Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I usually see the youngest as the most flexible. They're the ones who are always being dragged along to the older kids' athletic games or performances and by the time they are old enough to play on a team themselves the older kids are off doing their own things independently

I was glad to read this. I knew my brother's lives very well, their friends, their activities. I was there. I was present. I had no where else to go. They don't know me in the same way, not at all. They really know little about my friends (so much younger), the specifics of my activities, what my growing up was like apart from being an appendage to their lives.

As an adult you have to insist on an equal peer relationship with your siblings and that can be hard to achieve given the pattern

Yes! I've always noticed the same thing, and have felt a little bit... insignificant, or kind of insulted that my older brother seems to know/remember so little about me. When we're reminiscing with the family about growing up, he doesn't connect with a lot of the things I talk about. Yet, I remember his friends and sports and jobs. It's a small thing but it's definitely present when, for example, my dad brought up some funny story about my good friend and I in middle school. This friend has a"famous" last name for our area, is related to a major family who are a common household name locally. I went to family events with them and got to sit in box seats and front rows at major league baseball games with them. All sorts of fun stuff. My brother had no idea I was friends with this girl. It just struck me as odd... Did my parents never mention it to him? He was 5 years older so he just wasn't around I guess. I knew the names of all of his friends and anything big and special he got to do with them.

This story is literally "I'm mad my older sibling didn't know all the details of this cool friend I had in middle school who got me into awesome events where I got to do great things, and I resent it." Like... what? This is some classic youngest sibling stuff here.

I'm guessing your older brother was in HS or college when you were in MS. Tell me, when you were in HS or college, were you focusing a lot of attention on what was happening with a MS kid? Or were you very focused on beginning your adult life? Do you think maybe it's unfair to expect your older sibling to be different than you in that respect? It would be different if you were upset that your parents didn't know basic stuff about your MS experience because they were focused on your older siblings. But that's not it -- your dad knew all about it and was explaining it to your brother. But your brother is not your dad. He gets a chance to live his life, and it doesn't nave to focus on yours anymore than yours needs to focus on his.

Both the PPs here kind of demonstrate the skewed perspective of many youngest children. You are holding older siblings to parental standards (your siblings are not your parents), ignoring basic facts of what your sibling might have gone through or is still going through, and fixating entirely on the impact on you.

Not knowing about your MS friend does not mean your sibling thinks you are insignificant. It might just mean they were studying for SATs or picking a college or taking their first college exams when that was going on, and did not have the mental bandwidth to focus closely on your day-to-day. That's okay. That's why you have parents.

+100000000000000000000000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I usually see the youngest as the most flexible. They're the ones who are always being dragged along to the older kids' athletic games or performances and by the time they are old enough to play on a team themselves the older kids are off doing their own things independently

I was glad to read this. I knew my brother's lives very well, their friends, their activities. I was there. I was present. I had no where else to go. They don't know me in the same way, not at all. They really know little about my friends (so much younger), the specifics of my activities, what my growing up was like apart from being an appendage to their lives.

As an adult you have to insist on an equal peer relationship with your siblings and that can be hard to achieve given the pattern

Yes! I've always noticed the same thing, and have felt a little bit... insignificant, or kind of insulted that my older brother seems to know/remember so little about me. When we're reminiscing with the family about growing up, he doesn't connect with a lot of the things I talk about. Yet, I remember his friends and sports and jobs. It's a small thing but it's definitely present when, for example, my dad brought up some funny story about my good friend and I in middle school. This friend has a"famous" last name for our area, is related to a major family who are a common household name locally. I went to family events with them and got to sit in box seats and front rows at major league baseball games with them. All sorts of fun stuff. My brother had no idea I was friends with this girl. It just struck me as odd... Did my parents never mention it to him? He was 5 years older so he just wasn't around I guess. I knew the names of all of his friends and anything big and special he got to do with them.

This story is literally "I'm mad my older sibling didn't know all the details of this cool friend I had in middle school who got me into awesome events where I got to do great things, and I resent it." Like... what? This is some classic youngest sibling stuff here.

I'm guessing your older brother was in HS or college when you were in MS. Tell me, when you were in HS or college, were you focusing a lot of attention on what was happening with a MS kid? Or were you very focused on beginning your adult life? Do you think maybe it's unfair to expect your older sibling to be different than you in that respect? It would be different if you were upset that your parents didn't know basic stuff about your MS experience because they were focused on your older siblings. But that's not it -- your dad knew all about it and was explaining it to your brother. But your brother is not your dad. He gets a chance to live his life, and it doesn't nave to focus on yours anymore than yours needs to focus on his.

Both the PPs here kind of demonstrate the skewed perspective of many youngest children. You are holding older siblings to parental standards (your siblings are not your parents), ignoring basic facts of what your sibling might have gone through or is still going through, and fixating entirely on the impact on you.

Not knowing about your MS friend does not mean your sibling thinks you are insignificant. It might just mean they were studying for SATs or picking a college or taking their first college exams when that was going on, and did not have the mental bandwidth to focus closely on your day-to-day. That's okay. That's why you have parents.

Whoa, Nellie, you have some reading comprehension and projection problems!!! I am the first poster. I clearly state in my post (the quote isn't the entirety of my post) that I was the oldest child of my siblings.

As I'm reading your responses, OP, my thought is that you are way too old (you're over 50, for heaven's sake) to be harboring all of these grudges and to be holding such immature reactions to things that have no substance. You really need to get your butt into therapy. It will do you a world of good.

I cannot believe that you are so old and you still are so unhappy with who you are and your life. Get yourself well and then come back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think about people’s birth order at all. I think this a very odd way to characterize your interactions with others. I don’t even know the birth order of most people unless they are typically close friends already — so I don’t have issues with them to start with.

Same here. Plus I wouldn’t normally think youngest in large family gets accommodated. The youngers usually have to go along with whatever is already in place for the older kids.

This. I usually see the youngest as the most flexible. They're the ones who are always being dragged along to the older kids' athletic games or performances and by the time they are old enough to play on a team themselves the older kids are off doing their own things independently. It can be tough being the youngest (and I say this as the one who was the oldest kid of my family).

I think this could be a perspective thing, and it's sort of both.

In large families, older siblings are often expected to include the youngest in activities, but also expected to make sure the youngest doesn't get hurt or offended or left out. That's a ton of accommodation, and not something all kids get. I do think this can lead youngest children to expect to be included in things, and to expect to be treated a bit more carefully than others, because of the constant "be nice to Timmy, he's not as big as you are!" That becomes part of your identity and you don't realize that other people were not granted that level of accommodation.

But I also think all this accommodation can make youngest siblings pretty easy-going. Both because on some level they know they can't be too demanding of older siblings or risk being abandoned, and also because hearing their parents constantly tell their siblings to "be nice" or "help them out" or whatever makes them feel pretty securely loved.

I think middle children often have it hardest because they often get stuck with the worst aspects of being a younger sibling and an older sibling. Middle kids are often ultra-flexible ("natural compromisers" is the term I've heard) but also expected to be more mature and care for young siblings. A lot of the women I know who are middle siblings are super competent but can risk being doormats. It's just a tough position to be in. At least being oldest or youngest confers certain status.

On the other hand, sometimes being overlooked can be a a positive. I was a bit neglected as a child and that has some negatives but one of the positives is that I'm very independent and figured out how to take care of myself early. I think it allowed me to develop a unique personality and interests without parental intervention, which is nice.

I can see similarities in traits depending on birth orders. My eldest (like many first borns her age), is a rule follower, responsible, but also brave in bigger ways (like she won’t try a ‘dangerous’ exercise, but wants to fly alone at 8). They are also more independent.

My second (like several middle children I know) are rule breakers, brave, fearless, but not as independent as first born. My third is a baby and in some ways more applied and in others less…

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I usually see the youngest as the most flexible. They're the ones who are always being dragged along to the older kids' athletic games or performances and by the time they are old enough to play on a team themselves the older kids are off doing their own things independently

I was glad to read this. I knew my brother's lives very well, their friends, their activities. I was there. I was present. I had no where else to go. They don't know me in the same way, not at all. They really know little about my friends (so much younger), the specifics of my activities, what my growing up was like apart from being an appendage to their lives.

As an adult you have to insist on an equal peer relationship with your siblings and that can be hard to achieve given the pattern

Yes! I've always noticed the same thing, and have felt a little bit... insignificant, or kind of insulted that my older brother seems to know/remember so little about me. When we're reminiscing with the family about growing up, he doesn't connect with a lot of the things I talk about. Yet, I remember his friends and sports and jobs. It's a small thing but it's definitely present when, for example, my dad brought up some funny story about my good friend and I in middle school. This friend has a"famous" last name for our area, is related to a major family who are a common household name locally. I went to family events with them and got to sit in box seats and front rows at major league baseball games with them. All sorts of fun stuff. My brother had no idea I was friends with this girl. It just struck me as odd... Did my parents never mention it to him? He was 5 years older so he just wasn't around I guess. I knew the names of all of his friends and anything big and special he got to do with them.

This story is literally "I'm mad my older sibling didn't know all the details of this cool friend I had in middle school who got me into awesome events where I got to do great things, and I resent it." Like... what? This is some classic youngest sibling stuff here.

I'm guessing your older brother was in HS or college when you were in MS. Tell me, when you were in HS or college, were you focusing a lot of attention on what was happening with a MS kid? Or were you very focused on beginning your adult life? Do you think maybe it's unfair to expect your older sibling to be different than you in that respect? It would be different if you were upset that your parents didn't know basic stuff about your MS experience because they were focused on your older siblings. But that's not it -- your dad knew all about it and was explaining it to your brother. But your brother is not your dad. He gets a chance to live his life, and it doesn't nave to focus on yours anymore than yours needs to focus on his.

Both the PPs here kind of demonstrate the skewed perspective of many youngest children. You are holding older siblings to parental standards (your siblings are not your parents), ignoring basic facts of what your sibling might have gone through or is still going through, and fixating entirely on the impact on you.

Not knowing about your MS friend does not mean your sibling thinks you are insignificant. It might just mean they were studying for SATs or picking a college or taking their first college exams when that was going on, and did not have the mental bandwidth to focus closely on your day-to-day. That's okay. That's why you have parents.

I’ve noticed a trend with only children. My FIL is one and a once-close friend of mine. They are both very self centered and make everything about them and seem to have trouble with empathy. Relationships with them are very one sided - it’s about you being their support with little support in return to you.

Anonymous wrote:

I usually see the youngest as the most flexible. They're the ones who are always being dragged along to the older kids' athletic games or performances and by the time they are old enough to play on a team themselves the older kids are off doing their own things independently

I was glad to read this. I knew my brother's lives very well, their friends, their activities. I was there. I was present. I had no where else to go. They don't know me in the same way, not at all. They really know little about my friends (so much younger), the specifics of my activities, what my growing up was like apart from being an appendage to their lives.

As an adult you have to insist on an equal peer relationship with your siblings and that can be hard to achieve given the pattern

Yes! I've always noticed the same thing, and have felt a little bit... insignificant, or kind of insulted that my older brother seems to know/remember so little about me. When we're reminiscing with the family about growing up, he doesn't connect with a lot of the things I talk about. Yet, I remember his friends and sports and jobs. It's a small thing but it's definitely present when, for example, my dad brought up some funny story about my good friend and I in middle school. This friend has a"famous" last name for our area, is related to a major family who are a common household name locally. I went to family events with them and got to sit in box seats and front rows at major league baseball games with them. All sorts of fun stuff. My brother had no idea I was friends with this girl. It just struck me as odd... Did my parents never mention it to him? He was 5 years older so he just wasn't around I guess. I knew the names of all of his friends and anything big and special he got to do with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think about people’s birth order at all. I think this a very odd way to characterize your interactions with others. I don’t even know the birth order of most people unless they are typically close friends already — so I don’t have issues with them to start with.

Same here. Plus I wouldn’t normally think youngest in large family gets accommodated. The youngers usually have to go along with whatever is already in place for the older kids.

This. I usually see the youngest as the most flexible. They're the ones who are always being dragged along to the older kids' athletic games or performances and by the time they are old enough to play on a team themselves the older kids are off doing their own things independently. It can be tough being the youngest (and I say this as the one who was the oldest kid of my family).

I'm the youngest of 7 and agree with this. OP-your post was tough for me to read!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The youngest needs to *insist* on a peer relationship with everyone, with siblings once they are all adults.

Op, it may be their journey of understanding this importance and executing it may be getting in your way.

If they have traits of being "the baby" make sure you aren't drawn to this, initially, to dominate or care take. That's not going to work long term - that is not what they really want and they know that's not best for them.

Why would having peer relationship be unusual once everyone is adult?

Seriously? How many threads on this forum alone where someone complains they are pigeon-holed into a certain role in their family such as the baby whose input is never respected or the responsible one who has to do all the planning or the clown who never gets to have a serious issue? Happens all the time and often that someone has to deliberately break out and establish themselves as an equal and multi-dimensional adult.

Anonymous wrote:The youngest needs to *insist* on a peer relationship with everyone, with siblings once they are all adults.

Op, it may be their journey of understanding this importance and executing it may be getting in your way.

If they have traits of being "the baby" make sure you aren't drawn to this, initially, to dominate or care take. That's not going to work long term - that is not what they really want and they know that's not best for them.

Why would having peer relationship be unusual once everyone is adult?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think about people’s birth order at all. I think this a very odd way to characterize your interactions with others. I don’t even know the birth order of most people unless they are typically close friends already — so I don’t have issues with them to start with.

Same here. Plus I wouldn’t normally think youngest in large family gets accommodated. The youngers usually have to go along with whatever is already in place for the older kids.

This. I usually see the youngest as the most flexible. They're the ones who are always being dragged along to the older kids' athletic games or performances and by the time they are old enough to play on a team themselves the older kids are off doing their own things independently. It can be tough being the youngest (and I say this as the one who was the oldest kid of my family).

They are often much funnier and laid back, as well. At least compared to first-borns, who have to deal with anxious, hand-wringing parenting by two people who have no idea what they’re doing, arriving green in each new phase.

I usually see the youngest as the most flexible. They're the ones who are always being dragged along to the older kids' athletic games or performances and by the time they are old enough to play on a team themselves the older kids are off doing their own things independently

I was glad to read this. I knew my brother's lives very well, their friends, their activities. I was there. I was present. I had no where else to go. They don't know me in the same way, not at all. They really know little about my friends (so much younger), the specifics of my activities, what my growing up was like apart from being an appendage to their lives.

As an adult you have to insist on an equal peer relationship with your siblings and that can be hard to achieve given the pattern

The youngest needs to *insist* on a peer relationship with everyone, with siblings once they are all adults.

Op, it may be their journey of understanding this importance and executing it may be getting in your way.

If they have traits of being "the baby" make sure you aren't drawn to this, initially, to dominate or care take. That's not going to work long term - that is not what they really want and they know that's not best for them.

Sorry to say this but OP sounds like a cranky old lady. That's just my opinion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think about people’s birth order at all. I think this a very odd way to characterize your interactions with others. I don’t even know the birth order of most people unless they are typically close friends already — so I don’t have issues with them to start with.

Same here. Plus I wouldn’t normally think youngest in large family gets accommodated. The youngers usually have to go along with whatever is already in place for the older kids.

This. I usually see the youngest as the most flexible. They're the ones who are always being dragged along to the older kids' athletic games or performances and by the time they are old enough to play on a team themselves the older kids are off doing their own things independently. It can be tough being the youngest (and I say this as the one who was the oldest kid of my family).