Anonymous
Post 01/30/2022 11:25     Subject: Dealing with my mom after my dad died
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"This happened 40 years ago. I won't listen to you talk about it anymore. If we're on the phone I'm going to hang up; if we're in person I'm going to walk away. It happened FOUR DECADES ago. You MUST retire these issues at least with me. If you still need to process them I would be fine with helping you find a qualified therapist to help you move past them. I love you but can't listen to things that happened 40 years ago. You have a decision to make."

And then I'd stick to those boundaries.


I see this type of advice a lot OP, but if your mom is anything like mine she will explode with rage at this. i find a more subtle approach worked better for me. This was too direct for her crazy.


So what? Let her rage. Just don't engage with it.
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2022 11:22     Subject: Dealing with my mom after my dad died
Anonymous wrote:Every time I read these things I think, why are you still talking to her and having a relationship with her? You don’t need to have people in your life that hurt you. Come to my side- I haven’t talked to my mean, cruel mom in 9 months and the water is fine here. I should have done this years ago.


For the most part, my mom is a kind person and has had some difficult periods in her life. I don't want to cut my ties with her. My siblings and I feel an obligation to help her out financially and support her emotionally. My goal is to build boundaries so that I can continue to do all that while not getting caught up in this constant emotional baggage that she's been carrying around for years.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2022 20:24     Subject: Dealing with my mom after my dad died
Every time I read these things I think, why are you still talking to her and having a relationship with her? You don’t need to have people in your life that hurt you. Come to my side- I haven’t talked to my mean, cruel mom in 9 months and the water is fine here. I should have done this years ago.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2022 07:25     Subject: Dealing with my mom after my dad died
Anonymous wrote:I commend your patience OP. I would ask her why she chose this man and remind her that you have had ZERO choice in your parents. I am sorry for your situation especially when it seems the more you give her, the more she demands.


This all sounds reasonable for RATIONAL people. I have no idea if OP's mom is rational. I know with mine I had to learn you cannot reason with someone irrational so I just had to create boundaries and not explain, not help her see the light, not justify.