We have family that does this for business travel. With no advanced notice. It’s fine on occasion, but they abuse our hospitality and are also messy/disruptive houseguests.

Break the cycle. Take you family and go out of town for a few weekends and tell mom the house is closed. Even better if you can arrange intrusive painters or something to make the place inhabitable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go away for the weekend. Leave Thursday night. Do not leave a key. Tell her as you’re leaving town that evening.

And then the next weekend, tell her that your friend from college is coming into town, so there’s no room for her. Mom will have to get a hotel.

And then the third weekend, tell her the house is getting painted. After 3 weeks of having to make other arrangements, tell her that it’s not working for her to come stay with you. Not on air mattress or a couch. Not for a night. By then you will have enjoyed some time away from her and had the resolve to deal with her drama. And she will have figured out what it looks like to make other arrangements.

This.
Also, invite people over for dinner or long afternoon BBQ. Especially people she may not like. Put her to task for entertaining. ("Mother, can you be in charge of grilling?") Better yet, put her on the cleanup task.

YES! Hang out in the living room. Have friends who are loud and will stay late. 😬

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go away for the weekend. Leave Thursday night. Do not leave a key. Tell her as you’re leaving town that evening.

And then the next weekend, tell her that your friend from college is coming into town, so there’s no room for her. Mom will have to get a hotel.

And then the third weekend, tell her the house is getting painted. After 3 weeks of having to make other arrangements, tell her that it’s not working for her to come stay with you. Not on air mattress or a couch. Not for a night. By then you will have enjoyed some time away from her and had the resolve to deal with her drama. And she will have figured out what it looks like to make other arrangements.

This.
Also, invite people over for dinner or long afternoon BBQ. Especially people she may not like. Put her to task for entertaining. ("Mother, can you be in charge of grilling?") Better yet, put her on the cleanup task.

Anonymous wrote:Go away for the weekend. Leave Thursday night. Do not leave a key. Tell her as you’re leaving town that evening.

And then the next weekend, tell her that your friend from college is coming into town, so there’s no room for her. Mom will have to get a hotel.

And then the third weekend, tell her the house is getting painted. After 3 weeks of having to make other arrangements, tell her that it’s not working for her to come stay with you. Not on air mattress or a couch. Not for a night. By then you will have enjoyed some time away from her and had the resolve to deal with her drama. And she will have figured out what it looks like to make other arrangements.

Go away for the weekend. Leave Thursday night. Do not leave a key. Tell her as you’re leaving town that evening.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is her life, why does she live hours away?

It’s complicated, but basically because she wants to. She knew she would be driving back and forth each week when she moved, and she did it anyway. I wouldn’t want to do it, but she says she likes it.

I mean she likes it because you have allowed her to use your home as a hotel. If she had to get a hotel room every week she probably wouldn’t like it so much. Tantrums and drama aside, you need to tell her that with the smaller space she can’t spend every weekend bunking on your couch.

Anonymous wrote:If this is her life, why does she live hours away?

It’s complicated, but basically because she wants to. She knew she would be driving back and forth each week when she moved, and she did it anyway. I wouldn’t want to do it, but she says she likes it.

If this is her life, why does she live hours away?

I remember feeling this way about my Exes mom for a while, until I thought about the situation. Her being there gave me a much needed break from my kids.

She recently passed away. I would give anything for a pop up now.

Count your blessings!

Anonymous wrote:Imagine the answers if this was her MIL. That being said, set boundaries but get a proper bed in guest room. Woman kept you in her tummy for 9 months and in her home for 18+ and she is coming for her appointments. Is there a way for her to move these appointments near her own house?

If this were her MIL, the answers would be that her husband needs to have a conversation with his mother.

Imagine the answers if this was her MIL. That being said, set boundaries but get a proper bed in guest room. Woman kept you in her tummy for 9 months and in her home for 18+ and she is coming for her appointments. Is there a way for her to move these appointments near her own house?

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to do that thing I hate when other people do it, but what did you think would happen when you moved to a smaller place? It sounds like she had some sort of seperate space at your old house. If this has been going on for years, was that not a consideration when looking for a new home?

It would have been nice to maintain the same space, we just couldn't afford it.

Anonymous wrote:Move to a different location far away from her AA meetings?

Sorry, OP, I've got nothing short of a heated discussion and consequent distancing. I had to resort to that with my mother. I went no contact for 6 months. She now behaves SO MUCH BETTER, because she knows I follow through when she doesn't.

This. Unfortunately, you will have to have uncomfortable conversations with your mom if you want it to change. I had to do this with my parents and brother after years of abusive treatment. Once I told them they will not be able to see my kids unless they change their behavior, things have been very different. I’m not saying your mom is abusive but you mentioned she could get angry if you are honest with her. You may have to see what happens if you want it to change. Try in the gentlest of terms initially and if that doesn’t work, just be brutally honest, that you need that time as just your family. She may be angry but eventually will get over it. I guess the first step is deciding what you can tolerate and than communicating that to her. Good luck.

What do you need to do?

Be okay with the tantrum/stonewalling/drama. Embrace the conflict as a price you are okay paying for your happiness at home.

Everything has a price. If there was a cheaper way to get what you want, you’d have already done it. The real question for you is whether your happiness is worth it.