Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:10     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:Stop doing things for him. Make him get his own weekend sitter. Don’t cook for him. Don’t do admin or find daycare. Let things drop and let him deal with the consequences.

Fortunately it sounds like you have enough money to have this problem ultimately solved by his outsourcing what he can’t/won’t do. From childcare to food delivery. But he has to handle the outsourcing since he works fewer hours.


+10000

OP it will be fine. It might seem like it'll be a catastrophe if you let go, but it won't. Just a big adjustment.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:10     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:Yes, you’ve bumped into the reality. Very few men are capable of handling all the responsibilities involved with raising children in our modern society. Is what it is. And children are especially challenging when they are little. Outsource what you can and slog through these early years.

+1 I'll repeat... most men should not have kids. They may like the idea of it, but when reality hits, they can't handle it, or they will put in the bare minimum effort, and say that the wife has too high standards, and he should be able to do things his own way, which again is bare minimum effort.

Who cares if it's bare minimum effort? Why does your child only deserve the bare minimum? Should your wife only give you the bare minimum sex, as defined by her?
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:09     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
You and your DH both sound like train wrecks with an innocent kid stuck in the middle.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:09     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:

OP:
I come home at 9 from work sometime and the baby has been in bed since 730.

He relaxes from 730-1030 every night maybe other than to take out the trash / wash his dishes.

I come home and need to clean up after the baby and cook for the next day.

He does 10% of that.


This is crazy. He does the pick up, playing with the child, feeding the child, bath and bedtime routine all on his own while working full time. Yet you think you should come home from work and have zero household responsibilities? How on earth is that equitable? You are both parents. You are both working.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:09     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:OP, move out, but don’t file for divorce yet. Spend as much time with the baby as possible, hire a nanny, let him have 3 hours of toddler care as often as he wants and agree on the amount of financial help he is willing to provide (but don’t push it so that he doesn’t go to court to get custody and make YOU pay him). Keep a cordial relationship. It will work out and at least you won’t have to deal with him in the house!


Oh yes and 99% of men are useless caring for a young child. I don’t know how gay couples manage but willing to bet most of them have nannies who work long hours.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:08     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Don’t have more kids. Clearly you aren’t into this one and resent that children are work for BOTH parents. Sorry the kid disrupts your career.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:07     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
So I’m your husband AND I have a full-time 40 hour week on top of all of the home/childcare duties while my husband WOH 55 hours per week.

Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:07     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
OP, move out, but don’t file for divorce yet. Spend as much time with the baby as possible, hire a nanny, let him have 3 hours of toddler care as often as he wants and agree on the amount of financial help he is willing to provide (but don’t push it so that he doesn’t go to court to get custody and make YOU pay him). Keep a cordial relationship. It will work out and at least you won’t have to deal with him in the house!
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:06     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:Cooking isn’t a childcare duty. It’s not realistic that just because he is a primary caregiver, he should automatically be the cook while still working 45 hours a week.


So why is it her duty if she works 60 hours per week?
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:06     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
OP: Im just so annoyed. Before kid, he keeps saying he will cook for the baby, take him to classes, love to spend time with him. Why promise all of this stuff if he cannot follow through?

My friends who work fewer hours than their husband and make less are all happier and have better relationships as long as the guy does something and is not lazy.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:04     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Cooking isn’t a childcare duty. It’s not realistic that just because he is a primary caregiver, he should automatically be the cook while still working 45 hours a week.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:03     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why are you hiring the baby sitter? Can he just hire one himself?

Tho honestly I’d throw the video game system away. If he’s neglecting his kids because of it, it’s gotta go.


He plays every day!


Who cares? I read every day - should my spouse toss my books?
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:03     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you work too much.

I'm the higher earner in my household (by a hair) and neither my DH nor I work that many hours a week, except in rare circumstances - major project deadline, etc.

You need to prioritize your marriage and your self-care.

You need to have another conversation about admin stuff and lay out the explicit list of things you want him to do and say that's part of being a primary caregiver. Or hire it out (part-time nanny, etc.)


Op: he does not want to do them because he wants to relax. He has 6-7 hours without kids both days during the weekend. And 3 hours every day of the week when he does not do childcare not chores. How is that not enough!


PP here -- some people (men and women!) don't have the endurance for the slog of baby/toddler care day-to-day. I'm one of those people too. My kid is a dream, a unicorn, whatever you want to call them, but I'm constantly in need of a break; it's like I was born with low capacity for kid care. And I'm the mom!

The DCUM solution, in my experience, is really the most effective one - "outsource" what you can afford to.

I would lose the framing of "primary caregiver" and think of it more like 60-40. You both should have free time and hobbies.


OP: how much free time is reasonable for working parents? 3 hours every day and 12 hours per weekend not enough?
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:02     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Stop doing things for him. Make him get his own weekend sitter. Don’t cook for him. Don’t do admin or find daycare. Let things drop and let him deal with the consequences.

Fortunately it sounds like you have enough money to have this problem ultimately solved by his outsourcing what he can’t/won’t do. From childcare to food delivery. But he has to handle the outsourcing since he works fewer hours.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 14:02     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, you sound like an asshole. You work a lot and like it. Fine. Then you should happily use the money you earn to hire a sitter and stop complaining. There is really nothing to complain about here. DH works outside of the home and also helps with the kid.


Op: why does he not help out with the admin? He gets all the fun stuff of childcare and I get all the crappy one. Laundry, meal prep, doctor appointments, buying clothes, finding daycare, finding classes, etc.