Anonymous wrote:This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

This... My parents split up when I was 10 and both eventually remarried. Over the years, they all learned to get along and eventually actually liked each other. But the main consideration is that I would not attend events if the adults acted out. They all realized that behaving well meant joint birthdays, school programs, graduations and weddings. Otherwise, nope.

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

This. Do not start holding 2 different events for every single milestone. If they can't get along, BOTH OF THEM, then whoever throws the first dig misses the next event. Then you can rotate for a bit unless you get some promises of good behavior.

Consequences: If you dare to ruin my child’s birthday party, you will not be invited to future celebrations.

-team NO separate parties

The only time my dh’s divorced parents have gotten together with us was at our wedding, Dh and BIL’s college graduations and med school graduations. I can’t think of another time we were altogether.

FIL is remarried and he does not bring her to the events. He wasn’t remarried yet when we got married but they were dating. He flew in for BIL’s graduations without his wife.

I grew up in a family like this. Separate parties are your friend, trust me!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

I agree, but it's been like this for as long as I can remember. Sadly, my mom is the main aggressor that's why I wanted to do something separate with her.

What consequences have you really imposed? Have you told anyone they couldn’t attend something or do you keep doing double celebrations?

You can make this as hard or as easy on yourself as you want. Set the rules and consequences or navigate this for the rest of your life.

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

+1 my brother did this and the adults learned to behave

You have a lifetime ahead of you with birthdays, holidays and child activities. I would not set a precedent of separate parties. Inform everyone involved that the others are invited too and that you expect good behavior or they will be excluded the next time. They are adults and should behave accordingly. Boundaries.

It’s your party, your kid and your parents. You know best what your mother is capable of. From what you’ve written, it would be best to do something separate with your mom. If the birthday is during the week, have your mom there for dinner and cupcake with your child. Then have the party on the weekend without mom.

If your mom says anything, share that her actions in the past have led you to a place where you have to manage her. Tell her that you’d be happy to include her with everyone for the next event with the understanding that if there is one sliver of negativity from her, it will be the last event she is invited to.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! What is with calling the stepmom a bonus mom? Ridiculous. You can't stand your own mother then why go around calling someone else a bonus mom when she has not birthed you?

+1. OP your mom sounds really difficult but the whole “bonus mom” thing is really grating. I’ve had two stepmoms and a stepdad who is like another father to me but I wouldn’t rub this in my dad‘s face, especially if he had trouble with it. Anyway agree with other posters that you guys need to stop with the double events. You claim you’re in the middle of this but to be honest it sounds like you’re stoking the conflict by keeping everything alive. Tell everyone they have to behave and eject people that don’t. Sounds simplistic I know but you have to simplify this. Your parents’ divorce was their stuff. Don’t make it yours. You have your own family now and need to set the rules.

Ugh! What is with calling the stepmom a bonus mom? Ridiculous. You can't stand your own mother then why go around calling someone else a bonus mom when she has not birthed you?

Wut? No, call every adult and say that you expect people to attend your kid's events and behave themselves. If they can't help fighting then they are not invited and they will be asked to leave and not allowed to be part of your kid's life.

That is it.

My parents are divorced and my mother is a difficult personality. When my siblings and I started having kids, it seemed the right thing to do was to include both mom and dad at events like birthdays and holidays. However after several years and tons of drama, we decided to always keep them separate, but also try to keep it even, like if one of them gets Thanksgiving, then the other one gets Christmas, etc.

Some events they will both have to be invited, like a wedding or graduation. And both of them might choose to attend the same sporting event. Fine. But whenever possible, only one is invited.

We could count on my dad to behave well, but not mom. It did not seem fair to subject him and his girlfriend to having to spend time with her. My poor dad deserves some peace.

Anonymous wrote:Why are you inviting your dad instead of your mom? Perhaps neither then to be fair. Or, do you have closer relationship with your dad? It sounds like that.

If you were to share your concerns with your mom in that you understand she is hurt, angry, whatever at your dad but this is your ds birthday and you’d like both there - is she comfortable with that and can agree to attend bit not engage. Do you think she would give you an honest answer?

I've been closer to my dad since their divorce. My mom didn't take it well (and still hasn't gotten over it) and spent most of my teen years taking her frustration out on me. We're in a better place now, but she turns into a monster when my dad and bonus mom come around. In her mind, I shouldn't include them in any events in my life because he ruined hers almost 30 years ago. It's really hard to be in the middle of this.

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

I agree, but it's been like this for as long as I can remember. Sadly, my mom is the main aggressor that's why I wanted to do something separate with her.