OP again. DC also is struggling with noise and accessing groceries without a car. DC’s current housing does not have a kitchen and DC is struggling with the campus food. The location of the school is pretty cold this time of year. Again, issues DC needs to face eventually, but stressful on top of classes nonetheless.

OP here. The big issue is that having to find two more full years of expensive, hard-to-get off campus housing (we somehow didn’t realize that the university is in a really high COL town) where the vast majority of rentals specify “no students allowed” is really stressing DC out. DC currently does not have housing for this upcoming school year and hasn’t made many friends. The people she’s met all say they have housing and roommates already. Every lease application anywhere close to campus is a long waiting list with app fees. Most of the housing close to campus specified that you can’t sublease, too.

DC may be able to graduate in December 2023 and that is an option she is seriously investigating and working toward.

Good luck, OP. I had a high school friend who had great grades in high classes but struggled with an eating disorder even though she was receiving therapy. She went to one college, transferred to another and then ended up dropping out and living at home. It’s important to focus on treating any underlying mental health issue. I know that’s not easy or even always possible but I hope that the landscape is better for your daughter than it was for my friend back in the 90s. Best wishes to your daughter and you.

OP— I have an anxiety disorder. And as a result, transitions are tough for me. Transition to college, to grad school, to career, to marriage, to motherhood. Now to empty nest— all tough. So, I have gotten therapy and learned how to set up good situations (I’m now laying the groundwork of things to do for when my 2022 kid leaves) and to tolerate uncomfortable ones until they become familiar.

Sometimes, transferring is the right call. But, I look and I see a kid who had a tough first year in transferred— in 2020 during COVID, when everyplace was less than ideal. I have 2020 kid. It was not ideal, but most kids dealt with less than ideal and looked forward to more normal this year. And now your wants to transfer again— because of housing. And that point, she has 2 “failures” under her belt in places where most college kids were or are able to make it work.

At some point, you DD will have to stick with a less than ideal, unfamiliar or difficult situation or she will never be able to live independently, have a career or have a family. Those are skills you learn. And every time she does’t stick with a situation that has issues but isn’t terrible, she has less confidence in herself.

I would do whatever it took to make this situation work. It has a downside: housing. State college will have a downside too. The grass is always greener. Help her find housing, have her take a gap year to get therapy and work, work with disability services to keep her on campus— whatever. Filling in as her friend is not healthy. Helping her avoid dealing with uncomfortable situations is not a good idea.

FWIw, my kid has sensory issues. I call them bat ears. If your DD advertised for a roommate looking for a quiet environment, she’d sign on for that over living with a noisy BFF. There are definitely other kids looking for quiet roommates.

This is tough. If she’s dealing with extreme homesickness, my gut tells me to allow her to come home and finish up. But there has to be clear expectations that she’ll finish up.

Bring her home. There is something wrong, I'm guessing it's that she has had trouble finding friends. Fill in as her friend while she finishes up at a local college, and work on finding out what is wrong. It has to be more then just that she needs to find housing on her own.

Hi OP, I think we as parents may underestimate how hard it can be as a transfer student - new surroundings, new process, everyone else is already established. I def would take the suggestion of helping your daughter find housing, spend some time there to assess if it’s really a housing problem, or she’s just stressed to the max and can’t deal. Once you are there, I think you can figure it out (and decide if coming home is really the best option, another transfer might just open another can of worms). Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:F no!

I found myself unhappy at a large, somewhat competitive private at the start of my junior year. Rather than transfer, I decided that my junior year would be my senior year. It wasn't the Herculean effort one might think, and I stayed the summer beyond my third year to finish up some classes. I also spent that third year securing a job through on campus recruiting. By july, I was working full-time, and 2 years later I went off to a graduate school with a completely different vibe from my undergrad.

I know everyone's situation is different, but we're sharing perspectives here, so I'm giving mine. I don't like transferring to begin with. Unless the situation is truly awful, it's okay to live with some discomfort. I just think people have the bar for that, way too low, in general. Life has its ebbs and flows and you should move forward, not add unnecessary complication. It would take a lot to convince me that my kids should transfer once, but twice? Totally out of the question. Unless there is a very, very compelling reason.

OP here. This is actually the other option (finishing ASAP). DC has been taking extra credits and a lot of credits were accepted in the transfer.

I had not really thought of this OP, but, it is not a bad plan. Your kid is a good student. Encourage her to keep focus on getting enough credits to graduate and emphasize that you are there to support her when she is done. Does she have a job? If she has the bandwidth for a very parttime job (8-10 hours per week), that might also help keep her mind off other problems.

OP here. Wanted to say I really do appreciate the tough criticism present on DCUM when it is accompanied by suggestions.

Anonymous wrote:F no!

I found myself unhappy at a large, somewhat competitive private at the start of my junior year. Rather than transfer, I decided that my junior year would be my senior year. It wasn't the Herculean effort one might think, and I stayed the summer beyond my third year to finish up some classes. I also spent that third year securing a job through on campus recruiting. By july, I was working full-time, and 2 years later I went off to a graduate school with a completely different vibe from my undergrad.

I know everyone's situation is different, but we're sharing perspectives here, so I'm giving mine. I don't like transferring to begin with. Unless the situation is truly awful, it's okay to live with some discomfort. I just think people have the bar for that, way too low, in general. Life has its ebbs and flows and you should move forward, not add unnecessary complication. It would take a lot to convince me that my kids should transfer once, but twice? Totally out of the question. Unless there is a very, very compelling reason.

OP here. This is actually the other option (finishing ASAP). DC has been taking extra credits and a lot of credits were accepted in the transfer.

F no!

I found myself unhappy at a large, somewhat competitive private at the start of my junior year. Rather than transfer, I decided that my junior year would be my senior year. It wasn't the Herculean effort one might think, and I stayed the summer beyond my third year to finish up some classes. I also spent that third year securing a job through on campus recruiting. By july, I was working full-time, and 2 years later I went off to a graduate school with a completely different vibe from my undergrad.

I know everyone's situation is different, but we're sharing perspectives here, so I'm giving mine. I don't like transferring to begin with. Unless the situation is truly awful, it's okay to live with some discomfort. I just think people have the bar for that, way too low, in general. Life has its ebbs and flows and you should move forward, not add unnecessary complication. It would take a lot to convince me that my kids should transfer once, but twice? Totally out of the question. Unless there is a very, very compelling reason.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to harp on you OP, but students always have to find their own rentals for themselves. Who else would do it? Should we assume she cannot stay in the dorm? Can you help her find a rental? Can you travel to see her and check out a few apartments with her? If this is all too overwhelming for her, bring her home. Good luck.

OP here. There are other issues at play, but you’re right and this is a great suggestion. I will consider doing this.

One other thought, OP - have you gone through the disability office to see what kinds of accommodations are available? I have a friend who was able to get a single on campus room for three years after her disability diagnosis was properly filed, even as no other seniors (w/o accommodations) could live on campus.

I would be fine with her coming home as long as she seeks a therapist (I would be willing to pay and help find the therapist). Your daughter is doing great in school if she has a 3.4+.

Anonymous wrote:Not to harp on you OP, but students always have to find their own rentals for themselves. Who else would do it? Should we assume she cannot stay in the dorm? Can you help her find a rental? Can you travel to see her and check out a few apartments with her? If this is all too overwhelming for her, bring her home. Good luck.

OP here. There are other issues at play, but you’re right and this is a great suggestion. I will consider doing this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would allow it but I'd be concerned.

OP here. DC is also considering taking time off to work, but I worry they’ll never go back if they do.

I wouldn't agree to that. Why are they unhappy? Can you get tutors? Therapist? Visit?

OP here. DC is doing okay (above a 3.4) academically, but she had no idea what a nightmare the housing climate would be in the town. Turns out we didn’t do our research and it’s a really wealthy, expensive suburban town where you have to find your own rentals. DC has always had severe sensory issues that have been exacerbated, and basically DC is too, I don’t know how to say this, fragile to deal with having to find housing in this way. DC basically needs to either live alone in a quiet area or in our house.

DC is also experiencing extreme homesickness.

This explanation is concerning. Finding an apartment should not be the deal-breaker. You could go do that with her in a weekend. But I’m guessing that’s just an example? Or the tip of the iceberg? I think having her at home sounds like a good idea but work on making sure she knows she didn’t come home because you thought she couldn’t find an apartment! As I’m sure you’re aware, she will need to do that in 2 years in the real world.