Anonymous
01/14/2022 22:00
Subject: Re:Happily divorced
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have been divorced for almost five years. Two grown children. I don't hate my ex, we were married for 18 years and had many happy memories, especially when the kids were young. He is a great father. He was a good worker bee. He is, unfortunately, lazy and very unimaginative. Also a hoarder, a drinker and more introverted as he ages. Not a bad person, just wholly incompatible with the person I became. We lived separate lives in the same house for almost 3 years until I decided that death by a thousand cuts wasn't good for me. He would have stayed married, because he was living the life he wanted and I wasn't bothering him. His sloth and drinking and hoarding were depressing me. He retired as soon as he was eligible, and I'm not interested in retiring until my early 60s.
I lost twenty pounds, am in much better mental and physical shape and am much more active socially and in terms of travel. We are on cordial terms, and he occasionally expresses amazement that I fit so much into a day and a week. It took me forever to understand that not only was he satisfied with his life, but that my life would exhaust and intimidate him.
Summary: divorce is always unfortunate but sometimes can be not only necessary but wonderful for the spouses.
Funny. You say he was the lazy one yet you didn't drop the 20 pounds until after you split up.
NP.
Depression can cause weight gain and drain you of motivation.
If you hate women so much, why are you always here? Is this the only time you can get a woman to talk to you?
eohnstad
01/14/2022 21:52
Subject: Happily divorced
DWM, 53: Been separated and divorced for 3-1/2 years. It's good to have perspective of the past. But, dating sucks, especially online. No relationships, no sex, no hint or even remote prospects. I'm good with myself and happy--if you can't live with yourself, you can't live with someone else. Thank god I lost that craving and fantasy for True Love. It might be real for 1:million but it's BS. Mostly feel like George Carlin https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbGR0TGJv7g
Anonymous
01/14/2022 19:58
Subject: Re:Happily divorced
Anonymous wrote:57yo Male. Divorced for 4 years. My life is amazing and only getting better.
The divorce was tough - she filed and created a custody battle where there didn't need to be one. I had very much wanted to go to counseling and do whatever it took to stay together but she wanted none of that.
The first couple years after divorce I wanted NOTHING to do with a relationship. I simply lived my life and made my child the focus; HS, college plans, etc. I absolutely LOVED having financial autonomy - no more demands that I make more money, or fighting about what to do with it. The clouds had parted and the sun was shining once again!
Then I started to get the feeling that I'd like to date, so I did via a dating app. It went ok; a couple of false starts after a lot of first/last so-so dates. Then I tried a different site that was female centric (Bumble) and met an incredible woman who is slightly older than me with very similar values and attitudes. We are totally in love and very committed to each other. It's the healthiest relationship we can recall having, because we have lived through our shit, made our mistakes, and both LEARNED from them.
I never thought I'd feel this way at this point in my life. And for those that are curious, the sex is incredible; frequent, deeply connected, loving, honest, playful, and hot. We are both convinced that this is because of totally open communication and constant talking about our life and relationship.
If you feel like you need to divorce - do it! Trust me, there is a whole world of happiness out there and it's up to each person to find their own. Good luck.
Wow, that’s a beautiful story. Takes courage to move into the unknown. Happy for you that things have worked out!
Anonymous
01/14/2022 19:56
Subject: Happily divorced
can't even imagine having to placate - forever - a full time live in lover anymore.
This describes it perfectly. I really feel that since I have kids already, cohabitation is not important, and even detrimental.
Anonymous
01/14/2022 19:51
Subject: Happily divorced
Like a previous poster, it has taken me about 2 years to get comfortable being divorced. I really mourned not being a wife, even if I could no longer tolerate being married to my ex. I am now happily divorced, and will tell anyone that I am just fine on my own.
Is being divorced and having two young children difficult? At times. At this point I cannot fathom cohabitating or remarrying. Never say never, but I'm saying it feels highly unlikely. I manage my own and my children's lives pretty well alone. I only see a partner or spouse as a complication at this point. I have a man I see for fun, occasionally. Maybe I will evolve beyond that mindset... who knows.
Is being divorced and having two young children difficult? At times. At this point I cannot fathom cohabitating or remarrying. Never say never, but I'm saying it feels highly unlikely. I manage my own and my children's lives pretty well alone. I only see a partner or spouse as a complication at this point. I have a man I see for fun, occasionally. Maybe I will evolve beyond that mindset... who knows.
Anonymous
01/14/2022 17:19
Subject: Happily divorced
It's freedom and peace of mind. I don't have to worry about his next stupid act. Giving up his career, f-ing the neighbor's wife, using his retirement savings to invest in some fly-by-night scheme.
I am in complete control of my life, my finances, and I lack drama in my life. Which gives me peace.
I can't even imagine having to placate - forever - a full time live in lover anymore.
I am in complete control of my life, my finances, and I lack drama in my life. Which gives me peace.
I can't even imagine having to placate - forever - a full time live in lover anymore.
Anonymous
01/14/2022 17:16
Subject: Happily divorced
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't know why anyone is surprised that a rapist was known to his victim. I'm sorry, PP. You didn't deserve what that jerk did.
I remain happily divorced from my first husband and happily married to my second. It's been...17 years. I'm 48. There was a decade there where I was solo with a kid.
Can you tell us more about your second marriage? What makes it good? Is anything hard since you have a kid? Did you second husband come to the marriage childless?
Short answer: on my end, a sweet f@#$-ton of therapy. My first marriage was an abusive repeat of my upbringing. I married into what felt familiar. On my spouse's end, he's a solidly good human being I enjoy being with, and apparently he thinks I'm pretty terrific. We were friends for years first. This is his first marriage, and he has no bio kids. We married when my child was an adolescent...that's not an easy ask of anyone, but everyone stepped up. It never would have happened if my child didn't like him immensely.
Anonymous
01/14/2022 16:11
Subject: Re:Happily divorced
57yo Male. Divorced for 4 years. My life is amazing and only getting better.
The divorce was tough - she filed and created a custody battle where there didn't need to be one. I had very much wanted to go to counseling and do whatever it took to stay together but she wanted none of that.
The first couple years after divorce I wanted NOTHING to do with a relationship. I simply lived my life and made my child the focus; HS, college plans, etc. I absolutely LOVED having financial autonomy - no more demands that I make more money, or fighting about what to do with it. The clouds had parted and the sun was shining once again!
Then I started to get the feeling that I'd like to date, so I did via a dating app. It went ok; a couple of false starts after a lot of first/last so-so dates. Then I tried a different site that was female centric (Bumble) and met an incredible woman who is slightly older than me with very similar values and attitudes. We are totally in love and very committed to each other. It's the healthiest relationship we can recall having, because we have lived through our shit, made our mistakes, and both LEARNED from them.
I never thought I'd feel this way at this point in my life. And for those that are curious, the sex is incredible; frequent, deeply connected, loving, honest, playful, and hot. We are both convinced that this is because of totally open communication and constant talking about our life and relationship.
If you feel like you need to divorce - do it! Trust me, there is a whole world of happiness out there and it's up to each person to find their own. Good luck.
The divorce was tough - she filed and created a custody battle where there didn't need to be one. I had very much wanted to go to counseling and do whatever it took to stay together but she wanted none of that.
The first couple years after divorce I wanted NOTHING to do with a relationship. I simply lived my life and made my child the focus; HS, college plans, etc. I absolutely LOVED having financial autonomy - no more demands that I make more money, or fighting about what to do with it. The clouds had parted and the sun was shining once again!
Then I started to get the feeling that I'd like to date, so I did via a dating app. It went ok; a couple of false starts after a lot of first/last so-so dates. Then I tried a different site that was female centric (Bumble) and met an incredible woman who is slightly older than me with very similar values and attitudes. We are totally in love and very committed to each other. It's the healthiest relationship we can recall having, because we have lived through our shit, made our mistakes, and both LEARNED from them.
I never thought I'd feel this way at this point in my life. And for those that are curious, the sex is incredible; frequent, deeply connected, loving, honest, playful, and hot. We are both convinced that this is because of totally open communication and constant talking about our life and relationship.
If you feel like you need to divorce - do it! Trust me, there is a whole world of happiness out there and it's up to each person to find their own. Good luck.
Anonymous
01/14/2022 16:01
Subject: Happily divorced
I'm much happier now! My ex has had some pretty serious legal and financial challenges since we divorced, and I saw the red flags before I left him. He also cheated on me and we fought constantly, so leaving him was just a huge relief. The actual divorce was hard and co-parenting has been hard, but my marriage was so bad that I felt like I had no other choice. Over the years he's faded into the background as a co-parent, which makes things easier. I literally couldn't live and be married with him any longer - I was at a very low point in my life at the end of our marriage.
Anonymous
01/14/2022 15:58
Subject: Happily divorced
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m a 48 year old woman, been divorced for 5 years after almost 20 years of marriage. The first two years were the hardest I’ve ever been through. It was like I had to go through a rebirth and redefine everything I thought I knew about the direction my life was going. I had a epiphany after about the second year that I was going to be okay, I needed to trust the universe and I needed to let go of the past and start doing things that brought me joy. It was only at that point that everything turned a corner, I started feeling normal again and I regained my happiness. I haven’t lost it since. Things are amazing. I think coming to terms with the dissolution of the marriage and being able to completely let go of my XH and get over all of my anger and jealousy and negative feelings for him were the turning point. I harbor no I’ll will toward him, in fact I have no feelings at all. And I wouldn’t change my current life for anything!
What is your current life like? I am 51 divorced 4 years and still get so angry and depressed thinking about how I was raped and my dreams stolen.
I’m so sorry about your situation! If you can possibly find a way to come to terms with what happened to you so you can let go and move forward I think you’d be in such a better place. My epiphany came when I was on a trip with my son and he met some kids his age and I was forced to essentially vacation alone (I saw him from time to time but he was having a great time with new friends). It forced me to reflect and make the active decision to move on and let go of the life I thought I had. I made the decision then and there that I would start doing things that made me happy. And I did, and I have. Now? I’ve had an incredible boyfriend for over three years who is amazing. But I also have time for me. I adore my boyfriend but I’m also okay being alone. I had to learn to love myself before I was able to have a healthy adult relationship. I dated some serious losers before I became mentally healthy. You may just need a turning point, whatever that looks like, to stop caring about your XH and what your life has been like and start getting excited for your new future. My current future is so much better than the path I was on. But it took me awhile to realize it was possible.