Anonymous wrote:I will never forget a trip to the Washington Zoo with my son's kindergarten class. I watched this boy literally walk across the park benches, stepping over the people sitting on them as his mother followed him around going "Benches are for sitting." We still joke about this woman.

My problem with a lot of this advice is that I had 3 kids under the age of four and a husband who was deployed a lot. If I didn't say hurry up we never would have made it to the store before it closed. (This was in Europe where things weren't open 24/7). I always had trouble with 'remove the tantrumming child from the store and go home and try again another day' advice. If I did that, we wouldn't have eaten.

It feels like a lot of this advice is written by really wealthy women who either have one child or a lot of childcare help and a lot of resources. (I.E. The idea of giving children food choices presupposes that there is enough food around the home for people to have choices which wasn't the case in my husband's immigrant household growing up.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just skimmed the article, so I could be off base, but I'm not sure if our definitions of gentle parenting are the same.

I have a child who is extremely anxious. When she says she is too anxious to go to school, I am gentle and understanding, but I make her go to school.

When I am angry, I don't bottle up my emotions, but I also don't take my anger out on my kids or suggest that they are somehow the cause of my anger.

If my kid doesn't want to do an assignment, I don't make them do an assignment, but I also wouldn't dream of shielding them from the teacher's consequences of not handing in the assignment.

I don't yell at my kid when they don't do their chores, but I do stand next to them and keep asking them to do their chores until they do them, rather than just not giving my kids chores.

My approach is really not outcome-based, it's more needs-based, which is why I'm generally attracted to the idea of gentle parenting. And so much of what kids need is boundaries, guidance through difficult times (rather than help avoiding difficult times), and allowing kids to fail.

So, I dunno. I wonder if it's hard to talk about gentle parenting because the terms aren't firmly defined.

NO, this is not what the author means by gentle parenting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just skimmed the article, so I could be off base, but I'm not sure if our definitions of gentle parenting are the same.

I have a child who is extremely anxious. When she says she is too anxious to go to school, I am gentle and understanding, but I make her go to school.

When I am angry, I don't bottle up my emotions, but I also don't take my anger out on my kids or suggest that they are somehow the cause of my anger.

If my kid doesn't want to do an assignment, I don't make them do an assignment, but I also wouldn't dream of shielding them from the teacher's consequences of not handing in the assignment.

I don't yell at my kid when they don't do their chores, but I do stand next to them and keep asking them to do their chores until they do them, rather than just not giving my kids chores.

My approach is really not outcome-based, it's more needs-based, which is why I'm generally attracted to the idea of gentle parenting. And so much of what kids need is boundaries, guidance through difficult times (rather than help avoiding difficult times), and allowing kids to fail.

So, I dunno. I wonder if it's hard to talk about gentle parenting because the terms aren't firmly defined.

Agree with this, maybe there is an aspect to gentle parenting that is little or extreme or permissive that people associate it with, but this is very much how i have heard it being implemented. Another name for it is Authoritative Parenting, which i think people will have more time accepting bc it sounds stronger. But ultimately it is the same concept of being empathetic and responsive to emotional needs, while holding strong boundaries and allowing for natural consequences in many situations.

In the cited article, Authoritative Parenting is specifically cited as not gentle parenting.

As an "Authoritative Parent", I used to listen to Janet Lansbury but it wasn't me. I can empathize with a toddler but in general, I don't think it's healthy for them to be in charge. My kids love to push boundaries and break rules (they both have ADHD, fwiw), but they also need rules and boundaries to know where they are and what to fight against. Until they've figured out the rules, they are very unhappy/anxious.

Anonymous wrote:I think empathy, modeling the behavior you want to see, and getting away from shame all make sense, but also think there are some parts of gentle parenting philosophy that are actively bad for parents and kids.

I think advice that tells parents (moms) that they can't express a full range of emotions is really problematic (the go in the garage and scream in a pillow rather than show frustration or anger in front of your child-to me that is messed up.

More harmful to me as the parent of a kid with anxiety is the constant smoothing of the path for kids. The experts in my life keep stressing that my role as a parent is to help my kid build distress tolerance. Kids need to know that they can hear "no" and they will be okay, that someone can be angry at them and they will be okay. If you don't have those small experiences of suffering and recovering through childhood-how do you get to a place where failing a test in college, or getting negative feedback from a boss is something you accept, recover, and work through. I see young people in my life who do not seem to be able to navigate even small adversities without falling apart and I wonder if there is a connection to this style of parenting.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mental health professional and loved this article. There is a lot to like in gentle parenting but the ideas that parents should constantly disguise their emotional state is a big problem. There’s a world of difference between “you make mommy sad!” and a gauzy, cooing “it seems like you’re having such a good time hitting mommy in the face with your train’” type response. Also, the part about hitting the little sister was perfect example of the excesses/absurdity of the gentle parenting ethos.

Anonymous wrote:I thought the article was interesting and I do think she highlights the problems with the way gentle parenting can be if you buy into like a cult and use it to shame parents (mostly moms). But honestly, you can use anything for that -- they were shaming moms back in the 80s, too, and gentle parenting wasn't a thing back then.

I don't identify with the complaints she has about making the child the center of the universe or attending to their every emotional need. I don't feel that way at all. To me, gentle parenting is a set of tools for keeping myself calm as a parent, especially when I'm tired or overstressed or my kid is really pushing me to the end. Like one of the biggest things I've gotten out of gentle parenting guidance is that if I feel myself getting angry or pushed to to an edge, to train myself to say to my kid "I'm feeling really upset and need a minute. I'm going to go be alone for a little while and listen to some music, and then we will talk about this." It's not about centering my kid's emotions at all -- it's about learning to control mine and give myself what I need in order to respond calmly to challenges. And added benefit -- when my kid hears me say this and sees me do this, she learns to calmly express her feelings and let us know when she needs space. It's a win-win and I don't feel enslaved to her inner life at all.

But I also grew up in a house where yelling, crying, guilt-tripping, and physical abuse were the standard parenting methods for dealing with stress and challenges. I think gentle parenting approaches are necessary for people who grew up like I did because we basically have to reparent ourselves-- we can't rely on what our parents modeled for us as "good enough". We are sort of reinventing the wheel. I think if you grew up in a safe and happy environment, gentle parenting may not make sense to you because emotional regulation might come naturally to you. That sounds awesome, but it's not an option for me. I need tools for this, and stuff like "mindful parenting" offers them because it doesn't assume I'm just naturally an even keel person. It assumes I have work to do, which is true, and gives me ways to do that work.

I honestly think most gentle parenting proponents are either people from similar backgrounds to mine or therapists who have worked with lots of people like me. I don't really think it's meant as a universal approach. For people with past trauma, its' great.

Anonymous wrote:All I know is the parents who didn’t say no and refused to sleep train, delayed potty training or enforce basic rules ended up with kids with behavioral problems. Their kids don’t seem to be doing well at all.

Anonymous wrote:I just skimmed the article, so I could be off base, but I'm not sure if our definitions of gentle parenting are the same.

I have a child who is extremely anxious. When she says she is too anxious to go to school, I am gentle and understanding, but I make her go to school.

When I am angry, I don't bottle up my emotions, but I also don't take my anger out on my kids or suggest that they are somehow the cause of my anger.

If my kid doesn't want to do an assignment, I don't make them do an assignment, but I also wouldn't dream of shielding them from the teacher's consequences of not handing in the assignment.

I don't yell at my kid when they don't do their chores, but I do stand next to them and keep asking them to do their chores until they do them, rather than just not giving my kids chores.

My approach is really not outcome-based, it's more needs-based, which is why I'm generally attracted to the idea of gentle parenting. And so much of what kids need is boundaries, guidance through difficult times (rather than help avoiding difficult times), and allowing kids to fail.

So, I dunno. I wonder if it's hard to talk about gentle parenting because the terms aren't firmly defined.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just skimmed the article, so I could be off base, but I'm not sure if our definitions of gentle parenting are the same.

I have a child who is extremely anxious. When she says she is too anxious to go to school, I am gentle and understanding, but I make her go to school.

When I am angry, I don't bottle up my emotions, but I also don't take my anger out on my kids or suggest that they are somehow the cause of my anger.

If my kid doesn't want to do an assignment, I don't make them do an assignment, but I also wouldn't dream of shielding them from the teacher's consequences of not handing in the assignment.

I don't yell at my kid when they don't do their chores, but I do stand next to them and keep asking them to do their chores until they do them, rather than just not giving my kids chores.

My approach is really not outcome-based, it's more needs-based, which is why I'm generally attracted to the idea of gentle parenting. And so much of what kids need is boundaries, guidance through difficult times (rather than help avoiding difficult times), and allowing kids to fail.

So, I dunno. I wonder if it's hard to talk about gentle parenting because the terms aren't firmly defined.

Agree with this, maybe there is an aspect to gentle parenting that is little or extreme or permissive that people associate it with, but this is very much how i have heard it being implemented. Another name for it is Authoritative Parenting, which i think people will have more time accepting bc it sounds stronger. But ultimately it is the same concept of being empathetic and responsive to emotional needs, while holding strong boundaries and allowing for natural consequences in many situations.

Anonymous wrote:I just skimmed the article, so I could be off base, but I'm not sure if our definitions of gentle parenting are the same.

I have a child who is extremely anxious. When she says she is too anxious to go to school, I am gentle and understanding, but I make her go to school.

When I am angry, I don't bottle up my emotions, but I also don't take my anger out on my kids or suggest that they are somehow the cause of my anger.

If my kid doesn't want to do an assignment, I don't make them do an assignment, but I also wouldn't dream of shielding them from the teacher's consequences of not handing in the assignment.

I don't yell at my kid when they don't do their chores, but I do stand next to them and keep asking them to do their chores until they do them, rather than just not giving my kids chores.

My approach is really not outcome-based, it's more needs-based, which is why I'm generally attracted to the idea of gentle parenting. And so much of what kids need is boundaries, guidance through difficult times (rather than help avoiding difficult times), and allowing kids to fail.

So, I dunno. I wonder if it's hard to talk about gentle parenting because the terms aren't firmly defined.