Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like an immaculate house and he likes a messy one. So I just clean up after him. He does A LOT for me that I'm unable to do, so it's not one sided. We're both working nonstop, all of the time. If he were lazy, I wouldn't have married him.

I think you have to ask- what is really bothering you? The mess, your husband's laziness, or the fact that you think he's walking all over you and doesn't care about you (ie leaving mess and expecting someone else to clean)?

All three.

I do almost all the housework/kids stuff, including picking up after DH. I realized early in our relationship that while he liked having a clean and tidy place for us to live, he didn’t really want to spend any time on it. It is very important to me, so I am willing to spend time on it.

Also, my DH isn’t lazy, he just wont do housework. But he has a job with long hours and a good income, and he probably works at least as much as I do (my FT job, kids, house) since we also outsource some stuff.

You also have to take a step back and see how much of the picking up is for you and how much is really necessary. You can get rid of clutter by getting rid of your stuff - I tell my kids all the time if they leave a toy outside of the play room, that toy disappears. And it does - the toys are not necessary, so if they want them, they need to care for them. Get rid of the stuff that is being left everywhere.

Anonymous wrote:If you clean up after your spouse all the time and it doesn’t bother you, can you share your mindset? Why doesn’t it bother you? Is there something your spouse offers in return that you feel makes it ok?

Because I know he picks up after me too. I feel like I get nothing done in life other than load dishes off the counter or out of the sink into the dishwasher. And it's infuriating because IT'S RIGHT THERE.

But I was headed out to Costco and DH asked if we needed more swiffer wiper cover thingies, and I realized 1) I don't even know where those are kept to check on our stash, because 2) I've never in life swiffered or mopped our floors. Not like he does it twice a day, but he's doing stuff to keep us from living in a sty too, and you don't notice other people's efforts as much as you notice your own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like an immaculate house and he likes a messy one. So I just clean up after him. He does A LOT for me that I'm unable to do, so it's not one sided. We're both working nonstop, all of the time. If he were lazy, I wouldn't have married him.

I think you have to ask- what is really bothering you? The mess, your husband's laziness, or the fact that you think he's walking all over you and doesn't care about you (ie leaving mess and expecting someone else to clean)?

All three.

NP here.

Sounds like your relationship is one hot mess. Whatever you do, it will continue to be one hot mess. No one can help you.

Anonymous wrote:I like an immaculate house and he likes a messy one. So I just clean up after him. He does A LOT for me that I'm unable to do, so it's not one sided. We're both working nonstop, all of the time. If he were lazy, I wouldn't have married him.

I think you have to ask- what is really bothering you? The mess, your husband's laziness, or the fact that you think he's walking all over you and doesn't care about you (ie leaving mess and expecting someone else to clean)?

All three.

I have been a SAHM for many years. My kids are teens. My DH is an amazing loving husband and dad, so there are a lot of pros to picking up after him. He and I, have a good relationship and we lucked out with each other. We are however very flawed people and if we were married to other people, we would have been disasters.

My DH's good points -
- Loyal, honest, moral, decent, loving, no addiction, no abuse, no mental illness, generous, polite, my best friend, good in bed, well educated, very intelligent, humanist, green, liberal.
- Loving husband and an extremely devoted dad. My kids have won the daddy lottery.
- Cooks all our meals and does most of dishes happily. Short order cook for my finicky foodie kids. Excellent baker.
- Wakes up the kids with their hot beverage of choice, makes breakfast, packs lunch, drops them to their school. Let me sleep in and I am always given tea or coffee in bed. Every single day for 35 years.
- He wants me to nap in the afternoons...that is sacrosanct. My workouts are also a priority for him. He makes for a very relaxed atmosphere at home. He wants peace and harmony at home for us and especially for my kids.
- Has a great relationship with my family and friends.
- He makes a good chunk of money and he invests wisely. I have full control of the money. We are equal owners of all assets. No pre-nup
- The most cool headed and good natured person. He is extremely caring about all the people who work for him and I am so proud of how well he treats parents (especially young mothers) who are working under him.
- Takes care of his elderly parents. He expects me to hold the fort at home when he is with his parents.
- He is a softie at heart and he gives a whole lot of money in charitable causes and to our local food pantry, schools, teachers etc. Very generous man.

What he does not do AT ALL -
- Will not remember or organize birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine's Day. I want a special day? I better make it happen. Same goes for Christmas and buying anyone presents.
- Clean bathroom or kitchen, do laundry, pick up the clutter, put away shoes/keys/wallets/groceries/coats/paper, clean the car...not do the million things that can annoy any normal person...
- Banking, Bill payments, passports, taxes, insurance....
- Medical appointments - making for everyone and taking folks for the appointments.
- Cleaning the house.
- Any kind of social obligations - from buying gifts, making casseroles, writing cards, wrapping presents, knowing the date/time/address, showing up with appropriate wine/flowers/chocolates - all my responsibility.
- Planning for parties, remodeling, trips, home/yard/automobile care, any mental load for anything
- Any academic or EC or anything else for the kids. I have to do all the brainstorming, planning, figuring out everything. Having kids successfully launch is my problem.

What are his expectations from me??
- Our kids will have success, happiness, fulfillment, good health. I will single handedly solve everything. Our kids will be good people, not get into any problems, will be well liked, will have all good moral qualities and will be healthy, wealthy and wise.
- I will make time for him and I will be loving towards him. I am not supposed to talk angrily with our family, but they don't mind if I am angry with others and cuss them out. Better them than us - is the family motto when it comes to my annoyance and anger.
- I will outsource stuff that I don't want to do or I cannot do. I will be solely responsible for hiring/firing/managing people, without involving him. Before pandemic we had cleaners who came twice a week, so this worked. But now, I am taking care of everything but lawncare.

I’m a wife that works and is the primary breadwinner. I’m messy and my husband picks up after me. Does it annoy him some? Sure.

But ultimately, we both do a lot. I definitely carry all the mental load of kid stuff and all the paperwork. I manage the nanny and sitters. I plan all our vacations and cook. I load the dishwasher.

He does the laundry and manages the yard crew.

I don’t think he will ever divorce me because I leave dishes in the office and my shoes all around the house.

I read him the OP and he chuckled and rolled his eyes.

Anonymous wrote:I am resigned to it but I do not earn any income. If you make money you should not accept that kind of imbalance. Something I did that makes it sustainable is get my own room. I sleep in DH's room but everything in the room except the TV is his and his alone. I just can't wake up every single day and look at dirty clothes and candy wrappers on the floor or an absolutely disgusting bathroom. I keep my space immaculate.

What are your options - when you say "you should not accept"? Divorce?
Many spouses just don't do the work. They don't value the same level of cleanliness or don't care. Are you truly suggesting breaking up a family because one person does the dishes 75% of the time?

I do more around the house and carry much more of the non-house burden like scheduling kid stuff. I have recently put the burden on him to schedule appointments and have been asking him to do things.
However, I still do more. I handle it by realizing that it is easier to throw a load of laundry in than ferment in my anger about it. If the laundry is done, I don't think about it. If the laundry is dirty and sitting there, I fester. It is better to get it done.
It isn't fair but neither is divorcing and having my child grow up in a single parent household. My spouse has been very, very understanding about my faults and I can be understanding about his too. It is a give and take and neither of us are even close to perfect.

I am resigned to it but I do not earn any income. If you make money you should not accept that kind of imbalance. Something I did that makes it sustainable is get my own room. I sleep in DH's room but everything in the room except the TV is his and his alone. I just can't wake up every single day and look at dirty clothes and candy wrappers on the floor or an absolutely disgusting bathroom. I keep my space immaculate.

Picking up is less annoying than so much of the other stuff I have to deal with, I don't even notice it.

I like an immaculate house and he likes a messy one. So I just clean up after him. He does A LOT for me that I'm unable to do, so it's not one sided. We're both working nonstop, all of the time. If he were lazy, I wouldn't have married him.

I think you have to ask- what is really bothering you? The mess, your husband's laziness, or the fact that you think he's walking all over you and doesn't care about you (ie leaving mess and expecting someone else to clean)?

I do the vast majority of all house work and parenting. The reason I’m ok with it is that DH has some serious anxiety issues and asking him for help, or having a mess in the kitchen, or kids whining causes him to lose his temper and lash out. It’s the only way I’ve found to keep my marriage intact so I suck it up. The only thing he takes care of is making his own meals (not anyone else’s mind you - only food for himself). It used to frustrate me to live with such a man child, but this is just the season of my life I’m in so I accept it.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, about 95% of the time I clean up his dishes, any receipts/junk he left in a pile on the side table, etc. It doesn't bother me. We are a team. Neither of us believes in keeping score and we try to take care of the tasks the other dreads. He doesn't give me grief that he wakes up earlier to walk and feed our dog...he knows I'm not a morning person and this is one of many small acts of kindness he does for me.

+1. It’s a give and take. Plus I’m more OCD and need it all done to my standards anyway.

Anonymous wrote:For those posting that it doesn’t bother you because your DH does other things for you and you’re a “team”….

What OP very likely means is a marriage where DH doesn’t pull his weight and OP is doing more than her fair share. I don’t think she’d be asking the question if it were a situation of DH doing all the cooking and OP doing all the cleaning. It’s an unequal arrangement where OP is likely doing almost everything or much more than her DH. You really don’t need to chime in about score keeping.

Right. I’m sure there have got to be plenty of marriages where one spouse at least perceives themself doing more than half of the household tasks and are annoyed. I know I either do more of have to remind my spouse every single time to do his stuff. Every time. It’s so annoying. At this point I’m just too exhausted to have the rage I used to have.

For those posting that it doesn’t bother you because your DH does other things for you and you’re a “team”….

What OP very likely means is a marriage where DH doesn’t pull his weight and OP is doing more than her fair share. I don’t think she’d be asking the question if it were a situation of DH doing all the cooking and OP doing all the cleaning. It’s an unequal arrangement where OP is likely doing almost everything or much more than her DH. You really don’t need to chime in about score keeping.