Anonymous
01/15/2022 18:15
Subject: Tips for difficult father in law
Be out of the house AND take the kids with you.
There, fixed my own post!
There, fixed my own post!
Anonymous
01/15/2022 17:32
Subject: Tips for difficult father in law
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op Here.
I appreciate your comments. DH doesn’t think it’s as bad as I do because he didn’t witness most of the behavior. He was on zoom calls all day when we visited FIL, and while he agrees with me that he can’t be trusted with the kids and “acts weird” with them, he doesn’t think it got to be as bad as I make it out to be.
My son is not a liar, and I don’t like feeling gaslit by my husband. I showed him the comments and he called Fil and told him the trip must be shorted to a week, but he did not mention any of the accusations of abuse some of you alleged. My husband felt that the children stressed out his father who started to act out. I disagree and think his father has some sort of mental issue I have no interest in unraveling.
As a compromise, my husband agreed to take a trip with my father In law where he would have his own cabin and own space and never be around the children alone. He promised to speak up and defend my daughter if it came to it. I haven’t spoken to my father In law since our trip to his home many months ago, mostly because I’m sure I won’t be able to be super civil. We were barely speaking when I left, but were very civil and polite.
I understand he is old and depressed, but there is no need to take it out on an innocent child. Do you think I should tell my children to immediately get me if he should act like this again? Usually they would tell me later. I don’t want to drag them into this, but I don’t want my daughter and son to think I am condoning this behavior.
ps- I was not making lunches or cleaning for him towards the end of the trip. And yes I did feel like a doormat and I did resent it.
English is not my first language so my apologies- in lieu of him coming to my house father in law come with us and we will stay in our own cabins for a week. Husband also promised to be “on alert” for this behavior
When is this cabin vacation happening?
I think you need to break some patterns on this trip. Stop taking sole responsibility for cooking and cleaning. Agree with your DH that he will be responsible for certain things, and do NOT do his work for him, no matter what. If FIL asks you to wait on him, say "DH, FIL needs something" or tell your FIL how to get it himself. You don't owe it to him to look after every little thing, he's an adult capable of living on his own and cooks and cleans for himself, right? So he can continue to look after himself even in your presence and not suddenly turn into King Baby who needs you to be his mommy.
Anonymous
01/15/2022 17:19
Subject: Tips for difficult father in law
Yep. Whatever he expects of you, tell him that you're busy and he can ask your husband. It seems like you're stuck in some very unhealthy gender roles. If your husband has to do the work or deal with the fallout, there will be a lot fewer visits. If he doesn't like the normal behavior of children, he should not ask to visit a household with children. So let the kids act how they act and if he doesn't like it, bye.
It will be incredibly damaging to your child if your father tolerates her being mistreated in her own home. You have to intervene the very first time. "Joe, do not speak disrespectfully to Larla." Then stand there and look at him and let it be very, very awkward for a while. That's the only way to draw a boundary. If he gets mad and leaves, you win. This is no kind of grandparent relationship that benefits your child, at all. If your FIL is lonely, it is only the consequence of his own bad choices and not your problem to solve by allowing your child to be mistreated.
You could get a nursery camera so that you can hear what he's saying when he thinks you are not listening. Try that and record it on your phone for your husband to hear.
It will be incredibly damaging to your child if your father tolerates her being mistreated in her own home. You have to intervene the very first time. "Joe, do not speak disrespectfully to Larla." Then stand there and look at him and let it be very, very awkward for a while. That's the only way to draw a boundary. If he gets mad and leaves, you win. This is no kind of grandparent relationship that benefits your child, at all. If your FIL is lonely, it is only the consequence of his own bad choices and not your problem to solve by allowing your child to be mistreated.
You could get a nursery camera so that you can hear what he's saying when he thinks you are not listening. Try that and record it on your phone for your husband to hear.
Anonymous
01/15/2022 17:03
Subject: Tips for difficult father in law
Also if your husband wants to wait on him then that’s his choice but you don’t have to go along with it.
Anonymous
01/15/2022 17:01
Subject: Tips for difficult father in law
Anonymous wrote:I forgot to add:
(1) we don’t use him for childcare ever
(2) the kids were in camp the last time we visited him
(3) we took the kids out every day as I absolutely acknowledge that they were stressors for him. We limited their interactions as much as possible.
(4) we have zero plans for another extended visit to his house
(5) my father In law is relatively young and healthy
(6) he has an expectation of being “served” for lack of a better word. He doesn’t help out around our house or his house when he visits and expects me to clean up after him and making him all his meals. When I told him gently lunch would be very simple since i work full time, he didn’t really listen to care.
I am absolutely in agreement that he worked hard his whole life and deserves to enjoy his retirement, but I think there should be a balance between being courteous and helpful to us by cleaning up after himself and not attacking my daughter. I also would never demand my husband not see him.
Wow. You are a saint.
First your husband absolutely has to run interference and he has to come hone early from work. Abd as for you, WTF are you doing serving him???? Anytime he asks you for something, stay seated and say “DH your dad needs something.” Redirect every time.
Before he comes you absolutely need to talk to your husband about standing up for your daughter. This is not negotiable. Your FIL cannot come into your daughter’s house and treat her like dirt. Two weeks is way too long. Your child needs you and her father to stand up for her. I have a 7 year old too. She will remember this and this will affect your future relationship.
Anonymous
01/15/2022 16:59
Subject: Tips for difficult father in law
Anonymous wrote:Tell both your children to walk away and find you if he is being unkind.
This is so helpful.
I feel really emboldened right now. Thank you for your support. He is really an awful man. Sorry! I know he is my husbands father, but truly there is a reason he is totally alone.
Op
Anonymous
01/15/2022 16:53
Subject: Tips for difficult father in law
Tell both your children to walk away and find you if he is being unkind.
Anonymous
01/15/2022 16:52
Subject: Tips for difficult father in law
Anonymous wrote:Op Here.
I appreciate your comments. DH doesn’t think it’s as bad as I do because he didn’t witness most of the behavior. He was on zoom calls all day when we visited FIL, and while he agrees with me that he can’t be trusted with the kids and “acts weird” with them, he doesn’t think it got to be as bad as I make it out to be.
My son is not a liar, and I don’t like feeling gaslit by my husband. I showed him the comments and he called Fil and told him the trip must be shorted to a week, but he did not mention any of the accusations of abuse some of you alleged. My husband felt that the children stressed out his father who started to act out. I disagree and think his father has some sort of mental issue I have no interest in unraveling.
As a compromise, my husband agreed to take a trip with my father In law where he would have his own cabin and own space and never be around the children alone. He promised to speak up and defend my daughter if it came to it. I haven’t spoken to my father In law since our trip to his home many months ago, mostly because I’m sure I won’t be able to be super civil. We were barely speaking when I left, but were very civil and polite.
I understand he is old and depressed, but there is no need to take it out on an innocent child. Do you think I should tell my children to immediately get me if he should act like this again? Usually they would tell me later. I don’t want to drag them into this, but I don’t want my daughter and son to think I am condoning this behavior.
ps- I was not making lunches or cleaning for him towards the end of the trip. And yes I did feel like a doormat and I did resent it.
English is not my first language so my apologies- in lieu of him coming to my house father in law come with us and we will stay in our own cabins for a week. Husband also promised to be “on alert” for this behavior
Anonymous
01/15/2022 16:51
Subject: Tips for difficult father in law
Op Here.
I appreciate your comments. DH doesn’t think it’s as bad as I do because he didn’t witness most of the behavior. He was on zoom calls all day when we visited FIL, and while he agrees with me that he can’t be trusted with the kids and “acts weird” with them, he doesn’t think it got to be as bad as I make it out to be.
My son is not a liar, and I don’t like feeling gaslit by my husband. I showed him the comments and he called Fil and told him the trip must be shorted to a week, but he did not mention any of the accusations of abuse some of you alleged. My husband felt that the children stressed out his father who started to act out. I disagree and think his father has some sort of mental issue I have no interest in unraveling.
As a compromise, my husband agreed to take a trip with my father In law where he would have his own cabin and own space and never be around the children alone. He promised to speak up and defend my daughter if it came to it. I haven’t spoken to my father In law since our trip to his home many months ago, mostly because I’m sure I won’t be able to be super civil. We were barely speaking when I left, but were very civil and polite.
I understand he is old and depressed, but there is no need to take it out on an innocent child. Do you think I should tell my children to immediately get me if he should act like this again? Usually they would tell me later. I don’t want to drag them into this, but I don’t want my daughter and son to think I am condoning this behavior.
ps- I was not making lunches or cleaning for him towards the end of the trip. And yes I did feel like a doormat and I did resent it.
I appreciate your comments. DH doesn’t think it’s as bad as I do because he didn’t witness most of the behavior. He was on zoom calls all day when we visited FIL, and while he agrees with me that he can’t be trusted with the kids and “acts weird” with them, he doesn’t think it got to be as bad as I make it out to be.
My son is not a liar, and I don’t like feeling gaslit by my husband. I showed him the comments and he called Fil and told him the trip must be shorted to a week, but he did not mention any of the accusations of abuse some of you alleged. My husband felt that the children stressed out his father who started to act out. I disagree and think his father has some sort of mental issue I have no interest in unraveling.
As a compromise, my husband agreed to take a trip with my father In law where he would have his own cabin and own space and never be around the children alone. He promised to speak up and defend my daughter if it came to it. I haven’t spoken to my father In law since our trip to his home many months ago, mostly because I’m sure I won’t be able to be super civil. We were barely speaking when I left, but were very civil and polite.
I understand he is old and depressed, but there is no need to take it out on an innocent child. Do you think I should tell my children to immediately get me if he should act like this again? Usually they would tell me later. I don’t want to drag them into this, but I don’t want my daughter and son to think I am condoning this behavior.
ps- I was not making lunches or cleaning for him towards the end of the trip. And yes I did feel like a doormat and I did resent it.
Anonymous
01/15/2022 15:46
Subject: Tips for difficult father in law
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You husband needs to sharply correct him if her is out of line with your daughter. Your daughter NEEDS to see her parents standing up for her, especially in her own home.
I could not agree more with you. I have and will stand up to him on her behalf, but this made my father in law crafty. My son told me the minute I leave the room he begins to berate her or call her mean nicknames.
WTAF, OP? This man would not be anywhere near my daughter, much less in her house for 2 weeks. What is wrong with you??? Protect your daughter. I cannot believe you allow this. This is a hill to die on.
Anonymous
01/15/2022 15:37
Subject: Tips for difficult father in law
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You husband needs to sharply correct him if her is out of line with your daughter. Your daughter NEEDS to see her parents standing up for her, especially in her own home.
I could not agree more with you. I have and will stand up to him on her behalf, but this made my father in law crafty. My son told me the minute I leave the room he begins to berate her or call her mean nicknames.
This is unacceptable. He should not be welcome at your house if this behavior doesn’t stop immediately. Your DH can visit him alone if he wishes. But the rest of you do not have to tolerate any of this.
Anonymous
01/15/2022 15:33
Subject: Re:Tips for difficult father in law
If your child cannot feel safe in her own home, she will never feel safe.
Anonymous
01/15/2022 15:31
Subject: Re:Tips for difficult father in law
Why is this a question? You protect your daughter and by extension your son too. Children need to know parents will protect them and their siblings.
He cannot stay in your home. Get him a hotel. Send your DH.
He is abusive. He had not earned anything.
He cannot stay in your home. Get him a hotel. Send your DH.
He is abusive. He had not earned anything.
Anonymous
01/15/2022 15:30
Subject: Tips for difficult father in law
Anonymous wrote:Op --- YOU spend less time with him. You have things to do out of the house. You have a busy life.
I would not allow him to be alone with the kids.
I would write him a letter with your grievances and explain what will happen if it continues. This is your final warning.
Anonymous
01/15/2022 15:26
Subject: Tips for difficult father in law
Op --- YOU spend less time with him. You have things to do out of the house. You have a busy life.