Anonymous
Post 03/08/2022 12:09     Subject: My husband is so disappointed in our son
Anonymous wrote:It’s ruining our marriage. 18 year old senior in high school. Definitely had challenges from the beginning. DH is old school and never really tried to understand him. He also was gone a ton with work travel, which didn’t help. My son has a lot of wonderful things about him but he’s not the go getter, disciplined person his father is. He’s made some poor choices, likes marijuana etc. however, he has good friends, he is going to a good college next fall. I just don’t know how to reconcile my husband’s feelings, which have sn undercurrent of blame toward me as in, he’d be a different person if I weren’t so empathic, weak, or whatever.


I would still love my kid but I would be disappointed in them too if they were using drugs, especially with some level of regularity as appears to be the case here. I wouldn't mind if my kid wasn't super ambitious but I would mind if they were lazy or entitled, can't tell if that's the case here (going to a good college suggests not, hard to tell).

On the bright side, I bet a lot of this fades away once your kid goes to college because you won't be seeing them very often so really the only measure of hard work or not will adequate performance on the grades.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2022 11:42     Subject: My husband is so disappointed in our son
Anonymous wrote:It’s ruining our marriage. 18 year old senior in high school. Definitely had challenges from the beginning. DH is old school and never really tried to understand him. He also was gone a ton with work travel, which didn’t help. My son has a lot of wonderful things about him but he’s not the go getter, disciplined person his father is. He’s made some poor choices, likes marijuana etc. however, he has good friends, he is going to a good college next fall. I just don’t know how to reconcile my husband’s feelings, which have sn undercurrent of blame toward me as in, he’d be a different person if I weren’t so empathic, weak, or whatever.


I know a family so much like yours, I swear I know your dh. The guy I know is a jerk and a bully and his older son, who I'm certain has learning disabilities, was a target for his derision. The younger son is known at many of the schools here as a horrible bully. Guess which kid he loves. This guy also is a financial abuser and treats his wife with derision in front of the rest of us.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2022 10:19     Subject: Re:My husband is so disappointed in our son
I've found that people use the term old school to NOT mean old fashioned as it is intended.

They use it in place of "terrible person" "unreasonable" or in many cases "racist".

Like, "my grandma is very old school when it comes to people of color." Grandma is a racist.

"DH is old school" actually means DH is a shitty father.

Anonymous
Post 03/08/2022 09:48     Subject: My husband is so disappointed in our son
My dad was like this with my brother. Nothing was ever good enough. Guess what? My brother is now estranged from the family. He doesn't even contact my mom and my DS has never met him.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2022 09:09     Subject: My husband is so disappointed in our son
Don't spend too much time blaming each other. Two person is always at fault when a relationship fail. Now, it's 3 because your son is older. He can think on his own.

What can you do to make things right for each other. If you can't meet each other's need, don't waste time on the relationship. If you are already thinking you don't want to spend more time thinking about the relationship, accept you have to part ways. Sometimes people blame others for their own short comings. Make a list if you have to.

What can both of you do for your son as parents. HOW can you be there for him. Yes, one of you travel all the time, but heck, the phone is there isn't it.

Anonymous
Post 03/07/2022 20:54     Subject: My husband is so disappointed in our son
I don't know. I'd be pretty disappointed if my kids picked up pot smoking in HS. It would go against everything I tried to teach them and model. There's nothing wrong with feeling this way. It wouldn't mean I don't love my children and hope for better.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2022 20:41     Subject: My husband is so disappointed in our son
Anonymous wrote:OP here

I probably to some degree blame his travel and lacking EQ to contributing to the challenges with DS (to be fair)


Then you’re both wrong. You can guide your kids. You can offer them opportunities. You can give them therapy and drug treatment. You can send the. To the best schools available. But ultimately you can’t make them into who you want them to be. They will be who they are meant to be.

You are lucky that this kid that you both blame each other for who he is has turned out to be pretty amazing. College. Friends. No legal issues that you’ve mentioned. Both of you should start counting your blessings.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2022 20:15     Subject: My husband is so disappointed in our son
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, if I were you, I would tell your husband that he is a disappointment to you in terms of the kind of father you want for your child, one that loves him unconditionally and loves him for him not for what he achieves or how much he is like his father.

What a disappointing father he is.

You won worst advice of the day. Congratulation

why, it's the truth, isn't it? He gets to tell OP how he feels, but she doesn't get to tell her husband how she feels?

But, I would protect my kids no matter what, even from their douche of a dad if it comes to it.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2022 20:12     Subject: My husband is so disappointed in our son
Anonymous wrote:OP, if I were you, I would tell your husband that he is a disappointment to you in terms of the kind of father you want for your child, one that loves him unconditionally and loves him for him not for what he achieves or how much he is like his father.

What a disappointing father he is.

You won worst advice of the day. Congratulation
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2022 20:02     Subject: Re:My husband is so disappointed in our son
I have a similar kid but single mom. I’m dealing with my disappointment and trying to get to the other side a let go.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2022 19:14     Subject: Re:My husband is so disappointed in our son
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think ppl are being a super mean to OP. Your kid's not perfect (most 18 yr olds aren't). He's going off to college. This could be a game changer. Your son might just grow up and and your DH might just relax once he's out of the house. I'd try to bring tensions down as much as possible and get that boy off to school. Then, re-group and see where your relationship with your DH is. Where I think you do need to assert yourself is in absorbing any toxic BS your DH sends your way. If he's venting about his disappointment and blaming you I'd come up with a 1-2 line response that you repeat every time that ends the discussion. Something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, perhaps you want to talk to a counselor about how we can improve our relationship with DS." Whatever he says in response, you repeat your line, rinse, repeat, don't otherwise engage and leave the room.

So, you agree.. OP is being a pushover, and letting her husband treat her like sh1t. Why should OP have to "absorb" any toxic sh1t at all from her husband?


I know how to draw boundaries without ending every relationship that needs them. Maybe OP should divorce, maybe she shouldn’t. I’m not going to pretend to know, but I do think she needs to put an end to the accepting the blame, alone, for her kid’s problems.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2022 19:11     Subject: My husband is so disappointed in our son
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What did you do to address the drug use and behavior problems? Or, did you just leave it for Dad to deal with when he returned home each trip so instead of spending quality time, Dad had to be disciplinarian and clean up the mess?

If the dad realized that there was a problem, why didn't he stay home more? He's old school, so he sees himself as the head of the household, right? A real man? Why doesn't the "real man" be a "real dad"?


+1
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2022 18:41     Subject: My husband is so disappointed in our son
Anonymous wrote:He blames you?!? He is a douche bag, I agree with pp. It is too late to do much about their relationship - you can’t cure a lifetime of dysfunction over the next few months. I would just disengage and ignore DH. He is a jerk! Have you considered divorce?


Did it ever occur to you that it takes two to tango? The OP is as responsible as her husband in the upbringing of their child. She can't pin this all on him. I am a wife and a mother, too. I get it. But OP needs to remember that when she points a finger at her husband then there are three fingers pointing right back at her. Playing the blame game now does their son a huge disservice. IMO she wouldn't be posting here if she hadn't bought in at least a little bit to her husband's "disappointment." Just sayin'.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2022 18:28     Subject: My husband is so disappointed in our son
Anonymous wrote:What did you do to address the drug use and behavior problems? Or, did you just leave it for Dad to deal with when he returned home each trip so instead of spending quality time, Dad had to be disciplinarian and clean up the mess?

If the dad realized that there was a problem, why didn't he stay home more? He's old school, so he sees himself as the head of the household, right? A real man? Why doesn't the "real man" be a "real dad"?
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2022 18:25     Subject: My husband is so disappointed in our son
Don't take the blame. Just love on your son harder. If your DH makes a comment, tell him you will not entertain it; end of discussion. I would probably also tell him (without anger) that his disappointment in your son is causing you to feel disappointment in him.