Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:take the phone too

+1

+2

My daughter refused to help shovel snow, and as soon as asked her to hand over all electronics, she suddenly became very cooperative.

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are your other children?

I know a teenager just like your son. He does nothing his parents ask, but they never follow through. Good for you for having consequences. I wouldn’t turn the internet back on just because he finally shoveled. He’d have to earn it back by not giving you a hard time.

Hope your back feels better.

No, no, no. This is the emotional, reactive way to go, and it puts DS in a no-win situation. Next time he behaves badly, his response will be, "well, there is nothing I can do now, she won't turn the internet back on, so why should I bother shoveling (or otherwise trying to make the situation better)?"

A kid who has behaved badly needs a path to make things right. Turning the internet off is a kind of shock to DS's system. He straightens up and tries to make things right. The appropriate reaction is to thank him for doing as he was asked, calmly remind him that you are all members of a family and cooperation is needed to make things go smoothly, and turn on the internet.

Never set up a no-win situation. It's your hurt feelings that make you want to say, "well, I got what I wanted but I'm going to keep punishing because I didn't get it the way I wanted it." Tempting, but entirely counterproductive. QTIP!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He’s now outside finishing it up. Must be the internet being turned off (phone is an android with parental controls and a time limit that as already used up).

I’m getting the desired result but I hate the way I got it done. Why can’t he just be helpful? Or just do it when I ask him to do it?

Hang in there. They can just be butts. Props to you for not putting up with it. That was a boss move.

OP, how old are your other children?

I know a teenager just like your son. He does nothing his parents ask, but they never follow through. Good for you for having consequences. I wouldn’t turn the internet back on just because he finally shoveled. He’d have to earn it back by not giving you a hard time.

Hope your back feels better.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He’s now outside finishing it up. Must be the internet being turned off (phone is an android with parental controls and a time limit that as already used up).

I’m getting the desired result but I hate the way I got it done. Why can’t he just be helpful? Or just do it when I ask him to do it?

This here is your mistake. QTIP--Quit Taking It Personally! Apply consequences as cooly and dispassionately as you can, it is the only way to maintain your poise, high ground, and sanity. Be the calm rock. You make your completely reasonable requests that only unreasonable people could disagree with, but sometimes people are unreasonable and then consequences are applied. It's just this, don't make it any deeper or meaningful than that. If you spend too much time stewing about it, it only makes you crazy and increases the chance that you will act crazy, which cedes the high ground.

You are a rock, OP. People can be unhelpful jerks and lose their shit and blame it on you, but you cannot be moved. You are a rock.

This is the key to parenting teens IMO.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all for being my sounding board. I’m usually reactionary so I’m just trying to cut that out now. He argued with me and I just went upstairs and am writing in bed as my back hurts. Next thing I know he is outside. It’s dusk but he’s getting it done.

So he did it in the end. I doubt my 16 yr old would've jumped up and done it either but he also would've done it in the end. Just in his own sweet time.

OP here. Thanks all for being my sounding board. I’m usually reactionary so I’m just trying to cut that out now. He argued with me and I just went upstairs and am writing in bed as my back hurts. Next thing I know he is outside. It’s dusk but he’s getting it done.

Anonymous wrote:We have a very long driveway. He saw me do the difficult part which is breaking up and loving the buildup from the snow ploughs. Refusing to help finish it up although he did play outside eaelier. I have turned off the internet snd hid the tv remote. I’m so sick of his unhelpful nature.

What do you mean by “refusing”? Who is the parent? This didn’t start today. You’ve allowed him to get away with this crap his whole life because you’ve been afraid to order him to do chores. Let me guess. He also refuses to mow the lawn and you hire a lawn service company while the 16 year old sits on his ass.

Anonymous wrote:How much snow are we talking about? 4”?

It’s not a standard driveway. It’s on the main road so the house is setback quite far. I spent an hour shoveling and my wrist hurts. I’m a single parent. No man besides the 16 year old. He is also my eldest.

Keep at it. What I have learned though (and I have lived through 5 teenagers) is that I sometimes need to take a break and cool off when I am ticked beyond belief at the developmentally appropriate tendency toward rebellion and laziness. You did right to take the internet. Most teens aspire to be treated like adults (even when they don't deserve it). Wait until you are less ticked and he is less resentful and explain that as he is becoming an adult, you expect that he should be a cooperative member of the household, and that you don't want to have to resort to having to turn off the internet, but rather for him to step up. You may also have to give some background re why snow needs to be shoveled quickly before it hardens into an ice floe . . .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He’s now outside finishing it up. Must be the internet being turned off (phone is an android with parental controls and a time limit that as already used up).

I’m getting the desired result but I hate the way I got it done. Why can’t he just be helpful? Or just do it when I ask him to do it?

Because they think they can get away with this. Good for you for showing him he can’t. I would have done the same.

I agree. Good work, OP. Parenting is rarely elegant.

How much snow are we talking about? 4”?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He’s now outside finishing it up. Must be the internet being turned off (phone is an android with parental controls and a time limit that as already used up).

I’m getting the desired result but I hate the way I got it done. Why can’t he just be helpful? Or just do it when I ask him to do it?

Because they think they can get away with this. Good for you for showing him he can’t. I would have done the same.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He’s now outside finishing it up. Must be the internet being turned off (phone is an android with parental controls and a time limit that as already used up).

I’m getting the desired result but I hate the way I got it done. Why can’t he just be helpful? Or just do it when I ask him to do it?

Because he’s 16 and selfish and likely a bit lazy. Yes, I know, plenty of 16 year olds are not, but just as many (more?) are. Don’t despair, there’s still hope for the future. Keep at it.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He’s now outside finishing it up. Must be the internet being turned off (phone is an android with parental controls and a time limit that as already used up).

I’m getting the desired result but I hate the way I got it done. Why can’t he just be helpful? Or just do it when I ask him to do it?

Some kids are like this, OP. My first usually fulfills all requests as he is able, but my second is a little more feisty.