This is terrible. OP, you have every right to feel the way you feel. I'm so sorry about your losses.

I wish I could call your brother and SIL and give them a piece of my mind. No wonder there is no one to host a shower for her--she sounds like a terrible person.

Anonymous wrote:Op - rarely do I see a post on DCUM that is this black and white. Your SIL is completely wrong and selfish. You get a free pass on anything baby-related for as long as you want to. I’m so sorry for your losses, I can only imagine how hard that was for you.

Honestly this. I remember a baby shower happening in the office a few months after I had an m/c (after a year of trying). I spent the whole time crying in the bathroom. Thankfully people were cool and no one expected me to attend the shower. It’s beyond my imagination that they would expect you to host. Beyond. You do you. They need to get their heads on straight.

I’m so sorry for your losses, OP. No advice but I couldn’t resist chiming in to say that your SIL and brother are scummy people for making you feel bad here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my heart aches for you. They’re terrible for asking this of you. Truly, there is no way I can see their point of view or make an argument that this is a gray area. I agree this isn’t for you to fix. They’ll have to find someone else to host- and yes it’s weird they are involved but people are like that now. I cannot believe they are more concerned with an etiquette rule about direct family not hosting than with your feelings and comfort level. That’s the opposite of good etiquette!

OP here.. This just made me laugh about the etiquette of hosting vs. my comfort. Thank you!

I’m glad I could make you laugh a little bit bc it really is that ridiculous! Typically for people who follow that rule (and yes, it is the rule), a friend of the grandma (mom-to-be’s mom) steps up. So grandma needs to go hitting up her friend for this favor if that’s how they plan to keep it classy. Coming to you was just behind.

This is your answer OP. Tell them you are worried that people will talk if you host the shower since you are related. One of the grandmas' friends should step up to do the hosting. You SIL can also have multiple showers if nobody has a big enough space. One for mom's family, one for dad's family, one with friends.

Wow OP you are a saint to even be able to ever talk to them again. I hope they never experience a fraction of the hell you have been through. I don’t think you should even go to their shower. I experienced years of infertility and then a series of miscarriages. I thought I could handle showers and
Hosted one for my by. I quietly was hit by a wave of grief in thr middle and had to step away. I stopped going to them for a whole and decided I needed to focus on my well being and stop caring about hurting others by not going.

On a side note, I am sure you have gone to every specialist around but I finally had success when I went to CCRM in Denver. It only required 3 quick visits and saved my sanity. Thinking of you.

This is honestly horrifying and I’m so sorry that they are tryigg by to guilt you like that. My sister had a stillborn baby and cannot even attend baby showers- I would never in a million years ask her to host. They sound like awful people.

team OP. I'm so sorry for your losses

Op - rarely do I see a post on DCUM that is this black and white. Your SIL is completely wrong and selfish. You get a free pass on anything baby-related for as long as you want to. I’m so sorry for your losses, I can only imagine how hard that was for you.

You have been through so much that I would understand if you wouldn’t attend the baby shower, let alone host. This whole situation is not on you to repair. It’s on them!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe they don’t understand! Can your mom do it?

Thank you. I wish our mom could host, but she's eight hours away.

I think one of SIL's friends should host the shower, but she claims that no one else has the space necessary.

I think it's a little weird that she is coordinating her own shower like this, but perhaps my feelings that this is weird are not fair because of how strong all of my emotions are at this time.

OP, none of this is your problem to solve for her. She is a total asshat for even asking you to host after your losses. I give you mad props for saying no so nicely and not just hell now you selfish cow. In time they will come to realize how out of line their requests is but also they can’t demand to use your house and it’s rude to even ask. The host usually offers or a collaborative effort if made to rent a place.

Stop thinking about those people, as they don't care much about you

They’re being assholes. I’m shocked that they asked you.

I’m so sorry for your losses.

Thank you all! I will take your advice and take a step back to let THEM repair the relationship.

I appreciate all the kind words and support!

I hate these outdated rules. It keeps the people wit the most money, time and excitement from planning the shower. And instead foists it upon young women.

And your SIL is a monster to ask you to host after your losses. I’m so sorry op.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my heart aches for you. They’re terrible for asking this of you. Truly, there is no way I can see their point of view or make an argument that this is a gray area. I agree this isn’t for you to fix. They’ll have to find someone else to host- and yes it’s weird they are involved but people are like that now. I cannot believe they are more concerned with an etiquette rule about direct family not hosting than with your feelings and comfort level. That’s the opposite of good etiquette!

OP here.. This just made me laugh about the etiquette of hosting vs. my comfort. Thank you!

I’m glad I could make you laugh a little bit bc it really is that ridiculous! Typically for people who follow that rule (and yes, it is the rule), a friend of the grandma (mom-to-be’s mom) steps up. So grandma needs to go hitting up her friend for this favor if that’s how they plan to keep it classy. Coming to you was just behind.

^ beyond not behind. Sorry, I’m mad.