I am a step mom, but bigger age gap between DH first two children and our two children.
Frankly, my kids know very little about how their older siblings “live.” They know they went to college, have careers, etc.
We never make comparisons. We never say bad things about the ex. They know we paid for all kids undergraduate college education. They don’t know we are helping pay off his oldest graduate education; we weren’t planning to, but we have the ability to help and we are. And if they need help, we will.

This is the worst humblebrag I've seen in a long time.

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you are following the typical second wife naivete of blaming your DH's ex for everything and not seeing your DH's role in the problem. It sounds like he wasn't a very good parent. If your children suffered untreated mental health problems, would you be like "Oh well, I'll just remarry and have different kids"? Or would you try to help them, even if your ex were difficult?

Agree. Sounds like the DH left as soon as kid #2 was born, or the OP is the AP that he left his wife for once he knocked her up.
Sorry, leaving a wife with two very small children and starting a new family is not being a good father to the first too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay in you lane. They had to deal with their father and mother divorcing, your kids didn't. You husband needs to figure out things with their mother. You need to work on empathy. The mother has/had mental health issues and those kids may too. It may not be your perfect parenting that launched your kids. You may just have easier kids.

This. Plus I have a kid with mental health issues that is slow to launch. My other kids get that. How is it that your kids don’t understand this?

32 and 28 is too old to label 'slow to launch'

Op here,

Dh doesn’t talk about his kids mental health ever. It’s like he’s in denial and will not share with younger siblings. He seems ashamed of them and his ex wife.
My kids want to understand and they are empathetic to the situation, but we have no clues what is going with step kids.

Sure. I bet “your kids” really want to know about this. I’m sure “your kids” ask all the time. You’re not fooling anyone OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect troll. No one would post asking about messed up step

kids if the youngest was 26 and your child is 28. That would have to mean dad abandoned a pregnant wife or a wife with a one year old.

OP here,

My oldest son is adopted and youngest is our miracle baby! No one cheated and no drama except the mental health with first family.

Troll
How did you adopt so fast?

Bet if it wasn't a step-mom OP, the responses would've been vastly different.

OP, my younger brother has ADHD and anxiety. He is constantly going from one dead end job to another and lives with parents. On medication but thinks it's everyone else's fault when he gets fired, has car problems, etc. It's exhausting but at the end of the day, it is what it is. I do think it's very odd that your husband didn't share what his children have. I feel like that what make it more understanding.

Anonymous wrote:I suspect troll. No one would post asking about messed up step

kids if the youngest was 26 and your child is 28. That would have to mean dad abandoned a pregnant wife or a wife with a one year old.

OP here,

My oldest son is adopted and youngest is our miracle baby! No one cheated and no drama except the mental health with first family.

I suspect troll. No one would post asking about messed up step kids if the youngest was 26 and your child is 28. That would have to mean dad abandoned a pregnant wife or a wife with a one year old.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay in you lane. They had to deal with their father and mother divorcing, your kids didn't. You husband needs to figure out things with their mother. You need to work on empathy. The mother has/had mental health issues and those kids may too. It may not be your perfect parenting that launched your kids. You may just have easier kids.

This. Plus I have a kid with mental health issues that is slow to launch. My other kids get that. How is it that your kids don’t understand this?

32 and 28 is too old to label 'slow to launch'

Op here, Dh doesn’t talk about his kids mental health ever. It’s like he’s in denial and will not share with younger siblings. He seems ashamed of them and his ex wife.
My kids want to understand and they are empathetic to the situation, but we have no clues what is going with step kids.

Well, maybe you need to explain the truth to your kids-- that their father isn't a very good parent to his older children, and if they experience problems that make their father feel ashamed he probably won't handle it very well and may disengage from their lives. And also explain to them why you chose this person to be their father. Fun times!

Agree with all of this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay in you lane. They had to deal with their father and mother divorcing, your kids didn't. You husband needs to figure out things with their mother. You need to work on empathy. The mother has/had mental health issues and those kids may too. It may not be your perfect parenting that launched your kids. You may just have easier kids.

This. Plus I have a kid with mental health issues that is slow to launch. My other kids get that. How is it that your kids don’t understand this?

32 and 28 is too old to label 'slow to launch'

Op here,

Dh doesn’t talk about his kids mental health ever. It’s like he’s in denial and will not share with younger siblings. He seems ashamed of them and his ex wife.
My kids want to understand and they are empathetic to the situation, but we have no clues what is going with step kids.

Well, maybe you need to explain the truth to your kids-- that their father isn't a very good parent to his older children, and if they experience problems that make their father feel ashamed he probably won't handle it very well and may disengage from their lives. And also explain to them why you chose this person to be their father. Fun times!

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you are following the typical second wife naivete of blaming your DH's ex for everything and not seeing your DH's role in the problem. It sounds like he wasn't a very good parent. If your children suffered untreated mental health problems, would you be like "Oh well, I'll just remarry and have different kids"? Or would you try to help them, even if your ex were difficult?

+1000

My sister is the new wife in this situation, and the first round of kids is suffering so terribly from neglect I can't have anything to do with her.

It seems like you are following the typical second wife naivete of blaming your DH's ex for everything and not seeing your DH's role in the problem. It sounds like he wasn't a very good parent. If your children suffered untreated mental health problems, would you be like "Oh well, I'll just remarry and have different kids"? Or would you try to help them, even if your ex were difficult?

Anonymous wrote:Why do your kids need to understand it?

What OP means is that it bothers her and she has been complaining to her children about the stepchildren. So she has been turning her kids against the step kids in a 'power in numbers' type strategy. She will eventually confront the husband with it using their kids as pawns.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having an asshole for a step mom can do a number on you.

OP here,

Definitely not a bad stepmom. I welcome them in our house, respectful, and taught my kids to play nice all the time. My kids and I don’t fully understand their mental health because dh doesn’t share period. Not all stepmoms are evil.

Well, sounds like your DH kind of sucks as a parent. He should have been parenting his older children more effectively and handling the situation for the whole family in a better way than keeping secrets.

Why did you marry and raise children with a man who parents in this way?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As long as they are not asking to live with you (which I would not allow), I would stay out of it.

The only expense of theirs I might be willing to pay is health insurance. Pay it directly so you know it’s getting paid. If they have a health catastrophe, is your husband going to want to pay their bills if they are insured? Maybe. So it’s better to proactively pay their health insurance.

Otherwise, pay nothing.

Op here,

The oldest lived with us for two years straight ten years ago and the youngest maybe six months top. It was definitely weird having two adults living with us but not working or going to school. Both of them moved back with their mom and dh and I are definitely done raising our kids. Dh and I pay for Health insurance, car payments and hand money. Step kids are currently not working and their mom is on disability. We payed child support until they were 18 and 19 years old. Also paid for college but they didn’t finish as plan.

It’s not normal to be that age and not in school or not working. It’s disturbing that their father has not intervened before now. Also it’s tough to live on disability benefits, much less support two adult kids. It sounds like your DH dropped the ball and that neither of you know what’s going on in that household.

If your kids are so kind and compassionate, and I don’t doubt you on that, you should have no trouble helping them understand that some people lack the capacity and support to become independent. Of course that then raises the question of how you are going to explain their father’s role in that and for that i don’t know how you would do that because it looks like he really failed his older boys.