Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left my alcoholic husband after 20+ years of marriage. It has been about 2 years and we are now divorced. I can say that it was the best decision I have made, even despite the heartache. For me, the turning point came when the addiction specialist said to me, "how much lower can you lower your barre to stay with him?" I realized how much I had taken on because he couldn't. He could not hold down a job, pay bills, watch the kids in a responsible manner etc. He is still not in treatment.

I also want to mention that the posters who are saying that you shouldn't leave because your kids would then be left alone with an alcoholic, please realize that your kids 1: likely have already been left alone with their alcoholic parent even in a married household, and 2: there are things like Soberlink that you can use to ensure the alcoholic parent is sober before and during visitation.

How does he cope with no income at all now that he is alone? I wonder what happens in these scenarios.

He lives rent free with a family member. Otherwise he has a massive amount of credit card debt.

Anonymous wrote:I left my alcoholic husband after 20+ years of marriage. It has been about 2 years and we are now divorced. I can say that it was the best decision I have made, even despite the heartache. For me, the turning point came when the addiction specialist said to me, "how much lower can you lower your barre to stay with him?" I realized how much I had taken on because he couldn't. He could not hold down a job, pay bills, watch the kids in a responsible manner etc. He is still not in treatment.

I also want to mention that the posters who are saying that you shouldn't leave because your kids would then be left alone with an alcoholic, please realize that your kids 1: likely have already been left alone with their alcoholic parent even in a married household, and 2: there are things like Soberlink that you can use to ensure the alcoholic parent is sober before and during visitation.

How does he cope with no income at all now that he is alone? I wonder what happens in these scenarios.

I divorced mine after about 15 years - he moved out right as the pandemic was starting. we are all in a much better place, including the kids.

I do worry about them being alone with him, but as PPs have said there are ways to ensure their safety (and make sure you have an excellent lawyer with experience with addicts - when I asked around in MD the same 3 or 4 names kept coming up and they all know each other); and they were 8 and 10 so I was past the point of worrying that they would stick a fork in an electric socket if he passed out on the couch or something.

Meanwhile, I am so much more at peace and present for them, in a way that I couldnt be when I was constantly watching him like a hawk and quietly seething because he wouldn’t do his share of anything and was always sneaking around and lying to me. SO they have a happy, more relaxed mom. Ex is more or less the same, but he is probably also a bit happier without me seething all over the place, and it isnt my problem anymore if he cant get a plumber to the house or mow the lawn or whatever.

FWIW, besides waiting for the kids to be a safer age, what made me finally pull the trigger was realizing our relationship would never recover even if he got totally sober. we had done a ton of therapy, he went to rehab 3 times, AA and everything, but he never acknowledged the damage that his behavior caused, or tried to repair it. one small example: he went to a work conference where lots of folks convene at the bar, and promised to text me at 9am each day. then he forgot. i was positive, after as many years of his drinking and passing out and whatnot as i had watched, that he had binged and was passed out in his room or worse, and i was terrified. i was actually on hold with the hotel to send security to his room when he texted me at 11 and said ‘oops, sorry.’.

a recovering addict who really wanted to make amends would have made damn sure to set an alarm. A secret drinker who sneaks around and lies and gaslights is a lot like a cheater. a relationship can only recover and trust be rebuilt if they are committed to rebuilding it, and he wasnt. once i realized that nothing could repair the damage, even if he got sober, it was an easy choice. and maybe he will actually do better on his sobriety journey without a wife who is angry all the time.

good luck, OP. this is not easy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t marry an alcoholic to begin with, specially if my father had had the same issue and I carry the baggage to think my marriage would end like the marriage of my parents.

That being said, if you think there is no hope here and you are willing and capable to be a single mom, you sure can.

I didn't marry an alcoholic to begin with. We have been together almost 20 years and the drinking has been happening for 3 years.

Then you are within your right to demand sobriety or divorce if you have tried your best to help him.

I honestly don't know if I have tried my best to help him. We have a special needs child and a toddler, I care for my mother, I am the breadwinner and the default parent. I feel like I don't have a single more ounce of myself to give to anyone.

You can make the choice to not be responsible for his choices. He is responsible for his choices, and there are consequences to those choices. Divorce may be one of them.

Are you in therapy now? It may be helpful as a space to talk about divorce and other possibilities without judgement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alcoholism is strongly associated with genetics and environment, hence avoid partners with alcoholism disorder in family.

This is an unhelpful thing to say in general. In this thread it's not only unhelpful, it's off-topic and stupid. STFU.

This person is on every thread blaming the spouse for something the other spouse does. We are all supposed to be fortune tellers and marry robots.

DCUM in general has a terrible understanding of addiction. That poster's delusion to think they can control the uncontrollable is a problem of its own.

People need to understand that a lot of people marry alcoholics who were not in addicts when they first got married. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it can take many years for its effects to become apparent to those around the alcoholic. This is especially true if the alcoholic attempts to conceal their behavior (which many do) by drinking alone, late at night, hiding bottles etc.

I left my alcoholic husband after 20+ years of marriage. It has been about 2 years and we are now divorced. I can say that it was the best decision I have made, even despite the heartache. For me, the turning point came when the addiction specialist said to me, "how much lower can you lower your barre to stay with him?" I realized how much I had taken on because he couldn't. He could not hold down a job, pay bills, watch the kids in a responsible manner etc. He is still not in treatment.

I also want to mention that the posters who are saying that you shouldn't leave because your kids would then be left alone with an alcoholic, please realize that your kids 1: likely have already been left alone with their alcoholic parent even in a married household, and 2: there are things like Soberlink that you can use to ensure the alcoholic parent is sober before and during visitation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alcoholism is strongly associated with genetics and environment, hence avoid partners with alcoholism disorder in family.

This is an unhelpful thing to say in general. In this thread it's not only unhelpful, it's off-topic and stupid. STFU.

This person is on every thread blaming the spouse for something the other spouse does. We are all supposed to be fortune tellers and marry robots.

Anonymous wrote:Alcoholism is strongly associated with genetics and environment, hence avoid partners with alcoholism disorder in family.

This is an unhelpful thing to say in general. In this thread it's not only unhelpful, it's off-topic and stupid. STFU.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t marry an alcoholic to begin with, specially if my father had had the same issue and I carry the baggage to think my marriage would end like the marriage of my parents.

That being said, if you think there is no hope here and you are willing and capable to be a single mom, you sure can.

I didn't marry an alcoholic to begin with. We have been together almost 20 years and the drinking has been happening for 3 years.

Then you are within your right to demand sobriety or divorce if you have tried your best to help him.

I honestly don't know if I have tried my best to help him. We have a special needs child and a toddler, I care for my mother, I am the breadwinner and the default parent. I feel like I don't have a single more ounce of myself to give to anyone.

I find it weird how people put the obligation of addressing alcoholism on the spouse. It is full stop the responsibility of the substance abuser first and foremost to “try his best to help himself” to address the substance abuse. If this is not happening, then a spouse may be willing to stay in the marriage.

Boundaries are really important in healthy relationships. His alcoholism is his problem. No one has a right jeopardize her hard-won safety by insisting she stay in the marriage to help him. Her priority is her own sanity and the health and safety of the kids. After that, ic Op wants to help, then fine, but help does not have to come within the marriage.

This. People argue spouses need to stay and deal with it because it’s an illness….okay, fine, but if my spouse had a physical illness like diabetes or cancer I’d expect them to get professional help rather than trying to guilt trip me into curing their diabetes. Because I can’t.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t marry an alcoholic to begin with, specially if my father had had the same issue and I carry the baggage to think my marriage would end like the marriage of my parents.

That being said, if you think there is no hope here and you are willing and capable to be a single mom, you sure can.

What an incredibly ignorant, destructive comment. You clearly know nothing about alcoholism. Or, you know, people.

It’s irrelevant but people do marry alcoholics expecting them to get better and can’t process it if they get worse.

Does he even want to get help at this point, OP? I’m guessing there are other reasons you want out besides his alcoholism.

If you have not, please join Al-Anon. You will get a lot of support there, unlike some of the responses you will get here.

You can absolutely do it, I used a lawyer that was familiar with alcoholism, she insisted that my ex-husband has to prove his sobriety every time he is going to be with the kids. He uses some thing called sober link. My husband would show up for visitation falling down drunk and it was traumatizing the kids, I won’t even open the front door until he breathalyzes.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t marry an alcoholic to begin with, specially if my father had had the same issue and I carry the baggage to think my marriage would end like the marriage of my parents.

That being said, if you think there is no hope here and you are willing and capable to be a single mom, you sure can.

What an incredibly ignorant, destructive comment. You clearly know nothing about alcoholism. Or, you know, people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t marry an alcoholic to begin with, specially if my father had had the same issue and I carry the baggage to think my marriage would end like the marriage of my parents.

That being said, if you think there is no hope here and you are willing and capable to be a single mom, you sure can.

I didn't marry an alcoholic to begin with. We have been together almost 20 years and the drinking has been happening for 3 years.

Then you are within your right to demand sobriety or divorce if you have tried your best to help him.

I honestly don't know if I have tried my best to help him. We have a special needs child and a toddler, I care for my mother, I am the breadwinner and the default parent. I feel like I don't have a single more ounce of myself to give to anyone.

I find it weird how people put the obligation of addressing alcoholism on the spouse. It is full stop the responsibility of the substance abuser first and foremost to “try his best to help himself” to address the substance abuse. If this is not happening, then a spouse may be willing to stay in the marriage.

Boundaries are really important in healthy relationships. His alcoholism is his problem. No one has a right jeopardize her hard-won safety by insisting she stay in the marriage to help him. Her priority is her own sanity and the health and safety of the kids. After that, ic Op wants to help, then fine, but help does not have to come within the marriage.