Happily married for 10 years... red flags of communication issues for both of us. Before we became engaged we went to a counselor and worked on communication issues. It completely changed our relationship.

Your spouse won't be perfect, just as you are not. What is critical is having a partner you can work through hard times with and come to a resolution or compromise where you both are happy with the result. Both need to feel supported.

Also be on the same page with finances, religion, short and long-term life plans.

Executive function issues here, too. Definite inattentive ADHD. We met in college and he's extremely bright so I just assumed not putting in the work was because he didn't have to, not because he couldn't/wouldn't. I love him but if I want anything done out of the routine I have to do it myself.

I loved DH desperately but I knew that yelling was normal in his family and I HATED it.

Today he still yells but very rarely and I have a fit if he does. It was a long hard road to get to this point and honestly I could have saved myself the trouble and married someone else. We’re fairly compatible otherwise.

I started to reply and it turned into a long and depressing list of things that would have made you ask why on earth I would have stayed with this person, and how I could possibly call it a happy marriage.

Instead, what I think I would say is that things that were issues or problems while dating all remain. Some have become bigger issues, some have been resolved, and some wax/wane depending on where we are in life. (Raising kids will elevate some concerns and totally sideline others for instance.)

I have found that for me it isn't about clear definitions of a happy marriage - it's about a complicated web of compromises between the benefits and hardships of making a life with someone else. There are things I long for that I will never have in this marriage. And there are things I have and absolutely never have to worry about with my husband which are profoundly important to me. Most days, when I think calmly, the good far outweighs the bad.

So I stay. I call it happy overall. And I trust that a marriage isn't a totally fixed thing - we change, we grow, we evolve, different phases of life bring different challenges and rewards, etc... I'm in it for the long haul, not for perfection.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Road rage, too close with parents, asking to be exclusive right away, giving ultimatums on a first date (“I will never spend Christmas with a woman’s family”; “I don’t do breaks…if there is any break, it is a break up”; saying he had a 100k salary requirement for a wife and he would not let his wife be a SAHM even temporarily. And leaving the state for another job while dating without proposing first. His way or the highway on everything. Awful marriage.

You knew all this and still married him? What we’re the endearing qualities?

Family and social pressure. There was long distance involved. Hard to see everything at once that way but in retrospect all of it was there. It was just a big mistake. I wanted to break up. He wanted to get married. He and everyone talked me into it. There were no endearing qualities. We were not in love. We were the right "age" and on paper, it looked "right." It was never right. Should have listened to my gut. Mistake. That's all.

Please don’t ignore red flags!!! Oh my. I will say that my husband and I certainly knew what annoys us about the other person while dating. And those things still annoy us today. But they are things like: he runs late all the time and I leave my shoes all over the house. They were not actual red flags.

Married for 6 years, together for 13.

This might be a small one, but red flag is my husband is intense in his opinions - the world is very black and white to him. I remember my family red flagging this early on. It bugged me at times as I used to tell him that he stated his opinions as if they were irrefutable facts and it was hard to disagree with him. He hasn't necessarily changed, but I'd say he has softened.

Another red flag was his closeness to his parents - it wasn't a bad thing but there were things I took issue with (e.g. he bought be a necklace with my birthstone and told his parents thats what he was getting me....his mom said I don't need an expensive piece of jewelry and that I should be happy with something smaller, more modest). Not cool, MIL. Fast forward to today and we all know where the lines are. He is still close with them, but not in a way that gives them the opportunity to interfere with our relationship and decisions.

These are small things but enough to give me pause at the time.

Binge drinker, often when we first met. It took awhile before seeing it was a problem because we were young and having fun. A few years into our relationship, I asked to do a few dry months together because I was afraid he had a problem. He agreed. Slowly over a few years, he’s really gotten it under control and we both don’t drink at home, except on rare occasions. He never drank when we traveled or even at restaurants when he had this problem, just wine at home. We are happily married but I’m aware it could become a problem again. He’s got a lot of control if he doesn’t have it in the house, but little if it’s around.

As someone who ignored red flags, don’t.

He was married.

how much she flirted when she was drinking

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I’m looking for stories from people who are happily married in spite of red flags. Thanks!

Why are you trying to ignore red flags OP? The point of a red flag is you don't ignore it. S for negative traits assume that the behavior that bothers you nw does not change, in fact it gets worse, and if you have kids they take on that trait and there's no correcting because other parent does it. Can you live with it? And there's no option to change it and you can't spend your time trying to convince them to change it, and you can't get mad about it.

He lied to me about being divorced. In fact, he was still married/his friend told me. I broke up with hum. In 6 months he came back divorced and I accepted him back.
18 ywars forward: he cheated having double life for the last 5 years of the marriage. I divorced him

Anonymous wrote:I believe everyone has negative traits, but some are more severe than others. For those who are happily married what are some red flags you saw when dating, but decided to go through with marriage anyways?

Had Mommy pay off debts twice. I should have run.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe everyone has negative traits, but some are more severe than others. For those who are happily married what are some red flags you saw when dating, but decided to go through with marriage anyways?

What?? A red flag is not just a negative trait. It signals something inappropriate, something dysfunctional. People who are truly happily married did not have red flags.

+1 red flags mean - CAUTION: do not proceed.