My DD was bullied mercilessly in 9th grade, mostly by a group of very mean boys. A group of the most popular girls at school saw it and invited her to sit with them at lunch. It gave my DD protection and I’m forever grateful to those girls. Teach your children to be like that, please!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach them to say “may I sit with you?”

Bad and good advice at the same time. I get it. Yes speak up for yourself. But we are talking about 13,14 year olds who are terrified of rejection. Not everyone at the table is going to be nice and say “of course”.

Teach your kids to say “come with with us!”

I think this is good advice. Most kids would say, "sure." Being nice is the default for most. It is more awkward to tell someone no. I'm sure there are a-hole kids, but your child probably knows who they are. Surely there are lots of nice kids during that lunch period that your child vaguely knows but may not know well enough to consider them a personal friend. Those the the kids you ask to join.

Jesus. Have you actually met any middle schoolers?

Of course. And if they are generally friendly and known to you, but perhaps not your “friend” they aren’t going to tell you no you can’t sit there. Please in this PC anti bullying era, most of them know better by now.

Oh my lord, this is...not true. I mean, there may be a few highly emotionally evolved empathetic middle schoolers who would behave that way, but it's not at all the common experience.

*eat in the courtyard

Do they have to eat in the cafeteria even during Covid? My teens in the courtyard unless it’s took cold or raining. In that case, they go to a classroom to eat. Their school allows that. They are nerdy boys so they usually go to the computer labs and after eating play video games:

OP here this is all great advice especially for my middle schooler who’s generally very social and usually makes friends easily.

9th grader is somewhere on the spectrum so nothing is ever straightforward when it comes to friendships.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach them to say “may I sit with you?”

Bad and good advice at the same time. I get it. Yes speak up for yourself. But we are talking about 13,14 year olds who are terrified of rejection. Not everyone at the table is going to be nice and say “of course”.

Teach your kids to say “come with with us!”

I think this is good advice. Most kids would say, "sure." Being nice is the default for most. It is more awkward to tell someone no. I'm sure there are a-hole kids, but your child probably knows who they are. Surely there are lots of nice kids during that lunch period that your child vaguely knows but may not know well enough to consider them a personal friend. Those the the kids you ask to join.

Jesus. Have you actually met any middle schoolers?

Of course. And if they are generally friendly and known to you, but perhaps not your “friend” they aren’t going to tell you no you can’t sit there. Please in this PC anti bullying era, most of them know better by now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach them to say “may I sit with you?”

Bad and good advice at the same time. I get it. Yes speak up for yourself. But we are talking about 13,14 year olds who are terrified of rejection. Not everyone at the table is going to be nice and say “of course”.

Teach your kids to say “come with with us!”

Both options are important -- depending on which side of the issue you are on.

Yes, middle schoolers are terrified of rejection but it's important to teach them to take a chance and they will survive rejection.

Yes, middle schoolers are terrified of rejection so it's important to teach them to include people where they can and do their part to make things kinder in a somewhat-unkind age.

Anyway, OP, I am finding that kids are eating and gathering in a sorts of spots in the school (e.g., media center, band room, certain hallways, classrooms, etc.). Not sure if this is covid or something else. Maybe they can go to one of these alternative spots and seek out smaller groups. Much less overwhelming than the full on cafeteria!

A MS counselor might be able to connect kids who are generally eating by themselves.

I've seen this happen several years ago (pre-covid) when I was volunteering at a middle school.

Joining some clubs after school helps. They see kids who have things in common with.
We teach our son to look out for others. If he sees anyone that is alone at lunch, go invite them to your table. No one wants to be left alone. y

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my 7th grader and 9th grader have lunch periods with no friends in it. My 9th grade DS says he enjoys time to himself. He’s on his phone, which he has said most kids are doing the same. My 7th grade DD isn’t thrilled but has friends. Just not at the same period. I explain that it’s a good skill to learn to be comfortable by yourself. As long as they aren’t sad about it, mine are learning how to be fine with just being alone (which they know is different than lonely).

Same for my 8th and 10th graders.

My HS kid goes to his favorite teacher classroom sometimes and then finds friends there. My 8th grader is happy to play on his phone, which then attracts other buddies to join.

OP- Have them bring in lunch that way it is easier for them to move around.

Two of my kids do this as well, including my very social DD. In 8th grade, she ate lunch every day in the library because she didn't have close friends with her at lunch and she wanted a break. My younger DS also does it because the cafeteria is so busy and a bit overwhelming for him. He goes to the band room every day. There are some other kids there but he can either engage with them or sit quietly. When older DS was in HS, he took his Nintendo Switch and played at lunch. Sometimes kids would join him and they'd chat about games, other times, he'd just do his own thing.

Anonymous wrote:Both my 7th grader and 9th grader have lunch periods with no friends in it. My 9th grade DS says he enjoys time to himself. He’s on his phone, which he has said most kids are doing the same. My 7th grade DD isn’t thrilled but has friends. Just not at the same period. I explain that it’s a good skill to learn to be comfortable by yourself. As long as they aren’t sad about it, mine are learning how to be fine with just being alone (which they know is different than lonely).

Same for my 8th and 10th graders.

My HS kid goes to his favorite teacher classroom sometimes and then finds friends there. My 8th grader is happy to play on his phone, which then attracts other buddies to join.

OP- Have them bring in lunch that way it is easier for them to move around.