I have an acquaintance who is ALWAYS having a crisis. She's surgically manipulating her body, and then having complications. She wants someone to throw out her garbage and recycling. She wants someone to drive her ferret to the vet physical therapist. She wants someone to change a light bulb. If you have the August 2006 issue of Men's Health please drop it off. Her requests and problems never stop. I had to disengage. It's nice that she has a big heart, but if she can't care for her two handicapped ferrets, either financially or physically then she's not the right person to have them.

Maybe you don't realize how high drama you are.

I had a friend who disappeared while I was going through cancer treatment. In hindsight, she probably just didn't know what to do or say, so she did nothing. I didn't actually NEED anything, other than a friend. Cancer is so isolating and I just wanted normalcy. I wanted to hear the stupid neighborhood gossip and what her kids were up to and how work was going, because it made me feel connected to the real (non-medical) world. In the end, I could forgive her disappearance, but what I couldn't forgive was her reappearance after radiation was done and her wanting to pick up where we left off as though nothing had happened. Our first get together after cancer treatment resulted in her talking nonstop about her job, with a casual, "oh hey, how are you?" thrown in. I was just done. Not out of anger, but more so because I realized that this person didn't know me at all. Cancer changes you, your outlook on life, your relationships, your priorities...and she had no idea who I was by then. I think that's the key...a friend who is along for the ride (good times and bad) just knows how a difficult time in your life can change you. It's not the casserole, it's the feeling that you're not alone in your fight.

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by disappeared?
Are they communicating less frequently?
Do they know you are struggling?
Have you communicated your needs ?
You said you do not need anything physically or emotionally so what are you expecting?

Tell them what you need, if it’s so small just let them know.

Anonymous wrote:I’m going through a very hard time right now, perhaps the hardest time of my life. One of my closest friends has really shocked and disappointed me in that she has completely disappeared. I would never have expected that of her in a million years and I have to admit that it’s hurt me. I’ve always been a very independent person and I’m not accustomed to being or feeling vulnerable or “needy” and I hate it.

To be honest, I don’t actually “need” anything, either practical or emotional. I’m not necessarily wanting to talk about things and I don’t need meals or anything else for that matter. But a quick text to let me know she’s thinking of me every now and then would be nice. I just don’t understand her complete lack of care; it is unimaginable to me in that I’ve never disappeared on a friend like that and never would.

I think because I’m vulnerable right now this is getting to me more than it normally would and I’m kind of letting it wash over me and affect how I’m coping or thinking about my situation. How can I snap out of it and just let it go and focus on the people who have shown up (and even pleasantly surprised me)?

I’ve sort of pulled away from a friend in a crisis after being there for a while. What you need to understand is the other people are going through stuff too. It’s hard on a singular person if you are putting all of your stuff on just them. Don’t forget we are going through a pandemic now. All this to say, it sucks and I would try to give the person some benefit of the doubt but if you really need someone to pour your emotional / thoughts to maybe a counselor?

Does she have a young family or a business? I've literally been non available for a good 3 months. Between illnesses, surgery, childcare non-availability and staffing shortages its a miracle I'm still functioning.

What do you mean by disappeared?
Are they communicating less frequently?
Do they know you are struggling?
Have you communicated your needs ?
You said you do not need anything physically or emotionally so what are you expecting?

Anonymous wrote:Have you reached out to her to ask her how she’s doing? Maybe she’s having a hard time right now too.

+1
If you are thinking of her, text HER. if you do that a few times with zero response then you can complain, but not until you have tried reaching out too.

Do they know you’re going through a tough time? Do they know the magnitude of the problems? Sometimes you have to make that clear to people. And other times, people are “good time friends” but flake when the going gets tough. At least you know now if that’s the case and can frame your future interactions accordingly. I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time.

Anonymous wrote:Been there, OP. It stinks. Someone I thought was a very close friend totally checked out when my mom died suddenly and it really altered our friendship going forward. On the flip side, some unexpected people reached out and kept reaching out and it made a terrible time more tolerable. I’m sorry you’re struggling, OP, and I hope things improve for you.

Is there any way the silent friends could apologize that would be okay? I was going through a tough personal time when my friend's mom died and I sent some texts and meant to send flowers and a loving card... And I didn't. I'm so ashamed, but don't know how to remedy.

I'm bad in a crisis. I'm trying to get better. I always feel like whatever I offer would be insufficient, or I can't think of the right way to reach out, or if my communication is adding to their burden.

If someone told me what they needed, though, I'd like to think I'd step up.

I'm really sorry your going through a hard time. Can anonymous internet strangers give you any solace? if so, we're here for you!

Friends are fleeting and you're better off expecting very little from them. Family is what counts. That's why I feel so sorry for so many DCUM women who do nothing but complain about theirs.

I’m a “bad times” friend. When a friend is in a bad time it’s when I’m the most activated. I don’t know why, it’s just my nature. But because of that, I’m extra forgiving of good times friends. I assume it’s also just their nature and they don’t know what to do or say.

OP, it is what they would wish for themselves. They would want privacy. They are assuming you are the same.

At least consider this a possibility
Speak up

Been there, OP. It stinks. Someone I thought was a very close friend totally checked out when my mom died suddenly and it really altered our friendship going forward. On the flip side, some unexpected people reached out and kept reaching out and it made a terrible time more tolerable. I’m sorry you’re struggling, OP, and I hope things improve for you.

Have you reached out to her to ask her how she’s doing? Maybe she’s having a hard time right now too.