Anonymous
12/31/2021 16:04
Subject: Criminal record = dealbreaker?
It's fine if his DUI was a while ago or he is not an alcoholic. Plenty of famous and successful people have DUIs. Not saying it is the right thing but it happens.
Anonymous
12/31/2021 15:52
Subject: Criminal record = dealbreaker?
OP, one way to look at what you're thinking about is that you are trying to determine whether this person is trustworthy and reliable. Part of how you tell that is over time - does his conscience appear to be consistent? Does he do what he says he's going to do?
Multiple offenses are tricky because they demonstrate consistency in a "flexible" conscience and a history of putting his own preferences ahead of the safety of others.
Why is he single? What kind of friends does he have? (Birds of a feather flock together) How long ago were the offenses? Have you been dating him at least 6 months? Most people don't relax from putting on a good face for at least 3 or 4 months, so you don't really get to see their faults until you've dated awhile.
Multiple offenses are tricky because they demonstrate consistency in a "flexible" conscience and a history of putting his own preferences ahead of the safety of others.
Why is he single? What kind of friends does he have? (Birds of a feather flock together) How long ago were the offenses? Have you been dating him at least 6 months? Most people don't relax from putting on a good face for at least 3 or 4 months, so you don't really get to see their faults until you've dated awhile.
Anonymous
12/31/2021 15:36
Subject: Re:Criminal record = dealbreaker?
Anonymous wrote:DH has a couple of charges for impersonating a postal carrier and, unrelated to those incidents (misunderstandings), unauthorized use of beekeeping equipment, honey and honey by-products. Still, even months after these events, people judge him as less than. It is not fair and indicative of a larger problem in "your" society.
I’m intrigued.
Anonymous
12/31/2021 15:31
Subject: Re:Criminal record = dealbreaker?
DH has a couple of charges for impersonating a postal carrier and, unrelated to those incidents (misunderstandings), unauthorized use of beekeeping equipment, honey and honey by-products. Still, even months after these events, people judge him as less than. It is not fair and indicative of a larger problem in "your" society.
Anonymous
12/31/2021 15:22
Subject: Criminal record = dealbreaker?
Anonymous wrote:It depends what the specific circumstances were and what he learned from them, OP. I wouldn't write off such a person automatically, but I'd be wary going forward. A lot of people with ADHD, anxiety, depression, self-medicate that way. So for the ADHD, he can get diagnosed and treat himself with medication, for example, to prevent further abuse of drugs. But know that he could have a disorder of that kind, and that it would need to be managed, since none of them can be "cured".
+1 I wouldn't totally write this guy off without asking these questions.
Anonymous
12/31/2021 15:15
Subject: Re:Criminal record = dealbreaker?
He disclosed three convictions. Raising the obvious question - are there any undisclosed arrests or convictions? Personally I would pull the plug on this guy, but if you want to continue, you should certainly get a full criminal and financial background check to check for other arrests, convictions, and other issues (bankruptcy, credit card debt, unpaid loans, etc.) Protect yourself!
Anonymous
12/31/2021 13:39
Subject: Criminal record = dealbreaker?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He’s a loser. Is that the kind of parent you’d want for your kids? Sounds like you are making excuses for him.
The convictions themselves are not the issue. The issue is: he thinks laws do not apply to him.
The fact that he got caught not once, but 3 times, should tell you: he chose to commit way more than 3 offenses.
NP +1
Maaybe one offense if it’s an accident when he was young and he learned from it. Maybe. But 3?? No freaking way.
Anonymous
12/31/2021 13:32
Subject: Criminal record = dealbreaker?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He’s a loser. Is that the kind of parent you’d want for your kids? Sounds like you are making excuses for him.
The convictions themselves are not the issue. The issue is: he thinks laws do not apply to him.
The fact that he got caught not once, but 3 times, should tell you: he chose to commit way more than 3 offenses.
Agree with this. If it had been one time, fine, he might have been young and made a mistake. I have a high school friend who has a DUI, was arrested for weed, went to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, all while in HS. He still drinks a lot and does drugs.
Anonymous
12/31/2021 13:30
Subject: Criminal record = dealbreaker?
Anonymous wrote:He’s a loser. Is that the kind of parent you’d want for your kids? Sounds like you are making excuses for him.
The convictions themselves are not the issue. The issue is: he thinks laws do not apply to him.
The fact that he got caught not once, but 3 times, should tell you: he chose to commit way more than 3 offenses.
Anonymous
12/31/2021 13:26
Subject: Criminal record = dealbreaker?
Anonymous wrote:I’m in the age bracket where DCUM would tell me to lower my standards (or the softer version, “broaden your horizons”)
I’ve been going out with a guy who is handsome, gainfully employed with a few (legal!) entrepreneurial side hustles (though I would be the bread winner in the partnership, at least at first). He is fun and laid back. He did however just disclose to me that he has a record - one DUI and two nonviolent drug offenses. I’m of the mind that drugs should just be legal anyway and that while DUIs are bad, they are unfortunately common. That being said, I don’t know this guy well enough to know whether it’s a matter of reformed decisions and since having gotten his life in order, or if this is a huge red flag that he’s bad news. For a 34 year old, is this something I should just let slide?
How long have you been together?
Anonymous
12/31/2021 13:25
Subject: Criminal record = dealbreaker?
The amount of women encouraging you to give him a chance is disheartening.
Anonymous
12/31/2021 13:22
Subject: Criminal record = dealbreaker?
You say you don't know the context. If the context would make you feel differently, ask for the context so that you can have whatever feelings you have with full information.
Anonymous
12/31/2021 13:22
Subject: Criminal record = dealbreaker?
Anonymous wrote:You say you don’t know the circumstances. I would ask him to explain what happened and make a decision after that.
FWIW my H has a DUI and nonviolent drug offense. They’re from 20 years ago when he was very young, had weed on him, and was profiled due to his race. Was not driving drunk. I was okay with that. Driving drunk over the age of like 22? Not okay with that. Drugs other than weed? Nope. Anything that could affect his ability to get a job? Pass.
+1 All of this.
Anonymous
12/31/2021 13:19
Subject: Criminal record = dealbreaker?
He’s a loser. Is that the kind of parent you’d want for your kids? Sounds like you are making excuses for him.
Anonymous
12/31/2021 13:15
Subject: Re:Criminal record = dealbreaker?
Along with the red flags….Do you really want to be the breadwinner? What is in this relationship for you? Sounds awful