This is OP. I, too, insisted on activities when he was younger and he did them - soccer, band, debate in middle school. Ninth grade he did not make the Hs soccer team, fine he moved to a rec team vs other kids who didn’t make the team threw themselves into club to hopefully make the team as 10th graders. He also did band but wasn’t interested in debate in HS, nor any other club, but he was doing band, taking instrument lessons and playing rec soccer. As others have encouraged me above, we let him be him. Pandemic hit and instrument and band went remote, which made it not fun and he dropped it. His soccer team didn’t play for the whole pandemic 2020-21 school year, although it started up again last fall and he rejoined and that is now his one activity. Lots of kids pivoted to a variety of online clubs, kept up with instruments and sports, etc all of last year but my kid kind of just shut down and stayed in his own shell (he’s fine, just kind of went to ground as he us an introvert anyway). So now as a junior he is extremely reluctant to get involved with any new club- we urged him last fall but honestly he was doing his beat to readjust to being in person in school with heavy junior year workload. These are not excuses, I know many many kids kept up with their activities, but I am explaining why it isn’t as simple as “he should have been involved in activities when he was younger.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My question isn’t so much about making friends (although I hope for that, too, of course!), but I’d love for him to try things of interest or possible
interest like for random examples- model UN club, intramural softball, campus radio station, volunteer tutoring, etc. I’m not trying to remake him, but am a believer that you get more out of life being part of a community than an island. He also needs to start exploring interests to spark potential careers/fields of
study. Hopefully someone will respond with campus environments that inspired their kids to try something new or get out of their shell a little.

Not to be argumentative, but if you can't get him to do those things while he's a kid living in your house, how would a college get him to do them?

I hope all our kids come out of their shells more in college, but I think the drive probably has to come with age or maturity or greater confidence from within.

This is kind of what I was thinking. I have a somewhat similar sounding kid, BUT he does activities because it’s been made clear to him since elementary school that he has to and he has found a number that he likes. He’s a 10th grader now and I’m sure I’m helicoptering the college process, but I think “fit” is going to be tricky for him. Here is what I’m looking for and hope he’ll agree with if I steer him this way:

1) little or no Greek life, he’s not a partier at all
2) small to medium - I want him to see the same people frequently and not just get lost in a crowd, not have a hard time getting spots in clubs, and have smaller classes where he is essentially forced to get to know professors.
3) on campus housing available at least three years
4) very interested in colleges with the house system for freshman
5) he’s not quirky really, but places that are welcoming for nerdier quiet kids
6) academically rigorous because I think he’ll be more likely to find his people

If you have a good relationship I think you really need to push the idea of getting involved now and in college with clubs and activities, whether outside school or in school.

Anonymous wrote:Just FYI, I was shocked when my current freshman arrived at school ready to join a bunch of clubs and activities and it was very difficult to get a spot even in the more obscure clubs.

So that’s something you may want to look into - how many clubs are open to all and unlimited.

That is shocking, and sad! What type of school is it?

At my kid's very small (and non elite) LAC, they hold a Lobsterfest each fall (i.e, note food hook to get students to attend ). Students stop by the many tables that are set up on the quad, and staffed by current student members. All clubs want kids to sign up for emails, which is the only "commitment" required at that point. My kid did this for 15 clubs/activities when she was a freshman. She did not wind up participating in that many group, but it meant that she was getting numerous emails every week, inviting her to events/activities/outings. She chose the ones that sounded fun, fit in with her study schedule, and (eventually) would attract other kids she clicked with. That "model" really worked well for her.

I can't imagine a school that has some type of bar or cutoff for club participants.

Note also that at her school, it seems like once you hit some modest number of people who want to participate, the school will provide you with some budget for your club. Besides the expected groups, I think they have a Hammock Club (yes-the school bought them hammocks and they relax on them for meetings). I think there is even a Burrito club (where they make and explore the world of burritos). Talk about something for everyone! (Mind you, there are also the "normal" clubs doing service, international cultural events, pre-professional groups, environmental club, nature outings, utlimate frisbee, billards, wildlife society, etc etc etc etc!)

Maybe too late for your high school Junior, but I insisted my kids look at clubs starting in middle school. I pushed them to start early in the school year (no one wants to join a club in January when the kids are settled). I also gave them an out such as, if you hate it, you don’t have to continue. No snark here. My suggestions are for the younger kids. And I do understand that the pandemic messed everything up.

Anonymous wrote:Just FYI, I was shocked when my current freshman arrived at school ready to join a bunch of clubs and activities and it was very difficult to get a spot even in the more obscure clubs.

So that’s something you may want to look into - how many clubs are open to all and unlimited.

this is a good point and I heard this same thing from a friend whose child goes to U of Michigan. This is part of the info I am seeking, or rather the inverse of this: my kid at College X experienced intramurals open to all and widely publicized by the floor RAs (as one of many examples)

thanks to all for the good idea and considerations. from OP

I can see this either way -- in a big school, there are so MANY things to join, but in a small school, you may have more peers eager to draw you in and help you feel connected, and more of a sense of community.

I think I like the advice about looking for schools that require you to live on campus for more than just freshman year!

Also, maybe try to avoid colleges where lots of kids go home on the weekends.

Just FYI, I was shocked when my current freshman arrived at school ready to join a bunch of clubs and activities and it was very difficult to get a spot even in the more obscure clubs.

So that’s something you may want to look into - how many clubs are open to all and unlimited.

Anonymous wrote:Why not embrace who he is?

My introverted son went to a big state school because nobody bothers him.

He has a few friends he eats with and watches sports.

Mostly he goes to class and plays piano.

I’m a shy and introverted person and I went to a huge state school, after going through a very small town public school system. Loved being invisible and also made friends since it was so much easier to find like-minded people.

Two suggestions:

You might consider schools that have "college houses", which are residential communities of students that learn and play together. Franklin and Marshall for example, uses that mechanism to help create bonds and a sense of community. I would THINK that is really appreciated by freshmen especially, and that if you were seeing your "people" throughout the day, they might nudge you go do more/join them for events.

Colleges That Change Lives (please don't start flaming nutcases out there) attract a lot of kids like your son. They are small, so I found that my similar daughter almost had to get involved from Day One because there were no outgoing/confident kids elbowing their way into leadership positions or choice lab slots. Perhaps read up on some of those, or consider a visit.

Good luck. He sounds like a great kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My question isn’t so much about making friends (although I hope for that, too, of course!), but I’d love for him to try things of interest or possible
interest like for random examples- model UN club, intramural softball, campus radio station, volunteer tutoring, etc. I’m not trying to remake him, but am a believer that you get more out of life being part of a community than an island. He also needs to start exploring interests to spark potential careers/fields of
study. Hopefully someone will respond with campus environments that inspired their kids to try something new or get out of their shell a little.

Not to be argumentative, but if you can't get him to do those things while he's a kid living in your house, how would a college get him to do them?

I hope all our kids come out of their shells more in college, but I think the drive probably has to come with age or maturity or greater confidence from within.

This is absolutely true. It will come with maturity. All schools have those clubs and activities but they are not going to knock on his door and said, hey do this!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My question isn’t so much about making friends (although I hope for that, too, of course!), but I’d love for him to try things of interest or possible
interest like for random examples- model UN club, intramural softball, campus radio station, volunteer tutoring, etc. I’m not trying to remake him, but am a believer that you get more out of life being part of a community than an island. He also needs to start exploring interests to spark potential careers/fields of
study. Hopefully someone will respond with campus environments that inspired their kids to try something new or get out of their shell a little.

Not to be argumentative, but if you can't get him to do those things while he's a kid living in your house, how would a college get him to do them?

I hope all our kids come out of their shells more in college, but I think the drive probably has to come with age or maturity or greater confidence from within.

OP, I was your kid and ended up at JMU, which brought me out of my shell. I ended up joining multiple groups/clubs both on campus and off, and stuck with most of them throughout my 4 years.

Kids there tend to be social, and it rubs off. It's big enough that there's something for everyone. I'd recommend taking a look.

Good luck wherever he lands.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is shy and a mama's boy. He went to Stanford. His strategy was to let the extroverted kids pull him into their orbit, and he dipped a toe in until he found the kids he liked, and then made friends with them. He also found study groups to be a great way to make friends.

haha this is a good point, my DS who i wrote about above, said the one thing he regrets is that while he has a great roommate and they are best friends, he wishes he was rooming with someone a bit more outgoing who would have pushed him to do more. He and his roommate are basically twins and in retrospect, he thinks he'd have more friends if he was with someone who was more gregarious. Something to keep i mind in roommate selection.

As an introvert, I'd prefer a similar introverted roommate. I'd want my room a quiet place to be able to retreat to. An extrovert who has lots of friends over or parties in the room, might make me exhausted.

"My son is shy and a mama's boy. He went to Stanford. His strategy was to let the extroverted kids pull him into their orbit, and he dipped a toe in until he found the kids he liked, and then made friends with them. He also found study groups to be a great way to make friends."

This works at a place like Stanford, at least when the kid is willing to be lured out. (I'm a grad.) The freshman houses are set up with a high staff: resident ratio to make sure that this happens. And many of the majors become social spaces too. Kids used to hang out in the office of my major and socialized a lot through that circle. You really don't need to join a formal club to have a social life in that setting, especially since so much social stuff happens in your house. (A house is about 60-90 students within a larger dorm of several hundred students.) They take residential life VERY seriously there. Everything is set up to make sure you succeed. After they've selected somebody out of the thousands who applied, they're extremely invested in making sure you do well. I have very close friends who worked in admissions there, and they definitely screen for people who want to be a part of the community, so the openness described by PP of her son to being pulled "into their orbit" was key to him getting admitted. They don't want people who aren't open to that.

I definitely think this is not the case at the large public schools like Michigan or UT Austin. When my brother was preparing to be a freshman at UT, I had to help him find an apartment near campus. It was clear that he'd be totally on his own without anybody from the school making him their priority. We visited various group houses and apartment buildings that we found out about on various community bulletin boards. (This was pre-internet.) It seemed so lonely and cold-hearted to me, given what I'd experienced as a freshman at Stanford.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My question isn’t so much about making friends (although I hope for that, too, of course!), but I’d love for him to try things of interest or possible
interest like for random examples- model UN club, intramural softball, campus radio station, volunteer tutoring, etc. I’m not trying to remake him, but am a believer that you get more out of life being part of a community than an island. He also needs to start exploring interests to spark potential careers/fields of
study. Hopefully someone will respond with campus environments that inspired their kids to try something new or get out of their shell a little.

well that is tough one because colleges are not coddling people... at UVA for example, there are over 800 clubs but no one will go sign him up, he has to do that. They also have a ton of intramural teams. I went to a SLAC and did not join a single club, but I will say that the freshman dorm was more oriented around creating a learning/living community. Again, didn't try new things per se though.

I think a large part of it will come from the friend group honestly. If there is not something he is passionate about, he will probably just join things because other kids on the hall are etc.