This is why it's so much better to have an only child. It's so selfish to have two kids who might not get along. How sad for those kids.








Just kidding. But now you know how parents of onlies feel when people hijack threads all the time to say dumb black and white stuff about family choices.

Your older daughter is going through puberty, I assume. That is going to make her hate most people in the family.

My sister and I are 3 years apart, and we FOR SURE had a rocky adolescence together. There were certainly times I thought she hated me (I was the younger one) and when I was sort of scared of her, but also desperately wanted her to TALK to me and want to be with me. She never really did, but as we got older, things got better.

I'd say the year she was a senior and I was a freshmen was a turning point. I knew she'd be leaving, and I was really sad about it. But we were also old enough to actually be friends a bit. She still didn't tell me much, but things shifted. Then I went to visit her at college a few times and that really helped cement a more mature bond between us.

I have never screamed "I hate you" at anyone in my life more than I screamed it at my sister during the time I was 9-13. So try not to get in the middle, encourage them to appreciate the good things about having a sibling, and ride it out.

No advice, but my kids hate eachother too.

No good advice - I have the same age gap, but mine are younger. Mine have adored each other since day 1. When did this issue start with your kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what happens when your older daughter tells your younger to shut up? That’s not ok and should have repercussions. And the older daughter is not the parents. She’s not in a position to take away a toy as punishment.

The older daughter sounds like more of a problem than the younger one.

This is how I'd deal with it. Older daughter isn't allowed to police the younger daughter. If she has an issue she can raise it nicely with an adult, but no yelling or meanness. She's not the parent and isn't queen. She doesn't get to decide what the younger one can or can't do. She doesn't get to decide what is annoying. That's not her call.

If older daughte asks for help nicely, I'd assist and redirect the younger one to be less annoying.

Oh, I also watch for the younger one to instigate and nip that in the bud before the older one even has to ask. She doesn't deserve to be purposely annoyed.

My kids typically get along great, but I set strong guardrails for conduct. No meanness allowed.

Your approach is very different than the PP’s. I agree with you(correct both), and think her opinion is appalling.

Anonymous wrote:Your older daughter is responding to younger daughter based off of what she has observed from you and DH, OP. Take a look at that and correct if needed. Their behavior towards each other is more about how you and DH treat them than it is about their relationship with each other.

This, kindness is taught and children reflect how their parents behaviors.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what happens when your older daughter tells your younger to shut up? That’s not ok and should have repercussions. And the older daughter is not the parents. She’s not in a position to take away a toy as punishment.

The older daughter sounds like more of a problem than the younger one.

the younger one seems annoying. I have a 8 year old, too, and she is not randomly singing and jumping all the time.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what happens when your older daughter tells your younger to shut up? That’s not ok and should have repercussions. And the older daughter is not the parents. She’s not in a position to take away a toy as punishment.

The older daughter sounds like more of a problem than the younger one.

You’re disgusting.

I’m disgusting because I think an older sibling should have repercussions if she tells a sibling to shut up?

Why can’t older sibling go to her bedroom and shut her door if she wants quiet?

I would keep them apart as much as humanly possible. Sleep away Summer camp for both at separate camps . If you can’t afford to send 2 all summer do 5 weeks one then 5 weeks the other so they don’t physically see each other all summer. In the meantime separate dinners.

Validate how your kids feel to each of them- that is one thing the book will tell you. It will not change things immediately or overnight. Your kids will feel seen and heard which will calm the big reactions a bit. Don’t belittle them- it’s not that bad, we are so lucky do you know how terrible some people have it right now, etc. That all may be well and true, but in the moment when the issue is heated, kids (and parents) are very self focused. Save those comments/lessons for a time when people are regulated.

Your older daughter is responding to younger daughter based off of what she has observed from you and DH, OP. Take a look at that and correct if needed. Their behavior towards each other is more about how you and DH treat them than it is about their relationship with each other.

Anonymous wrote:So what happens when your older daughter tells your younger to shut up? That’s not ok and should have repercussions. And the older daughter is not the parents. She’s not in a position to take away a toy as punishment.

The older daughter sounds like more of a problem than the younger one.

the younger one seems annoying. I have a 8 year old, too, and she is not randomly singing and jumping all the time.

2 DD Same as gap, way better at 12-14, all of a sudden

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what happens when your older daughter tells your younger to shut up? That’s not ok and should have repercussions. And the older daughter is not the parents. She’s not in a position to take away a toy as punishment.

The older daughter sounds like more of a problem than the younger one.

This is how I'd deal with it. Older daughter isn't allowed to police the younger daughter. If she has an issue she can raise it nicely with an adult, but no yelling or meanness. She's not the parent and isn't queen. She doesn't get to decide what the younger one can or can't do. She doesn't get to decide what is annoying. That's not her call.

If older daughte asks for help nicely, I'd assist and redirect the younger one to be less annoying.

Oh, I also watch for the younger one to instigate and nip that in the bud before the older one even has to ask. She doesn't deserve to be purposely annoyed.

My kids typically get along great, but I set strong guardrails for conduct. No meanness allowed.

I don't get inbthe middle and can be a bit stern. I tell them to work it out or the both lose privileges, which is normally screen time. Follow through of a week without screen time and you won't have happy bliss, but you can enjoy a peaceful meal together. When tempers start to boil over count in hours, then days of lost (fill in the blank that works for your kids).

On the flip side reward them when they are nice to eachother. We do Starbucks or popcorn with the family movie on the weekend.