Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 14:39     Subject: DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
Anonymous wrote:Been with my husband for decades, and it’s crazy to me that he still doesn’t know his parents or siblings’ birthdays. Not just forgetting them, but doesn’t remember the dates at all. Sometimes he remembers the months. Also one of his parents birthday is a week after our oldest child’s birthday and we always used to celebrate it together, pretty much every year. And when I remind him, he is always surprised that their birthdays are close together. I’ve tried putting them on our shared calendar but he never looks at it or ignores the reminders.

How can I help him remember them more independently? He also doesn’t always know our children’s birthdays.d
1)Photo calendars from Snapfish/Shutterfly with the person's face on their b-day. 2)Facebook with annoying popup for birthdays. 3)Grabbing him for joint rendition of crooning Happy B-day 2 U over the phone.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 14:18     Subject: DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He's a boy. it's a thing.


No, it’s not. It’s a “I don’t want to take care of this” thing.


You could counch it that way. Just like I don't track how many miles have been put on my car between oil changes. Which you could consider an "I don't know, I don't care, I don't want to take care of this" thing. Or a girl thing.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 13:50     Subject: DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
If he forgets even with the annual digital reminders, then send a gift and only sign your name and text/call the person yourself. Don't include him on it. See how long that takes to register.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 13:50     Subject: Re:DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
Anonymous wrote:There are some people that cannot remember dates/events. Just like there are people who are face-blind, or people who cannot remember numbers or people who have problems remembering certain words.

Does he use a calendar program on his phone? Put the dates on the shared calendar and have them pop up reminders X days before the event so that it pops up on his phone. I put a bunch of reminders for myself on my phone and I adjust the notification times based on when I need a reminder. So, for days when my kids have early dismissal and I need to pick them up, I put it for about 4 hours before so that it reminds me before I put the kids to bed. For birthdays I have to buy something for, I put the notification like 3 days beforehand so that I can remember to get something before the event. For birthdays that I just have to acknowledge with a text or email, I let it notify me on the date of the event. And so on. Either talk to him about sitting down and filling out the calendar or do it for him and then let the phone do the work for you.


Your answer is what you do: Know you have a deficiency; Develop your own systems and workarounds that are effective; and do them as part of your new routine!
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 13:47     Subject: DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does he remember much of anything, ie executive functioning issues, or just bdays or anniversaries?

Tell him to make some new traditions.

Doing nothing is just pathetic and selfish. Esp as a parent or SO.


To clarify, he usually does something, after I remind him of the upcoming birthdays. This is a big improvement from how I used to plan for and buy gifts/cards for all his family members’ birthdays. But I drew the line at some point. Now I would like him to go one step further and remember them on his own without reminders from me. I’m pretty forgetful myself, and it’s hard enough remembering everything else, let alone being responsible for reminding my husband of birthdays.

He has an exceptional memory but only limited to certain things. The everyday practical things completely escape him. He does not know our anniversary date either, and I have grown to not really care. I do have to remind him constantly of social things on our calendar and kid related activities and things.


Just stopped reminding him of his family stuff and let him deal with the fallout. I’m the woman that doesn’t remember this stuff. If my husband decided to stop reminding me, the world would not end.


Yes, but he has parents who care very much about this type of thing. And get very upset if they are forgotten. They also remember and get us something for every one of our special occasions, like our anniversary and birthdays.


Curious if BOTH his parents share this sentiment or only one of them does and the other is exactly like your husband (can’t remember! Don’t care! Whatever!).
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 13:45     Subject: DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does he remember much of anything, ie executive functioning issues, or just bdays or anniversaries?

Tell him to make some new traditions.

Doing nothing is just pathetic and selfish. Esp as a parent or SO.


To clarify, he usually does something, after I remind him of the upcoming birthdays. This is a big improvement from how I used to plan for and buy gifts/cards for all his family members’ birthdays. But I drew the line at some point. Now I would like him to go one step further and remember them on his own without reminders from me. I’m pretty forgetful myself, and it’s hard enough remembering everything else, let alone being responsible for reminding my husband of birthdays.

He has an exceptional memory but only limited to certain things. The everyday practical things completely escape him. He does not know our anniversary date either, and I have grown to not really care. I do have to remind him constantly of social things on our calendar and kid related activities and things.


Just stopped reminding him of his family stuff and let him deal with the fallout. I’m the woman that doesn’t remember this stuff. If my husband decided to stop reminding me, the world would not end.


Yes, but he has parents who care very much about this type of thing. And get very upset if they are forgotten. They also remember and get us something for every one of our special occasions, like our anniversary and birthdays.


That’s too bad they didn’t help him develop some skills and good habits for remembering things outside his personal hyper interests.

I’d stop enabling him. And make sure your kids don’t have the same unmanaged issues so they can be decent Power if Attorneys later. You have no idea how much you are propping him and the family up with zero backup should you get hurt or ill.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 13:43     Subject: DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does he remember much of anything, ie executive functioning issues, or just bdays or anniversaries?

Tell him to make some new traditions.

Doing nothing is just pathetic and selfish. Esp as a parent or SO.


To clarify, he usually does something, after I remind him of the upcoming birthdays. This is a big improvement from how I used to plan for and buy gifts/cards for all his family members’ birthdays. But I drew the line at some point. Now I would like him to go one step further and remember them on his own without reminders from me. I’m pretty forgetful myself, and it’s hard enough remembering everything else, let alone being responsible for reminding my husband of birthdays.

He has an exceptional memory but only limited to certain things. The everyday practical things completely escape him. He does not know our anniversary date either, and I have grown to not really care. I do have to remind him constantly of social things on our calendar and kid related activities and things.


Just stopped reminding him of his family stuff and let him deal with the fallout. I’m the woman that doesn’t remember this stuff. If my husband decided to stop reminding me, the world would not end.


Exactly. You just wouldn’t go to the game or event or appointment. No biggie. Just stay home.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 13:42     Subject: DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does he remember much of anything, ie executive functioning issues, or just bdays or anniversaries?

Tell him to make some new traditions.

Doing nothing is just pathetic and selfish. Esp as a parent or SO.


To clarify, he usually does something, after I remind him of the upcoming birthdays. This is a big improvement from how I used to plan for and buy gifts/cards for all his family members’ birthdays. But I drew the line at some point. Now I would like him to go one step further and remember them on his own without reminders from me. I’m pretty forgetful myself, and it’s hard enough remembering everything else, let alone being responsible for reminding my husband of birthdays.

He has an exceptional memory but only limited to certain things. The everyday practical things completely escape him. He does not know our anniversary date either, and I have grown to not really care. I do have to remind him constantly of social things on our calendar and kid related activities and things.


He’s lucky to have you doing that all for him. I hope he’s grateful.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 13:41     Subject: DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
Anonymous wrote:Leave a permanent listing on the fridge. Right in prime viewing location.


Lol. As if they read or process signs or lists in the house unless their feet are held to the fire.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 12:26     Subject: DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
I don’t know when my MILS bday is. Maybe my DH does. If he does, he doesn’t do anything beyond a phone call.

We only celebrate our kids’ birthdays. For his and mine, I bake a cake of choice and dinner of choice. Past that I don’t keep track of anyone else’s birthday and neither does he.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 12:18     Subject: Re:DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
Anonymous wrote:There are some people that cannot remember dates/events. Just like there are people who are face-blind, or people who cannot remember numbers or people who have problems remembering certain words.

Does he use a calendar program on his phone? Put the dates on the shared calendar and have them pop up reminders X days before the event so that it pops up on his phone. I put a bunch of reminders for myself on my phone and I adjust the notification times based on when I need a reminder. So, for days when my kids have early dismissal and I need to pick them up, I put it for about 4 hours before so that it reminds me before I put the kids to bed. For birthdays I have to buy something for, I put the notification like 3 days beforehand so that I can remember to get something before the event. For birthdays that I just have to acknowledge with a text or email, I let it notify me on the date of the event. And so on. Either talk to him about sitting down and filling out the calendar or do it for him and then let the phone do the work for you.


She said he ignores the reminders.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 12:16     Subject: Re:DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
There are some people that cannot remember dates/events. Just like there are people who are face-blind, or people who cannot remember numbers or people who have problems remembering certain words.

Does he use a calendar program on his phone? Put the dates on the shared calendar and have them pop up reminders X days before the event so that it pops up on his phone. I put a bunch of reminders for myself on my phone and I adjust the notification times based on when I need a reminder. So, for days when my kids have early dismissal and I need to pick them up, I put it for about 4 hours before so that it reminds me before I put the kids to bed. For birthdays I have to buy something for, I put the notification like 3 days beforehand so that I can remember to get something before the event. For birthdays that I just have to acknowledge with a text or email, I let it notify me on the date of the event. And so on. Either talk to him about sitting down and filling out the calendar or do it for him and then let the phone do the work for you.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 12:12     Subject: DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
Anonymous wrote:Been with my husband for decades, and it’s crazy to me that he still doesn’t know his parents or siblings’ birthdays. Not just forgetting them, but doesn’t remember the dates at all. Sometimes he remembers the months. Also one of his parents birthday is a week after our oldest child’s birthday and we always used to celebrate it together, pretty much every year. And when I remind him, he is always surprised that their birthdays are close together. I’ve tried putting them on our shared calendar but he never looks at it or ignores the reminders.

How can I help him remember them more independently? He also doesn’t always know our children’s birthdays.d


Don’t. After many years of trying to help with adding reminders for birthdays to send texts / make calls, and also reminders for when to buy cards or send gifts, and them being ignored, I stopped. He is in charge of his family, and I won’t take on any guilt for him not caring enough to do anything anymore.

I take care of my own side of the family, and I buy the gifts for our kids, and I plan the dinners to celebrate their birthdays. I don’t tell the kids DH doesn’t get involved in planning them or buying gifts or anything, though it’s become clear to them as they’ve gotten older and he is surprised to see what they get as they open it. I do remind him the morning of so he does say happy birthday.

Is this ideal? No. But I can’t change him.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 12:05     Subject: DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
Anonymous wrote:He's a boy. it's a thing.


No, it’s not. It’s a “I don’t want to take care of this” thing.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2022 11:43     Subject: DH doesn’t remember any birthdays
He's a boy. it's a thing.