Anonymous wrote:Ugh that’s so tough op. I agree with validate without disparaging. That might sound like: “I don’t know why dad doesn’t want to talk to us more. It hurts. I don’t think he realizes how much that hurts us.” I would also get him a therapist that he can talk to one on one about those feelings.

I also think your son is pushing you to ask yourself some serious questions. Why isn’t your spouse there for you or your son? Why are you staying married if he’s not answering your calls? If you are staying for your son,don’t. You only model a toxic relationship for him, it will backfire.

this.
he is a crap dad & crap human
talk to a lawyer

suerte

Ugh that’s so tough op. I agree with validate without disparaging. That might sound like: “I don’t know why dad doesn’t want to talk to us more. It hurts. I don’t think he realizes how much that hurts us.” I would also get him a therapist that he can talk to one on one about those feelings.

I also think your son is pushing you to ask yourself some serious questions. Why isn’t your spouse there for you or your son? Why are you staying married if he’s not answering your calls? If you are staying for your son,don’t. You only model a toxic relationship for him, it will backfire.

Anonymous wrote:10 year olds don't just say things like that. If I heard it, I'd suspect it comes from mom's mouth, or a relative, or perhaps a teacher with no boundaries.

Children absolutely CAN and DO think for themselves. It always amazes me that people think children are not actual thinking humans. My child said very similar things and more about his father well before he even reached 10.

My husband stopped out of town/consulting projects once my firstborn came along. He's found local projects ever since. This was back in 2005.

Why couldn't you all be together? Most families make sacrifices for this stuff.

Unless he is stationed in the military or on a navy ship, I get it. But, if he is working a regular old job nobody with kids actively chooses to live in a foreign country or stay in the US without trying to figure out all how to live in the same place, at least people with common sense and good marriages.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad got posted overseas repeatedly when I was a kid before you could do anything other than an infrequent phone call. We just dealt with it. Mom made it clear that this was his duty, he didn’t have a choice in the matter.

Times have changed, grandma. There is zero excuse to not regularly be in contact with your kids, or wife, if you are in a first/second world country.

-51 yr old

We don’t know what country he’s in. If it’s like Afghanistan then yeah he has an excuse. I had a friend stationed in Qatar in 2020 and he didn’t communicate with his family very often because he was working 60 hour weeks, you know, fighting ISIS and stuff. (“No excuses, what a crappy dad!” shrieks DCUM.)

No excuse.

We decided together that once we had kids that we would not take unaccompanied orders. We go everywhere as a family.

So, op, how is school going?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad got posted overseas repeatedly when I was a kid before you could do anything other than an infrequent phone call. We just dealt with it. Mom made it clear that this was his duty, he didn’t have a choice in the matter.

It sounds harsh but I agree with this POV because it’s what you sign up for when you marry someone under these circumstances and it’s not right to hold that against them. As someone who has deployed (and got out for this very reason) a few times, the people at home don’t really understand how hard it is to keep in touch with home despite the increase in technology that makes instantaneous communication possible. I’d give the guy a little grace although it sounds like both OP and DH are not very nice to each other.

Same poster, so sorry, I confused this OP with the OP of another thread!

Anonymous wrote:10 year olds don't just say things like that. If I heard it, I'd suspect it comes from mom's mouth, or a relative, or perhaps a teacher with no boundaries.

This is not true, please. No way you're around kids.

Anonymous wrote:Well, you are the one who picked this crappy dad for your child. What’s your excuse?

This is insane.

Sorry OP for the ignorant posters on this thread.

My family has BTDT. First time, my kids dad went to a country where we could not have gone anyway due to safety. There was also a big time difference that made it harder.
We divorced not long after that for unrelated reasons.
Their dad is in another country now and could have taken the kids there but we decided it would be better for them to remain here with me. There is a lot to be said for continuity and stability of home, friends, and school. Even though my kids’ dad is now in a similar time zone, he still often does not call them more than once a week. And this is after him threatening to sue for full custody (he does not want to pay child support) so it’s hard for me to believe someone who only calls them once a week (and this is usually after I ask him to) really has or wants to make time for them.
I wouldn’t just assume your spouse is cheating, but maybe take a hard look at how you really feel about this arrangement.
In my case, examining things made me realize my home had much more peace while he was away. As hard as it is to be 100% responsible for all of the child care and logistics, it is much easier doing that than having another adult in or out of the house who is not fully engaged, or worse.

Anonymous wrote:My dad got posted overseas repeatedly when I was a kid before you could do anything other than an infrequent phone call. We just dealt with it. Mom made it clear that this was his duty, he didn’t have a choice in the matter.

Times have changed, grandma. There is zero excuse to not regularly be in contact with your kids, or wife, if you are in a first/second world country.

-51 yr old

Anonymous wrote:My dad got posted overseas repeatedly when I was a kid before you could do anything other than an infrequent phone call. We just dealt with it. Mom made it clear that this was his duty, he didn’t have a choice in the matter.

It sounds harsh but I agree with this POV because it’s what you sign up for when you marry someone under these circumstances and it’s not right to hold that against them. As someone who has deployed (and got out for this very reason) a few times, the people at home don’t really understand how hard it is to keep in touch with home despite the increase in technology that makes instantaneous communication possible. I’d give the guy a little grace although it sounds like both OP and DH are not very nice to each other.

Anonymous wrote:OP do not uproot your sons life and move him somewhere that half the people he will know can’t be bothered to take his calls.

Your husband is a crappy dad and your son is not an idiot. Even if you were divorced with a non-disparagement clause in place, you would not be expected to lie for your ex-spouse. Validate your sons feelings but do not either make comments yourself (like don’t say he’s a crappy dad, say you understand how disappointed he is not to talk to dad today.) Also don’t pile on or discuss your husbands behavior toward *You*, that is not appropriate to discuss with your son.

Take the opportunity of distance to consult a lawyer about what getting your ducks in a row might look like.

This. Build a good social life for yourself and kid. Ignore delinquent father who neglects you both.