My spouse was silent most of therapy. She’d had to ask if he was too tired or feeling ill once. He’d say yes, he didn’t sleep well or something lame.

After the third session the psychologist fired us as clients. She only wants to work with people who want help helping themselves.

So got some clarity there!

Hi OP - I'm going through a divorce right now and not even close to an end now and we are coming up on a year of separation. The posters advocating for counseling are 100% correct. You need to do everything you can to save your marriage and family. The counseling will be very telling and how each of you responds will give you a better perspective because there is no stonewalling in therapy. Therapy is not necessarily for fixing a marriage but really defining what is going on and if it is worth saving.

Divorce is horrible, the process is horrible. It is an all out war and things get very, very ugly. You look back and think, "My God, how did it ever get this bad with someone you used to be in love with?"

If the marriage has to end, then at least you know you tried. But go in with eyes wide open to what will likely be a very mean, costly and painful process. It does get better, but make sure you have a good therapist for yourself to help you navigate your new normal.

It's just all so very sad. Hoping you all can find peace.

Sigh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today's issue: He says I am a horrible communicator. That I complain about things he does/doesnt do, but then don't follow up or give specifics on how to further address the issue. His words: if you want to adjust something with finances, say something. If you want to adjust something re division of labor, suggest it..."
I suggested we sit down this weekend at a specific time, that I will take the weekend to come up with specific details, answers, proposals etc to the issues we have identified. I asked if tomorrow at 8pm works for him for our talk:

his reply: Maybe. I don’t have anything to talk about until you put more effort into responding.

uhhhhhh okie dokie. The person complaining about my inability to communicate well (to his standards/liking) and asking me to follow through....is responding by being passive aggressive and not following through. Cool.

OK, so there you go. Put together your plan, tell him you have it ready and set a time to discuss. OP, we are only get your side of the story. Guarantee it, dear DCUM readers, there is more to this than we have here from OP.

I would do it with the third party therapist and him.

He is dumping on her. Who knows how much or how often. Very petty tactic in his part to stonewall.

Op here- exactly. He’s not speaking to me. Literaly walking around me closing door keeping to himself. I asked if he wanted to go for a quick lunch time walk. He said no.

I can’t say that I feel motivated to follow through with communication when it feels like I’m being punished with silent treatment.

Anonymous wrote:Today's issue: He says I am a horrible communicator. That I complain about things he does/doesnt do, but then don't follow up or give specifics on how to further address the issue. His words: if you want to adjust something with finances, say something. If you want to adjust something re division of labor, suggest it..."
I suggested we sit down this weekend at a specific time, that I will take the weekend to come up with specific details, answers, proposals etc to the issues we have identified. I asked if tomorrow at 8pm works for him for our talk:

his reply: Maybe. I don’t have anything to talk about until you put more effort into responding.

uhhhhhh okie dokie. The person complaining about my inability to communicate well (to his standards/liking) and asking me to follow through....is responding by being passive aggressive and not following through. Cool.

If someone is hurt and “complains” about me not doing something or doing something incorrectly, I’d want to fix it and not have it happen again. I would not tell my coworker or family members to “make a solution” for me and run a meeting on it. I’d dig in, seek understanding, not get super defensive (true misunderstandings don’t need that either), and work together as a team to help me or the situation.

Long term plan: Go with your gut OP.

Something feels terrible off and destabilizing? That is your mind and body telling you something is very not right in how he treats you. Death by 1000s cuts— unless you get a name for and get out. Either way, get out. Maybe years later your kid or you will figure out what his issue is.

Anonymous wrote:On the bright side, he’s telling you a problem he has with you re your style of communication. So that’s positive and it is worth discussing how you can communicate differently and better. On the other hand, his response was snippy at best, so you should talk about that too.

Yeah, he doesn’t like nor want to verbally communicate. That’s what he hates.

So now Op can paper up a PowerPoint, present it and he can nod along or pick at it.

Has he ever had a back and forth conversation?

I can see telling my spouse to prepare for a conversation on spring break options, or changing the kids schools, or when to see grandma overseas, but I would never want to be told to make a deliverable unless it’s very complicated.

He seems like he’s just making you jump through hoops. Sure have some points to make and goals, then both talk, back and forth, respectfully.

Anonymous wrote:I would try it just with him first. Maybe she should also ask him to give her a list of issues and solutions in writing first too.

If that goes badly, then propose therapy to continue the convo

I would try it just with him first. Maybe she should also ask him to give her a list of issues and solutions in writing first too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today's issue: He says I am a horrible communicator. That I complain about things he does/doesnt do, but then don't follow up or give specifics on how to further address the issue. His words: if you want to adjust something with finances, say something. If you want to adjust something re division of labor, suggest it..."
I suggested we sit down this weekend at a specific time, that I will take the weekend to come up with specific details, answers, proposals etc to the issues we have identified. I asked if tomorrow at 8pm works for him for our talk:

his reply: Maybe. I don’t have anything to talk about until you put more effort into responding.

uhhhhhh okie dokie. The person complaining about my inability to communicate well (to his standards/liking) and asking me to follow through....is responding by being passive aggressive and not following through. Cool.

OK, so there you go. Put together your plan, tell him you have it ready and set a time to discuss. OP, we are only get your side of the story. Guarantee it, dear DCUM readers, there is more to this than we have here from OP.

I would do it with the third party therapist and him.

He is dumping on her. Who knows how much or how often. Very petty tactic in his part to stonewall.

Anonymous wrote:Yes no physical abuse or anything like that
I am safe but miserable
I can’t tell you how many times I have on the tip of my tongue or actually whisper quietly “I want a divorce”
It’s like I whisper it or mouth or silently to try and gather the courage
Inside I am yelling screaming it

Can he take care of the child well alone and with no guidance? Does he know what’s going on in the household, schedule and child? Do the two of them have a good connection and relationship? Decent parenting skills too?

If so, I don’t see that being a gating item. Not finances.

Just the prospect of change or moving house? Maybe see a therapist for a couple months to gear up. And some lawyer consults. Do the paperwork, find a mediator, assuming he is not high conflict or have anger problems.

On the bright side, he’s telling you a problem he has with you re your style of communication. So that’s positive and it is worth discussing how you can communicate differently and better. On the other hand, his response was snippy at best, so you should talk about that too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today's issue: He says I am a horrible communicator. That I complain about things he does/doesnt do, but then don't follow up or give specifics on how to further address the issue. His words: if you want to adjust something with finances, say something. If you want to adjust something re division of labor, suggest it..."
I suggested we sit down this weekend at a specific time, that I will take the weekend to come up with specific details, answers, proposals etc to the issues we have identified. I asked if tomorrow at 8pm works for him for our talk:

his reply: Maybe. I don’t have anything to talk about until you put more effort into responding.

uhhhhhh okie dokie. The person complaining about my inability to communicate well (to his standards/liking) and asking me to follow through....is responding by being passive aggressive and not following through. Cool.

Then go to therapy to learn how to communicate w each other.

Get out a pad of paper and make a list and give it to him. One list is problems/issues you have and for each, what he can do to make it better.

Definitely will do this. Thank you! And i agree it will not only be productive but make me feel better to write and detail it out
I was just caught off guard by what I feel is a childish response…seems bizarre to say to someone “I’m frustrated at your lack of communication- what’s your plan to address this in our relationship? I don’t want time and space to be reasons to avoid conversations.” I offer an invitation a time and a plan…and the response is “maybe. Until you out more effort into responding I don’t have anything to talk about”

Legit what kind of response is that

Admittedly not a great response on his part. He says you do not communicate well but when you set up a time to talk he is resistant to doing that until you’ve given him a list of grievances. That’s pretty controlling and inflexible. It also sounds like he is totally focused on what the fixes are. That is pretty typical for some men. Doesn’t think you communicate well because you express a feeling but don’t tell him how to fix it. If the problems are how he makes you feel, then you should describe it that way. How you feel about his behavior is not something he can deny or dispute.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today's issue: He says I am a horrible communicator. That I complain about things he does/doesnt do, but then don't follow up or give specifics on how to further address the issue. His words: if you want to adjust something with finances, say something. If you want to adjust something re division of labor, suggest it..."
I suggested we sit down this weekend at a specific time, that I will take the weekend to come up with specific details, answers, proposals etc to the issues we have identified. I asked if tomorrow at 8pm works for him for our talk:

his reply: Maybe. I don’t have anything to talk about until you put more effort into responding.

uhhhhhh okie dokie. The person complaining about my inability to communicate well (to his standards/liking) and asking me to follow through....is responding by being passive aggressive and not following through. Cool.

Then go to therapy to learn how to communicate w each other.

Get out a pad of paper and make a list and give it to him. One list is problems/issues you have and for each, what he can do to make it better.

Definitely will do this. Thank you! And i agree it will not only be productive but make me feel better to write and detail it out
I was just caught off guard by what I feel is a childish response…seems bizarre to say to someone “I’m frustrated at your lack of communication- what’s your plan to address this in our relationship? I don’t want time and space to be reasons to avoid conversations.” I offer an invitation a time and a plan…and the response is “maybe. Until you out more effort into responding I don’t have anything to talk about”

Legit what kind of response is that

Anonymous wrote:To run
But I can’t/won’t bc of our young child
It shouldn’t be this hard
I shouldn’t have had this many doubts for years
I don’t respect him, i often don’t like him, and I don’t need him for finances or romantic satisfaction
We have grown apart and changed
I shouldn’t often dream of an accident or something happening to him as my way out
This is no way to live
But I feel paralyzed and stuck

I am in the middle (nearing the end, yea!) of divorce, after many years of thinking about it. The thing that helped me the most is-knowledge. Knowledge and information.

Thinking through scenarios. Having an idea of what to expect. I have done lots of reading, here and other places (the internet is NOT legal advice btw). I consulted an atty. Talked to trusted friends.

For me, my dc is now school aged and I feel much better about shared parenting than I did when dc was smaller.

OP, I was at the point you are at. I feel much better now, just looking forward to finishing the divorce and moving on in life. It's scary but exciting.