I have two girls - older DD was a few months shy of turning 6 when younger DD was born. Older DD adored her little sister from the moment she was born, and it hasn't changed 3 years later. DH and I also both work full time.

What we do differently than you, OP, is we totally embrace divide and conquer. We carve out sometimes that we all spend as a family -- weeknight family dinners, brunches on weekends, outings like a hike, stuff like that. But a very substantial amount of our time is one parent with one kid. Everyone is happier -- the interactions and the outings are all more fun. I don't even understand why folks are resistant to it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to give kids some one on one time, but why is she expecting alone time with both parents focused on her? I am the third kid of five, and the only time we got this was once a year around our birthday, both parents took the kid out to eat alone. We did not feel deprived or think the family life should center around us. A family needs to factor in everyone’s needs. One kid should not get all or most of the focus.

The obvious question is whether the younger kid is getting both parents’ attention at once. But in any event, 5 kids is really different than 2 kids! Not sure the same expectations do or should apply.

I have zero logistically problems with giving each of my three kids alone time with mom and dad. It doesn’t mean that cumulatively, that child is getting “all or most of the focus” but it does mean that one-on-one time is doable and I think valuable.

I have a 10 year old daughter. Almost anything a 10 year old says is a snapshot of that moment in time. They aren’t thinking back over the last several weeks/months/years and considering all of the times x or y happened. Probably something happened that day where you chose the younger sibling over her, and she told her grandparents about it. And of course she seemed genuinely sad, and this was new to the grandparents. Kids’ brains undergo big changes around puberty and just before. She probably really legitimately does feel more sad and have more complex feelings about this than she has ever felt before. That’s not because the situation is so bad. It’s because her ability to feel these things is increasing and changing.


My daughter’s most recent thing was that that she had no one to sit next to at lunch. On further questioning, what she really meant was that her closest friend sat next to someone else, and she was jealous. At the same time, she realized she had been ignoring her other friends in favor of the best friend, and she was guilty. She WAS sad. And she didn’t feel that she had anyone she was comfortable sitting next to at lunch. But she needed to find a way to deal with these emotions, not change the situation. Bending over backwards would be the wrong move here.
It was very different than my older son with ASD who didn’t have anyone to sit next to at lunch. He really had no friends. He didn’t just need to manage his emotions. He needed the school and I to bend over backwards to change the situation.

I think you should sit down with your daughter and talk about these emotions. Bending over backwards to change the way that your family functions is probably not the best move here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have absolutely no idea about the actual chores being assigned to determine whether they are normal or outdated.

Well in my house my eldest (9) makes lunches for herself and middle kid (4) while middle helps me clean bottles for the baby and load the dishwasher. Eldest also helps put away laundry for all the kids. It seems like the PP who got the reaction about older kid “helping” probably meant something even lower key.

Really how do you know that? That’s so light; I don’t even count that as chores by the way. When people start talking about what goes on around the globe (which is what caused me to start posting) we’re not talking sandwiches and bottles.

How do you know what PP meant by chores is what I meant in the first sentence. Seems like it would be good to clarify.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have absolutely no idea about the actual chores being assigned to determine whether they are normal or outdated.

Well in my house my eldest (9) makes lunches for herself and middle kid (4) while middle helps me clean bottles for the baby and load the dishwasher. Eldest also helps put away laundry for all the kids. It seems like the PP who got the reaction about older kid “helping” probably meant something even lower key.

Really how do you know that? That’s so light; I don’t even count that as chores by the way. When people start talking about what goes on around the globe (which is what caused me to start posting) we’re not talking sandwiches and bottles.

Anonymous wrote:We have absolutely no idea about the actual chores being assigned to determine whether they are normal or outdated.

Well in my house my eldest (9) makes lunches for herself and middle kid (4) while middle helps me clean bottles for the baby and load the dishwasher. Eldest also helps put away laundry for all the kids. It seems like the PP who got the reaction about older kid “helping” probably meant something even lower key.

We have absolutely no idea about the actual chores being assigned to determine whether they are normal or outdated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she not interested in helping with her sister at all?

Its not her responsibility to be a mini-parent.

In my household all the kids do age-appropriate chores and helping younger kids certainly is on the list.

LOL! This is what Duggars do. They want older kids to become babysitters.

Anyways, I don't think OP will care that her child is sad.

It’s also what almost every family on the globe does.

One of the most interesting pieces of parenting wisdom I can remember (and probably from this board too!) is — you cannot chose to live in McLean Virginia and then get upset/be surprised that your children grow up compare themselves to other children of McLean and have the expectations of children living in McLean.

As the kid of immigrants, this was so crystallizing for me. And yes, I did tons and tons of care of a younger sibling. And I keep that responsibility pretty minimal on my older daughter.

And that’s why I don’t live in McLean. I didn’t want to raise kids who were brats. I live in a fairly rural part of Maryland. Our neighbors are a mix of blue and white collar. I don’t think it’s good to raise your kids in a rich bubble especially when you’re well off (and we are).

Neither do I actually. I was picking it to make the point in fewer words. The idea of what happens some other part of the world (or one’s parent childhood decades ago) never resonated with me as a reason for decisions today and may not with many of children of DCUM either.

Assigning older kids chores that relate to younger kids is normal in America, too. Maybe not in zip codes where the typical family has a nanny (whether or not they also have a SAHP). This isn’t some crazy outdated thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she not interested in helping with her sister at all?

Its not her responsibility to be a mini-parent.

In my household all the kids do age-appropriate chores and helping younger kids certainly is on the list.

LOL! This is what Duggars do. They want older kids to become babysitters.

Anyways, I don't think OP will care that her child is sad.

It’s also what almost every family on the globe does.

One of the most interesting pieces of parenting wisdom I can remember (and probably from this board too!) is — you cannot chose to live in McLean Virginia and then get upset/be surprised that your children grow up compare themselves to other children of McLean and have the expectations of children living in McLean.

As the kid of immigrants, this was so crystallizing for me. And yes, I did tons and tons of care of a younger sibling. And I keep that responsibility pretty minimal on my older daughter.

And that’s why I don’t live in McLean. I didn’t want to raise kids who were brats. I live in a fairly rural part of Maryland. Our neighbors are a mix of blue and white collar. I don’t think it’s good to raise your kids in a rich bubble especially when you’re well off (and we are).

Neither do I actually. I was picking it to make the point in fewer words. The idea of what happens some other part of the world (or one’s parent childhood decades ago) never resonated with me as a reason for decisions today and may not with many of children of DCUM either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she not interested in helping with her sister at all?

Its not her responsibility to be a mini-parent.

In my household all the kids do age-appropriate chores and helping younger kids certainly is on the list.

LOL! This is what Duggars do. They want older kids to become babysitters.

Anyways, I don't think OP will care that her child is sad.

It’s also what almost every family on the globe does.

One of the most interesting pieces of parenting wisdom I can remember (and probably from this board too!) is — you cannot chose to live in McLean Virginia and then get upset/be surprised that your children grow up compare themselves to other children of McLean and have the expectations of children living in McLean.

As the kid of immigrants, this was so crystallizing for me. And yes, I did tons and tons of care of a younger sibling. And I keep that responsibility pretty minimal on my older daughter.

And that’s why I don’t live in McLean. I didn’t want to raise kids who were brats. I live in a fairly rural part of Maryland. Our neighbors are a mix of blue and white collar. I don’t think it’s good to raise your kids in a rich bubble especially when you’re well off (and we are).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she not interested in helping with her sister at all?

Its not her responsibility to be a mini-parent.

In my household all the kids do age-appropriate chores and helping younger kids certainly is on the list.

LOL! This is what Duggars do. They want older kids to become babysitters.

Anyways, I don't think OP will care that her child is sad.

It’s also what almost every family on the globe does.

One of the most interesting pieces of parenting wisdom I can remember (and probably from this board too!) is — you cannot chose to live in McLean Virginia and then get upset/be surprised that your children grow up compare themselves to other children of McLean and have the expectations of children living in McLean.

As the kid of immigrants, this was so crystallizing for me. And yes, I did tons and tons of care of a younger sibling. And I keep that responsibility pretty minimal on my older daughter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she not interested in helping with her sister at all?

Its not her responsibility to be a mini-parent.

In my household all the kids do age-appropriate chores and helping younger kids certainly is on the list.

LOL! This is what Duggars do. They want older kids to become babysitters.

Anyways, I don't think OP will care that her child is sad.

It’s also what almost every family on the globe does.

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to give kids some one on one time, but why is she expecting alone time with both parents focused on her? I am the third kid of five, and the only time we got this was once a year around our birthday, both parents took the kid out to eat alone. We did not feel deprived or think the family life should center around us. A family needs to factor in everyone’s needs. One kid should not get all or most of the focus.

The obvious question is whether the younger kid is getting both parents’ attention at once. But in any event, 5 kids is really different than 2 kids! Not sure the same expectations do or should apply.

Anonymous wrote:We have a 7 yr gap and it is wonderful. Both kids love each other and are very sweet to each other. My oldest did not feel bad about the youngest sibling because she continued to get a lot of attention and love from both DH and me. We were doing different activities with both kids and both had different age group (and different gender) friends.

Maybe, it is a problem only when both kids are girls? I have a girl and a boy and they are super sweet to each other. But, my kids get a lot of attention at home and from family and friends. We are very involved parents with both kids.

God! I would have been heartbroken if one kid felt that we don't love them as much as the other kid. This is a parenting fail. Poor kid is telling her issues and sharing her feelings but parents are not even feeling ashamed instead are blaming the child.

I grew up with a seven year gap with the opposite gender sibling. No, that’s not the reason your household seems to be doing okay. It’s fundamentally about whether the parents are willing to meet each child where they are. OP has given us a lot of reasons in her post why things must tilt to the younger child, without a whole lot of acknowledgment that this negatively affects her older daughter and what she plans to do about it. Of course her older child is going to see and feel it.

It’s fine to give kids some one on one time, but why is she expecting alone time with both parents focused on her? I am the third kid of five, and the only time we got this was once a year around our birthday, both parents took the kid out to eat alone. We did not feel deprived or think the family life should center around us. A family needs to factor in everyone’s needs. One kid should not get all or most of the focus.