Anonymous
Post 05/23/2022 23:13     Subject: Friend just told me her child is transgender
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My son is trans. When I told people, it was just to share information. I had a support system to vent to and share feelings with while he transitioned. I mostly told people so they wouldn't be lost when I said my son instead of my daughter, and so they could use his new name if they saw him. The best responses were along the lines of "thanks for letting me know. Please correct me if I mess up and use the wrong name or pronoun." I could tell it was awkward for some people to ask questions, but I was happy to answer any questions about the transition process. Many people don't know (or don't know they know) trans people, don't really think about it until someone they know transitions, and don't really know what resources are available to learn about it.


One of my dearest friends and my kid's friends become trans a few years ago. I have been openly supportive and I genuinely love the kid and the family, but let's also be clear: it's their experience that has radicalized me against children transitioning.

I wouldn't share that with the family. But the rapidity with which that kid was put on blockers, cross sex hormones at 15.... And the change in them.... I've seen a kid go from being fairly happy go lucky go withdrawn, depressed, anorexic, and completely obsessed with their appearance and presentation.

You might say that's just being a teen and perhaps it is. But the difference between my kid and their friend is astonishing... And my kid isn't popular or gender conforming. They just don't give a damn.


You probably don’t know all the details. I mean, I’m sure you think you do, but there’s no way you can. I’m sure some people thought we moved too quickly, but they don’t know about the years of therapy for anxiety and depression before coming out, then the year+ of therapy with a gender specialist before we did anything beyond changing hair and wardrobe. We researched everything, every step, and discussed the options with our child before coming to decisions and carrying them out. We didn’t advertise to friends and family, so I’m sure changes seemed sudden.

I think it’s unfair that you’re comparing their child to yours. It sounds like two different situations, plus they’re entirely different people with different personalities. The question is, are they happier now than if treatment had been withheld. You can’t know that, but the parents and child probably have a decent idea. My son still has anxiety and depression. The pandemic made that worse. He seems much less happy, not to mention happy go lucky, than his peers. But I don’t think I’d still have a living child if he hadn’t transitioned.

And one reason many trans people put so much consideration into their appearance is they’re judged so harshly for it.


I'm sorry for your family's struggle. It's not uncommon and it is unfortunate, and I'd agree, the pandemic didn't help.

However, you aren't my friend or their family, and I do know for a fact their child didn't have much oversight.

My child probably has shorter hair than yours. We just don't consider it to be something that has to do with their gender.


The fact that you’re suggesting trans kids are basing gender identity on their hairstyle says a lot about you. The only people I know who make comments about someone’s gender based on their hairstyles are ultra conservatives who make fun of guys who have hair past their collars and call them sissies and who call girls with short hair all sorts of names. My son is trans whether he has short or long hair. His hair is long right now, as a matter of fact. I’m sure your child’s hair is more about their preferences, personality, style, facial structure, and probably a lot of other personal choices rather than gender.

Also, I’m not sure why your friends choices make you opposed to all children transitioning. Just because they chose not to educate themselves about the process doesn’t mean everyone plays fast and loose with medical decisions for their kids. Decisions like that should be between the families and their doctors, not legislators, just like women’s health and treatment should be private and not decided by people who’ve never dealt with the issues first hand.


+1

Anonymous
Post 05/23/2022 21:57     Subject: Friend just told me her child is transgender
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My son is trans. When I told people, it was just to share information. I had a support system to vent to and share feelings with while he transitioned. I mostly told people so they wouldn't be lost when I said my son instead of my daughter, and so they could use his new name if they saw him. The best responses were along the lines of "thanks for letting me know. Please correct me if I mess up and use the wrong name or pronoun." I could tell it was awkward for some people to ask questions, but I was happy to answer any questions about the transition process. Many people don't know (or don't know they know) trans people, don't really think about it until someone they know transitions, and don't really know what resources are available to learn about it.


One of my dearest friends and my kid's friends become trans a few years ago. I have been openly supportive and I genuinely love the kid and the family, but let's also be clear: it's their experience that has radicalized me against children transitioning.

I wouldn't share that with the family. But the rapidity with which that kid was put on blockers, cross sex hormones at 15.... And the change in them.... I've seen a kid go from being fairly happy go lucky go withdrawn, depressed, anorexic, and completely obsessed with their appearance and presentation.

You might say that's just being a teen and perhaps it is. But the difference between my kid and their friend is astonishing... And my kid isn't popular or gender conforming. They just don't give a damn.


You probably don’t know all the details. I mean, I’m sure you think you do, but there’s no way you can. I’m sure some people thought we moved too quickly, but they don’t know about the years of therapy for anxiety and depression before coming out, then the year+ of therapy with a gender specialist before we did anything beyond changing hair and wardrobe. We researched everything, every step, and discussed the options with our child before coming to decisions and carrying them out. We didn’t advertise to friends and family, so I’m sure changes seemed sudden.

I think it’s unfair that you’re comparing their child to yours. It sounds like two different situations, plus they’re entirely different people with different personalities. The question is, are they happier now than if treatment had been withheld. You can’t know that, but the parents and child probably have a decent idea. My son still has anxiety and depression. The pandemic made that worse. He seems much less happy, not to mention happy go lucky, than his peers. But I don’t think I’d still have a living child if he hadn’t transitioned.

And one reason many trans people put so much consideration into their appearance is they’re judged so harshly for it.


I'm sorry for your family's struggle. It's not uncommon and it is unfortunate, and I'd agree, the pandemic didn't help.

However, you aren't my friend or their family, and I do know for a fact their child didn't have much oversight.

My child probably has shorter hair than yours. We just don't consider it to be something that has to do with their gender.


The fact that you’re suggesting trans kids are basing gender identity on their hairstyle says a lot about you. The only people I know who make comments about someone’s gender based on their hairstyles are ultra conservatives who make fun of guys who have hair past their collars and call them sissies and who call girls with short hair all sorts of names. My son is trans whether he has short or long hair. His hair is long right now, as a matter of fact. I’m sure your child’s hair is more about their preferences, personality, style, facial structure, and probably a lot of other personal choices rather than gender.

Also, I’m not sure why your friends choices make you opposed to all children transitioning. Just because they chose not to educate themselves about the process doesn’t mean everyone plays fast and loose with medical decisions for their kids. Decisions like that should be between the families and their doctors, not legislators, just like women’s health and treatment should be private and not decided by people who’ve never dealt with the issues first hand.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2022 15:08     Subject: Friend just told me her child is transgender
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My son is trans. When I told people, it was just to share information. I had a support system to vent to and share feelings with while he transitioned. I mostly told people so they wouldn't be lost when I said my son instead of my daughter, and so they could use his new name if they saw him. The best responses were along the lines of "thanks for letting me know. Please correct me if I mess up and use the wrong name or pronoun." I could tell it was awkward for some people to ask questions, but I was happy to answer any questions about the transition process. Many people don't know (or don't know they know) trans people, don't really think about it until someone they know transitions, and don't really know what resources are available to learn about it.


One of my dearest friends and my kid's friends become trans a few years ago. I have been openly supportive and I genuinely love the kid and the family, but let's also be clear: it's their experience that has radicalized me against children transitioning.

I wouldn't share that with the family. But the rapidity with which that kid was put on blockers, cross sex hormones at 15.... And the change in them.... I've seen a kid go from being fairly happy go lucky go withdrawn, depressed, anorexic, and completely obsessed with their appearance and presentation.

You might say that's just being a teen and perhaps it is. But the difference between my kid and their friend is astonishing... And my kid isn't popular or gender conforming. They just don't give a damn.


You probably don’t know all the details. I mean, I’m sure you think you do, but there’s no way you can. I’m sure some people thought we moved too quickly, but they don’t know about the years of therapy for anxiety and depression before coming out, then the year+ of therapy with a gender specialist before we did anything beyond changing hair and wardrobe. We researched everything, every step, and discussed the options with our child before coming to decisions and carrying them out. We didn’t advertise to friends and family, so I’m sure changes seemed sudden.

I think it’s unfair that you’re comparing their child to yours. It sounds like two different situations, plus they’re entirely different people with different personalities. The question is, are they happier now than if treatment had been withheld. You can’t know that, but the parents and child probably have a decent idea. My son still has anxiety and depression. The pandemic made that worse. He seems much less happy, not to mention happy go lucky, than his peers. But I don’t think I’d still have a living child if he hadn’t transitioned.

And one reason many trans people put so much consideration into their appearance is they’re judged so harshly for it.


I'm sorry for your family's struggle. It's not uncommon and it is unfortunate, and I'd agree, the pandemic didn't help.

However, you aren't my friend or their family, and I do know for a fact their child didn't have much oversight.

My child probably has shorter hair than yours. We just don't consider it to be something that has to do with their gender.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2022 14:21     Subject: Friend just told me her child is transgender
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My son is trans. When I told people, it was just to share information. I had a support system to vent to and share feelings with while he transitioned. I mostly told people so they wouldn't be lost when I said my son instead of my daughter, and so they could use his new name if they saw him. The best responses were along the lines of "thanks for letting me know. Please correct me if I mess up and use the wrong name or pronoun." I could tell it was awkward for some people to ask questions, but I was happy to answer any questions about the transition process. Many people don't know (or don't know they know) trans people, don't really think about it until someone they know transitions, and don't really know what resources are available to learn about it.


One of my dearest friends and my kid's friends become trans a few years ago. I have been openly supportive and I genuinely love the kid and the family, but let's also be clear: it's their experience that has radicalized me against children transitioning.

I wouldn't share that with the family. But the rapidity with which that kid was put on blockers, cross sex hormones at 15.... And the change in them.... I've seen a kid go from being fairly happy go lucky go withdrawn, depressed, anorexic, and completely obsessed with their appearance and presentation.

You might say that's just being a teen and perhaps it is. But the difference between my kid and their friend is astonishing... And my kid isn't popular or gender conforming. They just don't give a damn.


You probably don’t know all the details. I mean, I’m sure you think you do, but there’s no way you can. I’m sure some people thought we moved too quickly, but they don’t know about the years of therapy for anxiety and depression before coming out, then the year+ of therapy with a gender specialist before we did anything beyond changing hair and wardrobe. We researched everything, every step, and discussed the options with our child before coming to decisions and carrying them out. We didn’t advertise to friends and family, so I’m sure changes seemed sudden.

I think it’s unfair that you’re comparing their child to yours. It sounds like two different situations, plus they’re entirely different people with different personalities. The question is, are they happier now than if treatment had been withheld. You can’t know that, but the parents and child probably have a decent idea. My son still has anxiety and depression. The pandemic made that worse. He seems much less happy, not to mention happy go lucky, than his peers. But I don’t think I’d still have a living child if he hadn’t transitioned.

And one reason many trans people put so much consideration into their appearance is they’re judged so harshly for it.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2022 20:30     Subject: Friend just told me her child is transgender
Anonymous wrote:My son is trans. When I told people, it was just to share information. I had a support system to vent to and share feelings with while he transitioned. I mostly told people so they wouldn't be lost when I said my son instead of my daughter, and so they could use his new name if they saw him. The best responses were along the lines of "thanks for letting me know. Please correct me if I mess up and use the wrong name or pronoun." I could tell it was awkward for some people to ask questions, but I was happy to answer any questions about the transition process. Many people don't know (or don't know they know) trans people, don't really think about it until someone they know transitions, and don't really know what resources are available to learn about it.


One of my dearest friends and my kid's friends become trans a few years ago. I have been openly supportive and I genuinely love the kid and the family, but let's also be clear: it's their experience that has radicalized me against children transitioning.

I wouldn't share that with the family. But the rapidity with which that kid was put on blockers, cross sex hormones at 15.... And the change in them.... I've seen a kid go from being fairly happy go lucky go withdrawn, depressed, anorexic, and completely obsessed with their appearance and presentation.

You might say that's just being a teen and perhaps it is. But the difference between my kid and their friend is astonishing... And my kid isn't popular or gender conforming. They just don't give a damn.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2022 08:52     Subject: Friend just told me her child is transgender
Anonymous wrote:The proper response is most definitely to post it on DCUM. Great friend.



Here at dcum, a poster will receive a variety of responses. Rarely is there agreement. Op can sift through and select the one which aligns with her instincts and feel she responded correctly. She will rank somewhere between horrible friend and saint buddy and there will be snark. Why not post here?
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2022 08:47     Subject: Friend just told me her child is transgender
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Her child is now living as a female and has a new name. I was shocked but tried to act like it was not a big deal. I was just wondering what the proper response is.


My response is to be polite, call the child by the new name and avoid using pronouns.

Meanwhile, in my mind, they will always be the gender that corresponds to their anatomy.


How weird you know the anatomy of the child..... If you are going to use biological terms like anatomy then use the biological term male or female- the sex of the individual is determined by their anatomy. M, F, Intersex. Gender has nothing to do with anatomy.


That's confusing because the words are the same. Aren't you also saying the PP is correct that the person is male?
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2022 08:44     Subject: Re:Friend just told me her child is transgender
Anonymous wrote:At this point a majority of my son’s female friends are calling themselves non-binary or trans. Age 13, liberal area. This has been sudden.


I can't decide if this makes it easier for actual trans kids to not feel like they don't belong or if it takes something away with all of these people claiming an identity that they don't actually have. It does seem like it would be harder for actual trans kids to be believed if a bunch of kids are calling themselves NB when they're just cishet kids. I'm sure most of them will stop when they start trying to attract the opposite sex and realize that they aren't, in fact, trans. I don't actually see any harm in it, like it's some huge thing to be scared of. They'll move on past this phase eventually. Or they won't if they're actually trans.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2022 08:37     Subject: Re:Friend just told me her child is transgender
At this point a majority of my son’s female friends are calling themselves non-binary or trans. Age 13, liberal area. This has been sudden.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2022 08:40     Subject: Friend just told me her child is transgender
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There are PFLAG chapters in this area. Many are meeting online. Probably also wherever you are, if you aren’t in the DMV. They can be sources of support for you, they certainly welcome friends and allies.

https://pflag.org/

If you scroll down you can search by area code. If you are in Nova, go to the DC chapter site, on there you’ll find Alexandria, Loudoun, Fairfax chapter info.


Zip code, not area code.


DMV has many people from different countries. Most of us have come across the usage of - zip code, area code, post code and pin code. We also understood that it was not a code for phone.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2022 08:00     Subject: Friend just told me her child is transgender
Im a parent of a child heading in this direction. I think a simple ” thank you for sharing that with me, please know that our family supports yours!” Is a good response.

Please don’t send links to articles about feel good child transition stories. They have probably already read them but also the stories are the “Hollywood “version of what really goes on behind the scenes in families like ours. I want to clarify that I am so happy there are amazing stories about there, and that families are supported by their communities. But it’s not the whole story, it’s a very difficult thing emotionally for everyone involved.

Lastly you are a great friend for asking and you should do/say. Do not feel bad for a second about being shocked or surprised!
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2022 09:48     Subject: Friend just told me her child is transgender
Anonymous wrote:There are PFLAG chapters in this area. Many are meeting online. Probably also wherever you are, if you aren’t in the DMV. They can be sources of support for you, they certainly welcome friends and allies.

https://pflag.org/

If you scroll down you can search by area code. If you are in Nova, go to the DC chapter site, on there you’ll find Alexandria, Loudoun, Fairfax chapter info.


Zip code, not area code.
Anonymous
Post 04/16/2022 09:48     Subject: Friend just told me her child is transgender
There are PFLAG chapters in this area. Many are meeting online. Probably also wherever you are, if you aren’t in the DMV. They can be sources of support for you, they certainly welcome friends and allies.

https://pflag.org/

If you scroll down you can search by area code. If you are in Nova, go to the DC chapter site, on there you’ll find Alexandria, Loudoun, Fairfax chapter info.
Anonymous
Post 04/12/2022 07:07     Subject: Friend just told me her child is transgender
Anonymous wrote:Just say "That's nice. Do y'all have weekend plans?" No pronouns needed.

Please don’t do this. Your friend shared some very big news. She obviously trusts you as a friend. This response is incredibly dismissive.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 16:06     Subject: Friend just told me her child is transgender
My son is trans. When I told people, it was just to share information. I had a support system to vent to and share feelings with while he transitioned. I mostly told people so they wouldn't be lost when I said my son instead of my daughter, and so they could use his new name if they saw him. The best responses were along the lines of "thanks for letting me know. Please correct me if I mess up and use the wrong name or pronoun." I could tell it was awkward for some people to ask questions, but I was happy to answer any questions about the transition process. Many people don't know (or don't know they know) trans people, don't really think about it until someone they know transitions, and don't really know what resources are available to learn about it.