Anonymous
Post 02/20/2022 14:31     Subject: Re:s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The person in question does not have to be on Ancestry or 23. After taking the test, connect yourself to anyone you match with, 3rd cousin, etc., that and you don't recognize, then work from there using census records, address books, FB, family trees that have been posted, etc. She is there, you just have to research.


This doesn't make sense to me. Yes, OP will find all sorts of cousins and can trace backward to find their ancestors in common. But they can't use those cousins to find an untested adoptee.


They absolutely can find a person..adoptee or parent. This is exactly how all adoptees do this.This is how adoption forensic searchers do this. You may not have experience with records and DNA. I found both of my biological parents, both deceased BTW, who had no DNA records anywhere by finding a 2nd cousin for one side and 4th cousin on the other side... with
a laptop and a cup of coffee. It is just basic detective work.
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2022 14:18     Subject: s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Here is a website with some ideas.
https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/search/records/

I think it's great you are doing this and I hope you find your sibling!


I disagree. OP has no right to butt into someone else's life to satisfy her morbid curiosity. Leave it be. If your mother had wanted to pursue this then she would have done so. Again, do not interfere in their life!


Wanting to know your own sibling is not “morbid curiosity”. It is a normal human emotion. Family is family. A sibling relationship is one more the most important relationships someone can have. My sister and I were separated for 45 years, but she is now one of the 5 closest relationships I have in my life. Nothing about that is “morbid”. It is fundamental. It is primal. Family bonds being ripped apart by adoption is a very new phenomenon in human history. Our current adoption industry based on profits, coercion, secrecy, and the complete erasure of a child’s original identity is less than 100 years old. It is NOT normal. And it is not “morbid” for people to feel a keen need to find their lost family members. As keen as if they had been stolen, which in many families they were.


+1,000,000

YES!

- signed, an adoptee who was stolen
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2022 14:13     Subject: Re:s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
I'm the PP who learned about my half-sister. My only purpose in writing was to alert OP that there could be people who find out things that were in the dark, and my experience with that. Maybe my post sounded selfish, I was writing about this one instance in my life. I understand how traumatic the adoption was for my mother...my heart broke for her when she told me what happened. She provided a few details about that time in her life and I cannot imagine having to make the choices she did. My parents aren't awful people...as I've gotten older I can see how they both have some FOO issues and how those issues have led to a severe avoidance of conflict and change. I agree with some PP how my mom (and dad) could benefit from therapy but after making many overtures regarding that over the years, I accept that will not ever happen. I love my parents, they were making the best decisions they could at the time with the information they had, just like most of us are. And while I am in a much better place than I was a couple of years ago, what happened still stings occasionally. The plus is I now have someone new in my life I am slowly getting to know.

This thread has given a lot for me to think about, thank you.
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2022 12:12     Subject: Re:s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Anonymous wrote:The person in question does not have to be on Ancestry or 23. After taking the test, connect yourself to anyone you match with, 3rd cousin, etc., that and you don't recognize, then work from there using census records, address books, FB, family trees that have been posted, etc. She is there, you just have to research.


This doesn't make sense to me. Yes, OP will find all sorts of cousins and can trace backward to find their ancestors in common. But they can't use those cousins to find an untested adoptee.
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2022 11:59     Subject: s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Anonymous wrote:If your mother is alive you need to let this be her decision or the decision of the person placed for adoption. You can NOT drive this - that's inappropriate.


[Np ] You must have missed this bit of info.

My mother wrote to the agency in the 90s to have her information on file if the child was looking to connect .[/b]
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2022 10:25     Subject: s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Here is a website with some ideas.
https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/search/records/

I think it's great you are doing this and I hope you find your sibling!


I disagree. OP has no right to butt into someone else's life to satisfy her morbid curiosity. Leave it be. If your mother had wanted to pursue this then she would have done so. Again, do not interfere in their life!


Wanting to know your own sibling is not “morbid curiosity”. It is a normal human emotion. Family is family. A sibling relationship is one more the most important relationships someone can have. My sister and I were separated for 45 years, but she is now one of the 5 closest relationships I have in my life. Nothing about that is “morbid”. It is fundamental. It is primal. Family bonds being ripped apart by adoption is a very new phenomenon in human history. Our current adoption industry based on profits, coercion, secrecy, and the complete erasure of a child’s original identity is less than 100 years old. It is NOT normal. And it is not “morbid” for people to feel a keen need to find their lost family members. As keen as if they had been stolen, which in many families they were.
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2022 10:18     Subject: s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If your mother is alive you need to let this be her decision or the decision of the person placed for adoption. You can NOT drive this - that's inappropriate.


Sorry. But it is appropriate, as the birtgh mother actually isn't entitled to privacy of who is related to whom. The adult child is allowed privacy once he or she indicates they aren't interested, but, keep in mind this relationship affects absolutely everyone...the children and grandchildren of these people, the father that no one mentions, and his family.


The birth mom is absolutely entitled to privacy and at the time of adoption was promised it.


No one is entitled to absolute privacy. And it is very unlikely that in the 60’s this birth mother was promised privacy. My mom surrendered in 1965 and she knew that her baby could access his/her original birth certificate at age 18. The law was only changed years LATER to retroactively block access to a child’s identity. Many states are finally undoing this terrible injustice. For many birth mothers, the idea that her child might one day find her was her one shining hope after being forced to surrender. Taking that away after the fact was cruelty upon cruelty.

Birth mothers do not live in an information vacuum. They know now that DNA can connect their child to their family. If they haven’t yet gotten therapy for their situation and realize that they have the power to hurt terribly a child who already has a lot of trauma, they should seek therapy to be prepared if that child finds them.

As PP said, mothers are not the only and are certainly not the most important person in the adoption circle. The adopted person is in the center and their needs should be centered. But other people affected: siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, all kin…they matter, too. And if they and the adopted person are happy to be in reunion, they should feel free to enjoy their relationships.
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2022 10:08     Subject: Re:s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Anonymous wrote:OP, putting your info on Ancestry is fine but understand there could be some collateral damage from that fact. My dad, who is into genealogy, convinced me to do Ancestry. I had no problem with that. Then a couple of years later, I had a weird match. Well...turns out my mother gave a baby up for adoption in the late 60s, before she met my father. My mother and father both knew this and were never going to tell me (an only child) until things showed up on Ancestry. (And yes, I guess they didn't think their plan through.)

I am in contact with my half-sister, who knew she was adopted and is a lovely person. My parents no longer speak of her or of what happened (swept back under the rug). But it all really threw me for a loop and it's taken a couple of years of therapy to work through the aftermath. Logically I can understand why they kept it from me, but emotionally it's been really hard. My trust and my relationship with them is not the same as before. I wonder what else they are not telling me. I get angry that, even if they waited to tell me when I was an adult, I could've known my sister for 20 years by now rather than 2. And finally I'm pissed that they dropped a bomb on me then left me to deal with it alone.

I just wanted to share my experience as an innocent party who was affected by all of this. I guess I could have not done the DNA but I had no reason to believe it would blow things up.


I’m so sorry that your parents did this to you, OP. I’m the PP who is happily in reunion with her sister who had been lost to her family through adoption. I am so happy that you have found your sister and can build a relationship with her. I hope you have a therapist who has some kind Omg special training in adoption trauma. I suggest reading “The Girls Who Went Away” to get more of an understanding of what your mother went through and why her shame and pain are still defining her life and holding her back. It is such a tragedy for your poor sister that your mom has been so cold…your mom needs the therapy. There are support groups for birth mothers that could really help her if she was open to it.

I wish you so much luck in how your life will expand and grow with your new sister. And I hope that your mom can get help before it is too late. My mom died just before I found my sister and I will forever be heartbroken that she did not get to know her and her two children. It’s a terrible loss on top of so much loss. I empathize with you SO much about the loss of 20 years with your sister. Hope you’ll have 20+ years now.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2022 20:01     Subject: s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Anonymous wrote:If your mother is alive you need to let this be her decision or the decision of the person placed for adoption. You can NOT drive this - that's inappropriate.

Loud and wrong, as only DCUM can be. Did you READ the OP?
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2022 20:00     Subject: s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If your mother is alive you need to let this be her decision or the decision of the person placed for adoption. You can NOT drive this - that's inappropriate.


Sorry. But it is appropriate, as the birtgh mother actually isn't entitled to privacy of who is related to whom. The adult child is allowed privacy once he or she indicates they aren't interested, but, keep in mind this relationship affects absolutely everyone...the children and grandchildren of these people, the father that no one mentions, and his family.


The birth mom is absolutely entitled to privacy and at the time of adoption was promised it.


You are several decades off. Here are some other tried and true mandates from this time:
Women who were unmarried couldn't keep their babies.

Young women ( teens) couldn't keep their babies

Thousands upon thousands of Catholic babies were literally stolen from unmarried women. Additionally, there are graveyards of babies all over Ireland and the US

Pregnant and unmarried women were shunned from society, while the fathers had no responsibility.

Young women were kept in maternity homes and sedated often.

Babies were often sold to rich white families. Babies were sold under the table to ethnic families who were prevented from adopting out of their ethnicity.

Even today, a well off parent will adopt because a poor mother can't afford to keep her baby. This is a consumer driven elitist situation.

There were lots of private adoptions, which is another word for the sale of children.

Privacy was promised because of shame of the mother and to keep the identity of the father safe. These were social mores of the time based upon religious and misogynistic principles.

There's no "privacy" granted when it comes to a person's identity. Adoptees aren't puppies. Regardless, it no longer matters. DNA has entirely changed this antiquated notion of any privacy. There was never any privacy.


You are wrong. There are all kinds of adoptions today and some birth mom's still want their privacy.

The same things that happened then, still happen today. There are lots of ethical and unethical adoptions.

But, if a birth mom wants no contact, that should be respected.

Lots of reasons including rape, affairs, etc.


Then the birth mother will indicate that upon contact, and then it is inappropriate to continue to seek contact after that. However, thd child absolutely has every right to know who his biological family is and what the circumstances were. Siblings, everyone. No, the mother does not have a say in biological destiny, and she has zero rights in keeping the child away from other family members...his siblings, etc.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2022 19:51     Subject: s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If your mother is alive you need to let this be her decision or the decision of the person placed for adoption. You can NOT drive this - that's inappropriate.


Sorry. But it is appropriate, as the birtgh mother actually isn't entitled to privacy of who is related to whom. The adult child is allowed privacy once he or she indicates they aren't interested, but, keep in mind this relationship affects absolutely everyone...the children and grandchildren of these people, the father that no one mentions, and his family.


The birth mom is absolutely entitled to privacy and at the time of adoption was promised it.


You are several decades off. Here are some other tried and true mandates from this time:
Women who were unmarried couldn't keep their babies.

Young women ( teens) couldn't keep their babies

Thousands upon thousands of Catholic babies were literally stolen from unmarried women. Additionally, there are graveyards of babies all over Ireland and the US

Pregnant and unmarried women were shunned from society, while the fathers had no responsibility.

Young women were kept in maternity homes and sedated often.

Babies were often sold to rich white families. Babies were sold under the table to ethnic families who were prevented from adopting out of their ethnicity.

Even today, a well off parent will adopt because a poor mother can't afford to keep her baby. This is a consumer driven elitist situation.

There were lots of private adoptions, which is another word for the sale of children.

Privacy was promised because of shame of the mother and to keep the identity of the father safe. These were social mores of the time based upon religious and misogynistic principles.

There's no "privacy" granted when it comes to a person's identity. Adoptees aren't puppies. Regardless, it no longer matters. DNA has entirely changed this antiquated notion of any privacy. There was never any privacy.


You are wrong. There are all kinds of adoptions today and some birth mom's still want their privacy.

The same things that happened then, still happen today. There are lots of ethical and unethical adoptions.

But, if a birth mom wants no contact, that should be respected.

Lots of reasons including rape, affairs, etc.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2022 19:49     Subject: s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Anonymous wrote:Here is a website with some ideas.
https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/search/records/

I think it's great you are doing this and I hope you find your sibling!


I disagree. OP has no right to butt into someone else's life to satisfy her morbid curiosity. Leave it be. If your mother had wanted to pursue this then she would have done so. Again, do not interfere in their life!
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2022 19:49     Subject: s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If your mother is alive you need to let this be her decision or the decision of the person placed for adoption. You can NOT drive this - that's inappropriate.


Sorry. But it is appropriate, as the birtgh mother actually isn't entitled to privacy of who is related to whom. The adult child is allowed privacy once he or she indicates they aren't interested, but, keep in mind this relationship affects absolutely everyone...the children and grandchildren of these people, the father that no one mentions, and his family.


The birth mom is absolutely entitled to privacy and at the time of adoption was promised it.


You are several decades off. Here are some other tried and true mandates from this time:
Women who were unmarried couldn't keep their babies.

Young women ( teens) couldn't keep their babies

Thousands upon thousands of Catholic babies were literally stolen from unmarried women. Additionally, there are graveyards of babies all over Ireland and the US

Pregnant and unmarried women were shunned from society, while the fathers had no responsibility.

Young women were kept in maternity homes and sedated often.

Babies were often sold to rich white families. Babies were sold under the table to ethnic families who were prevented from adopting out of their ethnicity.

Even today, a well off parent will adopt because a poor mother can't afford to keep her baby. This is a consumer driven elitist situation.

There were lots of private adoptions, which is another word for the sale of children.

Privacy was promised because of shame of the mother and to keep the identity of the father safe. These were social mores of the time based upon religious and misogynistic principles.

There's no "privacy" granted when it comes to a person's identity. Adoptees aren't puppies. Regardless, it no longer matters. DNA has entirely changed this antiquated notion of any privacy. There was never any privacy.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2022 19:26     Subject: Re:s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Ancestry is much more popular than 23 and me.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2022 19:07     Subject: s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If your mother is alive you need to let this be her decision or the decision of the person placed for adoption. You can NOT drive this - that's inappropriate.


Sorry. But it is appropriate, as the birtgh mother actually isn't entitled to privacy of who is related to whom. The adult child is allowed privacy once he or she indicates they aren't interested, but, keep in mind this relationship affects absolutely everyone...the children and grandchildren of these people, the father that no one mentions, and his family.


The birth mom is absolutely entitled to privacy and at the time of adoption was promised it.