Anonymous wrote: they are so comfortable being miserable, I think they are unable to feel any way else; it is their comfort zone. The barbs and sarcasm is meant to make us feel miserable too. I would say my mother is a ‘heart eater’, taught to her by her mother.

I agree, miserable is their comfort zone. Even if my mother starts to seem happy for an hour, she will intentionally pull something from her mind to upset herself. (Similar to how we will slip back into bad posture even though we know it'll hurt our back later. Or like alcoholics will intentionally drink). If others are happy around her, she thinks we are ignoring or dismissing her feelings.

I’m sorry OP. I cannot imagine being mean/rude to my grown children. I love spending time with them and we travel often. You need to limit your visits. As a mom, if my adult child was mean to me, I’d distance myself. Everyone deserves respect.

They are in old age what they have always been. Just with more intensity."

Yes, this. OP, it sounds like you're in real denial about the nature of your relationship with your mother, and likely about your entire family system. I know it's hard to acknowledge that all was not well with your family, but few people turn into this overnight, and it sounds this is a drama triangle that you're trained to participate in over and over. You don't NEED to do anything other than be responsible for your behavior. It's okay to not visit. It's okay to insist that she's medicated before you visit. Just because she's related doesn't mean you need to put up with her abuse.

they are so comfortable being miserable, I think they are unable to feel any way else; it is their comfort zone. The barbs and sarcasm is meant to make us feel miserable too. I would say my mother is a ‘heart eater’, taught to her by her mother.

My mom is like yours OP and my grandma was like this. I don't remember my mom doing it when I was younger though so I think it is an age thing.

I relate to everything everyone has said. With my mom, you never know when the barb will come. Sometimes things will seem fine and she will lash out for no reason. And she always has to be right until you can completely prove her wrong and even then she will argue about it. She is not like that with my kids and I have to remind myself that my kids really really love her.

My mom does the opposite. If I lose weight she will ask if I am eating enough and will ask if I am getting the right nutrients, cut articles about people who drink too much water and what happens to them. She is super passive aggressive. It's hard to win with her sometimes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but only about weight. She's 82 y/o, mentally and physically fine. I'm 46 y/o, 5'7 and 135 lbs. and when I tell her that I'm older and have two kids, she tells me that she remembers me how I looked in college.

5’7” and 135 is DANG good!!

Yup agree with that. my mom is crazy like this. If I lose weight from stress she gushes about how much better I look and says I need more stress to be "svelte."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but only about weight. She's 82 y/o, mentally and physically fine. I'm 46 y/o, 5'7 and 135 lbs. and when I tell her that I'm older and have two kids, she tells me that she remembers me how I looked in college.

5’7” and 135 is DANG good!!

Yup agree with that. my mom is crazy like this. If I lose weight from stress she gushes about how much better I look and says I need more stress to be "svelte."

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but only about weight. She's 82 y/o, mentally and physically fine. I'm 46 y/o, 5'7 and 135 lbs. and when I tell her that I'm older and have two kids, she tells me that she remembers me how I looked in college.

5’7” and 135 is DANG good!!

Anonymous wrote:And they set up traps that my sister and I walk into constantly that triggers her verbal rant. There is no way to avoid this because we are trained to react to her verbal test and puppetry, instead of not rising to it or taking the bait. It is especially glaring now because my mother has very few people left in her life so the focus is on us and what we do wrong.i really feel that her behavior is a generational thing, and I vowed never to repeat this behavior with my own children.

OMG...the rants! Baits, rants, guilt-trips,the nasty-angry voice, barbs,stabs.... why would anyone want to do this to her daughter. Like if you hate us so much, why not just keep your distance?

Anonymous wrote:Every year around Mother’s Day I stand and look at the cards at the store: “Mom, you’ve always been there for me,” “Mom, you’ve always loved me unconditionally,” “Mom, I’m so lucky to have a mother like you.”

And my whole life I have wondered, “Are there really people who feel that way about their mothers?”

I so relate to this. Even worse, my mom demands that I buy more effusive cards. All I could handle was "Happy Mother's Day" because the rest would be lies. I have a massive fear of turning into her.

And they set up traps that my sister and I walk into constantly that triggers her verbal rant. There is no way to avoid this because we are trained to react to her verbal test and puppetry, instead of not rising to it or taking the bait. It is especially glaring now because my mother has very few people left in her life so the focus is on us and what we do wrong.i really feel that her behavior is a generational thing, and I vowed never to repeat this behavior with my own children.

They are in old age what they have always been. Just with more intensity.

Every year around Mother’s Day I stand and look at the cards at the store: “Mom, you’ve always been there for me,” “Mom, you’ve always loved me unconditionally,” “Mom, I’m so lucky to have a mother like you.”

And my whole life I have wondered, “Are there really people who feel that way about their mothers?”

Anonymous wrote:Whyyy are they like this? Are we just supposed to
accept it? I feel like I can’t do it.

What books should I read?

Emotional immaturity, lack of self-reflection, mental health issues-such as depression and personality disorders

Toxic Parents-helpful, but they tell you to confront. Didn't go well in my mom's case so now I just set boundaries by doing, not by saying
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents-helps you mourn the fact you don't have a nurturing parent and learn to detach. They nailed it with the whole "healing fantasy" you have to give up where you think if you do or say the right thing the person will magically treat you well.

I find this all helpful, but I still vent here and I still get upset. It just doesn't get me as upset as it used to.

Whyyy are they like this? Are we just supposed to
accept it? I feel like I can’t do it.

What books should I read?