Anonymous wrote:"Mom, after the last vacation we took together in 2019, it's clear it's not a good idea. I want us to continue having a good relationship with you and vacationing together put such a strain on all of us that I don't want to risk our relationship that way. So DH and I are going to take the kids to New England this summer, just the four of us. But we'll look forward to seeing you the Saturday before Mother's Day and the Saturday before Father's Day (or whenever you'll see them)."

I would not say this. My kids are 11 and 14 and here’s what I frequently say to my parents. Mine don’t like locally, do yours? Mine get the idea about taking a big vacation together to Disney or Europe and it wouldn’t go well.

“The kids are older and need a lot of down time. They don’t even want to be around us for very long now! This vacation sounds like it would be nice but the reality of all of us together in one place for that long would not be pleasant for anyone. It would be wasting a lot of money. Remember when we were that age and how difficult we were in the middle school years? That’s our life now.” Then I switch the conversation to when we will see them and how we will have fun.

Anonymous wrote:As my parents aged, one of the things we did was to go to the same place, but didn’t feel obligated to stay together all the time. People ate breakfast when they wanted to, maybe did one activity together (or boys and girls split up), and then had dinner together sometimes but not all the time. But we each understood that we were each going to do our own vacation and meet up sometimes. Not full togetherness.

This could be a good middle ground. Maybe not for this trip, but something to consider...

As my parents aged, one of the things we did was to go to the same place, but didn’t feel obligated to stay together all the time. People ate breakfast when they wanted to, maybe did one activity together (or boys and girls split up), and then had dinner together sometimes but not all the time. But we each understood that we were each going to do our own vacation and meet up sometimes. Not full togetherness.

Not saying you should vacation with them but do they expect you to do everything together or do you expect that? In 2019 did they go back to the hotel while your family kept doing their own thing?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, after the last vacation we took together in 2019, it's clear it's not a good idea. I want us to continue having a good relationship with you and vacationing together put such a strain on all of us that I don't want to risk our relationship that way. So DH and I are going to take the kids to New England this summer, just the four of us. But we'll look forward to seeing you the Saturday before Mother's Day and the Saturday before Father's Day (or whenever you'll see them)."

This is perfect. Clear is kind.

This is not perfect. It's condensing and rude.

I'd be honest but nice about it--let them know your kids are at an age where they can do active vacations, whereas your parents are more routine driven which doesn't work for the stage you are in life. I guess alternatively, you could have a blunt conversation about how it went last time, how they left early to watch jeopardy or whatever on your dad's birthday, and that if you vacation together you'll be doing your own thing and not beholden to their retirement routine. Just be honest but not mean is my two cents.

"No (thank you)." is a compete sentence. No need to go into a long explanation

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you still live under their roof? Do they pay your bills? Do they clean up after you? Probably not…
Just say what you gotta say to them and be done with it. It’s not rocket science. 🤦‍♂️

You sound pleasant!

I’m direct and don’t sugarcoat things like most people do.

No explanation or reason needed. Just say you are planning a vacation for just the 4 of you this summer. If they press you, say your nuclear family really needs a vacation together just you.

If you can, plan a different time you can go visit them or they can visit you so you also have some Time together just not a vacation together.