Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I already replied in this thread that yes, I do apologize and I find myself doing so more frequently now that my oldest is a teen. My screw ups feel heavier all of a sudden.

But I’m also thinking a lot about how my own mom used to come knocking on my bedroom door to apologize occasionally, and how it weirdly exposed some weaknesses/vulnerabilities in her that I didn’t necessarily want to see as a kid/teen. My sense was that she was coming to me out of guilt, not respect. It was more about making herself feel better than anything. I don’t know, just a thought. I guess maybe there’s a right way and a wrong way to handle apologies, and it’s all very dependent on the existing dynamic in the relationship.

I'd like to hear more about your thoughts on this, as someone trying to make sure how i relate to my kids is based on their feelings and needs more than my own.

Not the PP, but I think it's about whether you are apologizing because you want your kid to absolve you or tell you what you did/said was okay or reassure you that you're a good mom or whatever. That's apologizing to satisfy your own needs and desires. You apologize because you did something wrong, and you want your kid to know that it was wrong and that they didn't deserve to be treated that way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I apologize. I do it a lot, but I’m specific. I’ll apologize for raising my voice or being dismissive, but that doesn’t mean I let my kid off the hook if they did fonething that led to me losing my cool. But yes, I apologize for inappropriate behavior that doesn’t meet our family’s standards of respect and kindness.

This is one of those things where you can’t just think about yourself, you have to think about what you are modeling for your kid. Not only do I want my children to be able to apologize when they mess up, but I also want them to expect that future friends, partners, colleagues, etc., should treat them respectfully. Apologizing to someone is a way of acknowledging that they are worthy of respect. I want my kids to feel worthy. That by itself is worth apologizing to them.

Great post. 100% agree.

Said better than I could. I want mine to know strength in apologizing and when (and how) to stand ground.

I have the same approach -- apologies for specific instances of behavior that doesn't meet the standards for how our family should treat each other, especially if it's behavior that my kids would get in trouble for. An example: "I'm sorry I yelled at you for not cleaning your room. I was angry because I asked you many times and you didn't do it. But being angry doesn't mean it's okay for me to yell. We tell you it's not okay to yell at us when you're mad, and we shouldn't yell at you, either. I should have taken some deep breaths to calm down before I spoke to you. I will try harder to control my temper. Now, please clean your room." It's a way of reinforcing that there isn't a double standard for appropriate behavior for kids and adults, and that they are just as worthy of respectful treatment as I am.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I do. I’m very open with them that everyone makes mistakes, even grownups. Even parents. Even me. No, my parents never apologized to me and it’s part of why I want to show them that.

Same here. Parents never apologized but I do when wrong. It sets a good example.

Anonymous wrote:I already replied in this thread that yes, I do apologize and I find myself doing so more frequently now that my oldest is a teen. My screw ups feel heavier all of a sudden.

But I’m also thinking a lot about how my own mom used to come knocking on my bedroom door to apologize occasionally, and how it weirdly exposed some weaknesses/vulnerabilities in her that I didn’t necessarily want to see as a kid/teen. My sense was that she was coming to me out of guilt, not respect. It was more about making herself feel better than anything. I don’t know, just a thought. I guess maybe there’s a right way and a wrong way to handle apologies, and it’s all very dependent on the existing dynamic in the relationship.

I'd like to hear more about your thoughts on this, as someone trying to make sure how i relate to my kids is based on their feelings and needs more than my own.

Yes. I have similar parents and it sucks and is not something I want to emulate.

I already replied in this thread that yes, I do apologize and I find myself doing so more frequently now that my oldest is a teen. My screw ups feel heavier all of a sudden.

But I’m also thinking a lot about how my own mom used to come knocking on my bedroom door to apologize occasionally, and how it weirdly exposed some weaknesses/vulnerabilities in her that I didn’t necessarily want to see as a kid/teen. My sense was that she was coming to me out of guilt, not respect. It was more about making herself feel better than anything. I don’t know, just a thought. I guess maybe there’s a right way and a wrong way to handle apologies, and it’s all very dependent on the existing dynamic in the relationship.

Yes and Yes.

I don’t apologize for things that aren’t my fault, but are nonetheless disappointing to kids. I do empathize with them over things like broken toys, cancelled events, etc. I don’t rush to make it better, I just acknowledge that yes, it hurts or is frustrating.

I don’t blame my kids for things - I blame their choices. My parents blamed me a lot and implied that bad things happened to me because of who I am (i.e. I'm a bad person). Instead of telling my kids - “why are you always so wild / loud / impulsive” I try to focus on the actual behavior or choice I want to change and teach them an alternate option I think is acceptable. “If you put your toys there, they could get stepped on and broken. Let’s place it out of the walkway or on this table.” instead of my parents waiting until the toy was broken and then screaming “why are you always so careless? You don’t deserve toys”.

When I make a mistake or react / behave in a way I would not want my kids to repeat, I apologize. I also point out when I make mistakes that don’t impact them, take responsibility, and show them how I fixed it or moved on. I think kids need to be taught these skills.

They never did, and boy were they in the wrong quite a bit.

Yes, I do. I want to teach my kids that just because we're adults doesn't mean we're perfect and always in the right.

I do to kids but I don't remember my parents doing it. matter fact, I don't remember my parents doing anything wrong that they needed to apologize for. They were great parents in my opinion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I apologize. I do it a lot, but I’m specific. I’ll apologize for raising my voice or being dismissive, but that doesn’t mean I let my kid off the hook if they did fonething that led to me losing my cool. But yes, I apologize for inappropriate behavior that doesn’t meet our family’s standards of respect and kindness.

This is one of those things where you can’t just think about yourself, you have to think about what you are modeling for your kid. Not only do I want my children to be able to apologize when they mess up, but I also want them to expect that future friends, partners, colleagues, etc., should treat them respectfully. Apologizing to someone is a way of acknowledging that they are worthy of respect. I want my kids to feel worthy. That by itself is worth apologizing to them.

Great post. 100% agree.

Said better than I could. I want mine to know strength in apologizing and when (and how) to stand ground.

Anonymous wrote:Yes I apologize. I do it a lot, but I’m specific. I’ll apologize for raising my voice or being dismissive, but that doesn’t mean I let my kid off the hook if they did fonething that led to me losing my cool. But yes, I apologize for inappropriate behavior that doesn’t meet our family’s standards of respect and kindness.

This is one of those things where you can’t just think about yourself, you have to think about what you are modeling for your kid. Not only do I want my children to be able to apologize when they mess up, but I also want them to expect that future friends, partners, colleagues, etc., should treat them respectfully. Apologizing to someone is a way of acknowledging that they are worthy of respect. I want my kids to feel worthy. That by itself is worth apologizing to them.

Great post. 100% agree.

Yes. I absolutely do when I am wrong.

I have never once heard either of my parents apologize to me (or anyone else) and have never and will never admit fault.

I apologize for specific things only. Since I'm raising girls it important to me that they don't have "im sorry" as a verbal tic but if course they need to recognize when they have done something wring, purposefully or accidentally.

Yes I do. And I’ve told my DDs that “nobody is perfect we all make mistakes” — meaning myself as well as them. But I will also call them out if they are being rude or in the wrong. It’s a balancing act.