Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like a spouse who so easily falls into affairs cares very much about the kids, even if they are willing to stay in the marriage.

This is dumb. He's staying in the marriage BECAUSE of his kids. You can love your kids and no longer be in love with your wife/husband.

+1. He is only staying "because of the kids," which is stupid because it will be harder to divorce later and cause more pain--and that is likely.

No, I was the one who initiated the divorce, and I don't regret it. I only have one life to live

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like a spouse who so easily falls into affairs cares very much about the kids, even if they are willing to stay in the marriage.

This is dumb. He's staying in the marriage BECAUSE of his kids. You can love your kids and no longer be in love with your wife/husband.

This. I would leave if I didn’t have my kids. Trying to figure things out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. Are y'all saying that "staying for the kids" after infidelity is BS? Or "staying for the kids" at all is BS?

It depends. Don't get hope that you husband is going to change if he's done this multiple times and finds it an acceptable way of life and then figure out what's best for you and the kids. There isn't an easy way out. What do you need financially. What do you need for safety. What do you need for financial support? How will the kids grow best? How will you be able to cope best?

Or wife. Many serial cheating married women out there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. Are y'all saying that "staying for the kids" after infidelity is BS? Or "staying for the kids" at all is BS?

My husband didn’t clearly communicate what he would have liked me to change to improve our relationship until we were already separating. Suddenly I had a new perspective, but it was too late. I had clearly communicated my needs for years, but husband was unwilling to make any changes. In terms of sex, as our relationship was circling the drain, he said he was tired of trying to coerce me into having sex. I asked him why his approach was to try coercion instead of stoking desire, as I had told him on many occasions what would put me in the mood, but he never tried any of it. His response was “I don’t know.”

I don’t know what other posters are saying, but I’m saying that putting your energy and effort into finding a new partner instead of improving your relationship with your spouse is not in your kids’ best interests.

Wow. I could have written this about my own (ending) marriage.

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. Are y'all saying that "staying for the kids" after infidelity is BS? Or "staying for the kids" at all is BS?

It depends. Don't get hope that you husband is going to change if he's done this multiple times and finds it an acceptable way of life and then figure out what's best for you and the kids. There isn't an easy way out. What do you need financially. What do you need for safety. What do you need for financial support? How will the kids grow best? How will you be able to cope best?

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say you buried your feelings about the initial affair. Did you seek counseling and work through it? That would be my first step - therapy for you individually to figure out what you want and what steps you need to take to forgive and move on, or at the very least, be able to look in the mirror and say you did everything you could. Then seek couples counseling. Even though the initial affair was several years ago, it sounds as though you still have a lot of unresolved feelings about this, and that your husband was never made to be accountable. You need to work through all of these things before you make any decisions.

np. this is a fair and reasonable next step.

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. Are y'all saying that "staying for the kids" after infidelity is BS? Or "staying for the kids" at all is BS?

My husband didn’t clearly communicate what he would have liked me to change to improve our relationship until we were already separating. Suddenly I had a new perspective, but it was too late. I had clearly communicated my needs for years, but husband was unwilling to make any changes. In terms of sex, as our relationship was circling the drain, he said he was tired of trying to coerce me into having sex. I asked him why his approach was to try coercion instead of stoking desire, as I had told him on many occasions what would put me in the mood, but he never tried any of it. His response was “I don’t know.”

I don’t know what other posters are saying, but I’m saying that putting your energy and effort into finding a new partner instead of improving your relationship with your spouse is not in your kids’ best interests.

OP, you say you buried your feelings about the initial affair. Did you seek counseling and work through it? That would be my first step - therapy for you individually to figure out what you want and what steps you need to take to forgive and move on, or at the very least, be able to look in the mirror and say you did everything you could. Then seek couples counseling. Even though the initial affair was several years ago, it sounds as though you still have a lot of unresolved feelings about this, and that your husband was never made to be accountable. You need to work through all of these things before you make any decisions.

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. Are y'all saying that "staying for the kids" after infidelity is BS? Or "staying for the kids" at all is BS?

The BS is that someone like OP's DH seems to be (by her words) unable to help having relationships with other people while he is married to OP. He is not "staying for the kids." It's probably more convenient for him.

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

This^. Acceptance makes them partially responsible, denial gives keeps their innocent victim status.

I'm confused. Are y'all saying that "staying for the kids" after infidelity is BS? Or "staying for the kids" at all is BS?

Anonymous wrote:They love their children, but are too selfish to place their children’s best interests ahead of their own.

That's a good way to put it. But, I question how much you can love someone when you are that self-centered. And stop with this delusional mental gymnastics 'the affair saves my marriage' BS.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like a spouse who so easily falls into affairs cares very much about the kids, even if they are willing to stay in the marriage.

This is dumb. He's staying in the marriage BECAUSE of his kids. You can love your kids and no longer be in love with your wife/husband.

People like this enjoy their kids for their own benefit. The pleasure and status it gives them. I would say care is the correct term.

I agree. The wife I know loved to be the fabulous mom blogger, but would ditch her kids in a second and have the husband do all the activities/sports with the kids or watch them on her phony out of town trip to visit 'her friend'. She also wasn't going on college scouting trips so she could get rid of husband and kids.

That's not someone with her kids' best interest at heart. And, there is ZERO consideration of how a teenager will feel when they find out their mom has been banging other people. That is so much worse than a straight, clean, carefully planned divorce before cheating and the traumatic nuclear bomb. That creates even bigger trust issues and really messes with their own adult relationships and attachment issues long after they have fled the nest.

So, no, I don't think people willing to subject their families to potentially crazy 'other people' is a nurturing or protective love. Not one bit.

I don't regret it. One of the two of us would be dead if we hadn't broken up. It was much healthier and safer for us (and the kids, obviously) when we stopped living together.