressing to be around. It sucks because she is my kids' only grandparent. I call her once a month. Our convos last 3 minutes at minimum. At the same time, I would die if my kids called me only once a month.
Anonymous
04/13/2022 10:52
Subject: If you as an adult have a good relationship with your mom
Anonymous wrote:I think as the kids get older, we have to slowly shift from instructor to supporter role. At some point you have to let go of the impulse to control your kids. As long as you see them as people separate from yourself (which I don't find hard at all!), and respect them as such, you'll be fine.
I don’t have a good relationship with my parents but I’d say that it’s important for parents to deal with their own anxieties and not let it manifest as control/judgment of their adult children.
Anonymous
04/13/2022 10:48
Subject: If you as an adult have a good relationship with your mom
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My mother was always very involved in my life growing up- always volunteering with my various activities - but she was not very emotionally available. She was/is an empathetic listener, but never had any advice to offer or opinions to share. I do an understand letting children make their own mistakes, but this was more emotional underdevelopment than an intentional attempt at building resilience in her kids.
She will learn so much from watching you and how you move through life. Here are a few things I am working hard to exemplify for my DD (and DSs, too) that I didn’t learn from my own mom: Model loving, emotionally mature relationships and strong communication. Show her how to use her voice to share her opinions and feelings, and remind her that her voice is valued. Be open with your emotions, positive and negative, so she can learn how to express and regulate her own.
As someone is trying to force fewer opinions on my teens (and still constantly listen to my parents' opinions on my life in my 40s), I am fascinated by your comment and don't know how to incorporate it into being more respectful to my DDs.
It can be helpful to do an audit of how many "shoulds" show up in our lives, even the ones that are so habitual we don't even really notice them. I was surprised to find a whole bunch that felt extremely true but then on examination not so much.
Can you give me an example of what you mean?
Anonymous
04/13/2022 10:27
Subject: If you as an adult have a good relationship with your mom
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My mother was always very involved in my life growing up- always volunteering with my various activities - but she was not very emotionally available. She was/is an empathetic listener, but never had any advice to offer or opinions to share. I do an understand letting children make their own mistakes, but this was more emotional underdevelopment than an intentional attempt at building resilience in her kids.
She will learn so much from watching you and how you move through life. Here are a few things I am working hard to exemplify for my DD (and DSs, too) that I didn’t learn from my own mom: Model loving, emotionally mature relationships and strong communication. Show her how to use her voice to share her opinions and feelings, and remind her that her voice is valued. Be open with your emotions, positive and negative, so she can learn how to express and regulate her own.
As someone is trying to force fewer opinions on my teens (and still constantly listen to my parents' opinions on my life in my 40s), I am fascinated by your comment and don't know how to incorporate it into being more respectful to my DDs.
It can be helpful to do an audit of how many "shoulds" show up in our lives, even the ones that are so habitual we don't even really notice them. I was surprised to find a whole bunch that felt extremely true but then on examination not so much.
Anonymous
04/12/2022 18:16
Subject: If you as an adult have a good relationship with your mom
If you have the time/budget, you may want to consider talking to a therapist.
My mother is really difficult. Thankfully I was blessed with boys, so I have not had to deal with having a same sex child. If I did though, I think I would have had a therapist on speed dial.
My mother is really difficult. Thankfully I was blessed with boys, so I have not had to deal with having a same sex child. If I did though, I think I would have had a therapist on speed dial.
Anonymous
04/12/2022 16:37
Subject: If you as an adult have a good relationship with your mom
Anonymous wrote:My mother was always very involved in my life growing up- always volunteering with my various activities - but she was not very emotionally available. She was/is an empathetic listener, but never had any advice to offer or opinions to share. I do an understand letting children make their own mistakes, but this was more emotional underdevelopment than an intentional attempt at building resilience in her kids.
She will learn so much from watching you and how you move through life. Here are a few things I am working hard to exemplify for my DD (and DSs, too) that I didn’t learn from my own mom: Model loving, emotionally mature relationships and strong communication. Show her how to use her voice to share her opinions and feelings, and remind her that her voice is valued. Be open with your emotions, positive and negative, so she can learn how to express and regulate her own.
As someone is trying to force fewer opinions on my teens (and still constantly listen to my parents' opinions on my life in my 40s), I am fascinated by your comment and don't know how to incorporate it into being more respectful to my DDs.